Girlfriend booked a trip without telling me

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Hey all,

I always get a lot out of all of your insight, i never thought I would post something like this but I could use some.

So. Ive been dating a girl for about 8 months now. Were both 30. Equals. We love each other very much. Ive caused a few problems with drinking but she is loving and supportive. Shes been a reason for me to get sober. I like to be around her more sober!

We both love surfing but live in the cold NJ. We surf throughout the winter which gets really weary after awhile. We have gone on some car trips around the northeast and travel well together. Shes a teacher so she has limited availability to travel. I work on a boat 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. I cant really change my dates on BUT it can happen.

So shes been wanting to go to Costa Rica on her spring break and asking me to come with. I did tell her a few times over the holidays (and a relapse) that it wasnt the time to talk about it. She had been asking if it would work for my schedule without specific dates or a place or anything. I would always say “im not sure yet, maybe” shes been there and I havent. Also I have to go to Italy with my mother in the spring as well which is time and money restrictive. I had hoped we would plan it out and looked forward to the adventure, but was worried about work…

So today she texts me that she just booked a trip to Mexico for her spring break to visit her friend. No warning. No contemplation. Never even ran it by me. Booked a flight! She was very excited and I tried to be excited for her, but deep down I was hurt. She said she really wants me to come yet I (nor she) even know the name of the place, I would have to spend a lot to go to a place out of my control, I would have to move my work to go to a place put of my control, and I dont know anyone. I also kind of dont want to go just because of how things went down.

When we got on the phone as im stuck on my boat for 2 weeks it all came out. I told her I was upset and she hurt me. She didnt even bother to run it by me. (To which she said shes just so used to travelling alone she didnt think of it). She said she likes to plan months in advance and didnt think I could go because of work. (How can you need to plan months in advance if you hatched a plan and booked same day).

We argue like civilized humans and not like animals, we reason and keep things calm. I feel terrible being upset with her on a day which she must be excited but I had to be honest. She basically wouldnt admit she did anything wrong. Its MY fault if im upset and shes not responsible for my happiness. It took me like 3 hours to get any sort of apology.

Im just so mixed up about this whole thing. I can provide more information. I just need some clarity and dont want to bring it with my coworkers on my bkat for obvious reasons.

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I don’t have any great words but maybe let her just go and let it just be a growing period in your relationship.
It has a way of working itself out without interfering too much, :blush:

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Im absolutely going to let her go and I am excited for her!!! Maybe Im just jealous I don’t know.

Just kind of felt abandoned. I tried so hard not to be upset. I put so much thought into how my actions will affect her it was just shocking and hurtful she did not at all in this case.

You had plenty of great words thank you.

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Just a question before framing my response: does her Spring Break coincide with you time on the boat?

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Not exactly. I would have to move a week.

Her main reason was that she assumed I couldnt go because it didnt match up totally and I hadnt indicated I definitely could. I wouldnt def ask for coverage which is a big deal bc the guy comes from out of state unless we had something concrete. So as I flesh this out I see maybe the Catch-22.

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It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 90.

This is one of the hardest and most unpleasant truths I’ve learned in AA. Because it is in fact true. No matter what the other party has done to me, I have to examine my attachment to the problem. And most common with me is that I am afraid of abandonment on some level. Sometimes this presents itself as a need to be right, to have the world ordered so that I can control it. With my kids, my spouse, at my job, I’m driven by a need to control outcomes because I lose my faith that everything is gonna be alright.

I’m not gonna comment on your situation directly, because you didn’t ask me to and because I’m only hearing one side of the events and thoughts that went into them.

All I can tell you is that it is very difficult for me to lay aside my hurt and my pride and my fear and lean back into the never-failing support of the Divine. I got sober on the bone-deep knowledge that everything is gonna be alright. No matter what. No matter what. When I get myself into these pickles, and I do on a regular basis, I wind up going to the other party and copping to my fear and responsibility for the misunderstanding. Sometimes that is accepted and we move on, and sometimes I get even more grief from them.

It helps me to remember that accepting a situation is not giving my approval or blessing on it. It is my recognition that the situation is real and is the way it is. My wishing or demanding that it be different is just pissing into the wind.

My primary purpose is to stay sober. To get to bed sober tonight. No matter what. I find it easier to do on the days I can resign from trying to arrange my world and instead participate in it and bring as much love and understanding to it as I can for that day.

Pray for your girlfriend to be happy and healthy and to get all she wants from life. Even if you don’t mean it, say the words. Do this every day for a week or two, until you are able to mean it, until you can get your own self out of the way of making that happen for her.

Blessings on your house, brother. You have a hard fight of it as it is, and a little divine intervention should help you out.

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I think as the initial shock and natural hurt feelings resulting begin to fade, you will see it for what it is: assumption and miscommunication on both of your parts.

If you trust her, tell her to have a great time. Use this as a learning experience to grow communication and the relationship.

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Thank you. This helped immensely. Your time was very well spent writing this and changed the world I live in at the moment.

Appreciate it. I have much work to do. :slight_smile:

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I completely agree and felt that way all along.

Shes loved and trusted and I need to realize other people operate differently than I do.

Is it healthy or unhealthy for an event like this make me want to be more selfish?

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I would call it natural, and we should resist these natural reactions. Being selfish is not a prime virtue.

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She may be looking out for you in your recovery also. I kinda read it as that trying to see into her brain from here.

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Dude, women are a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a skirt.
Just go with it and let her go on the trip.

I always say, someone will be with you or they won’t.
There ain’t a damn thing you can do about it either way.

Trust her and I am sure she will come back happy.
As she said, she is used to traveling on her own.

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Yep. Were independant and I trust her like crazy.

Guess I tried to pull a dad card and teach some strange lesson. I dont know lol.

Also that time of the month is coming so her behavior is naturally a bit out of sync.

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Saying things and blaming people’s reactions on a womens cycle is very narrow minded. I hope this all works out for you. Just didn’t want to let that slip by. Times are changing man, people need to be educate themselves and not say such things anymore.
I don’t mean for this to be offensive. I feel grateful to be able to read your posts.

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Im not blaming anything on that nor would I ever. Just acknowledging her (self proclaimed and with no pretense) behavior is a little different around the current time. So I disagree with your narrow minded assessment.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I meant no offput by the statement just a variable I was freely discussing in our safe little community.

Thank you again.

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I see, thank you for clarifying.
Hope your situation with her trip and your work on the boat work out well.

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Thank you. With everyones help things are on a much better course.

:cowboy_hat_face:

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I dont think she did anything wrong. You are both adults and independent people, you guys have your own lives even if you love each other. Plus you were postponing any plans so she just went ahead and did what wanted :blush:

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I’m sorry noones going to like this but I think she should have ran it by you. This is how you set boundries though, these type of things happen and now she knows how you feel and then it’s up to her after that. You should take trips together, plan together ect. I mean in my opinion you should be building a future together if you are with someone and you find your relationship serious.
You guys are just working out the kinks of your relationship, I hope things go smoothly.

My husband and I have our own hobbies but we take trips together because we just do and we love it. However all couples are different and have different set of boundries thats okay too.

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We are talking about moving in and have been looking at apartments.

Im as live and let live as I can be. Of course I want her to go! Thank you for seeing my point that it seemed inconsiderate to book such a big trip without running it by me. I dont mind her going without me at all.

I agree with everything about the setting of boundaries and using it as a building block and that was what I tried to explain and my greatest hope. Thanks for the response.

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