Hello everyone. Gonzo is back !!
I wish i was posting something positive here, ive been gone from this forum for so long, maybe 1 year. I was almost one year clean of cocaine, but my family went overseas for summer vacation.
I was alone for 3 weeks and i fucked up. I used cocaine every day of those 3 weeks. It was 7grams per day. I would wake up and stay all day using it while working (from home), go out, till 1-2am. Crash. Wake up and do it all over again.
Of course my brain is fucked now, all i can think of is cocacola, i cant stay 3 days away from it. 
The worst thing is that i enjoyed those daysā¦ without the family around, i felt no guilt and the usual depression of doing that shit close to the family.
Thats what im really worried about.
Anyway, i need to get back on track. Ive been clean for about a year twice in my life, i can do it again 
Welcome back!!!
I am happy you made it.
We have had 6 overdoses from cocaine laced with fentanyl. Lucky you arenāt dead
Our addictions use every trick and every excuse in the book to get us back to using. As you have just shown yourself and all of us. Iām glad youāre back. Now letās do this!
I guess the good thing is that the stuff i get is really good, as pure as you can get. 
Regardless, you never know what will be in the next batch! Itās always a risk.
Welcome back. You can do it again and ideally this time will be forever.
Lol unless you live in Colombia itās not pure.
And how I know your talking out your ass is that 7 grams of pure cocaine in one day most likely would have killed you without fentanyl. Especially if you had some clean time.
You seem like the type of dude who comes on a sobriety website to brag about how much coke they did and how good it was 
.
You donāt seem like you want to get sober at all. Or donāt care that you relapsed since you seem to think itās a joke.
I dont understand why you have to talk to me like this. What did I do to you? Why would i talk out of my ass? Why are you acusing me of things if you have never met me or dont know me besides a few messages on the internet? You should know that assuming how other people are, think or behave is completely wrong. You dont know me so dont talk like you do.
I dont need to prove anything to you and you should think about the words you said to me so maybe next time you will avoid doing that to another person.
We are all addicts, we have a condition and we all know how this problem affects us.
You should know that before attacking me with these words for no reason.
In the journey for sobriety, having a friend like you is like having an enemy. If you dont have anything positive or helpful to say to an addict, dont say anything then. Keep your agressiveness and sarcasm to yourself.
Take care and enjoy your weekend.
I hope you take your sobriety as seriously as my responses. I originally cautioned you because fentanyl is getting laced in with coke a lot. But itās cool cuz you wanna make yourself out like you got Pablo on speed dial. But trust me when I say that no matter what you think your drug dealer doesnāt give one shit about you or any of their customers. That coke you think is pure has been stomped on 5 times before it hits your nose. And unless you were watching personally each time it was cut you donāt have the slightest idea whatās in it. So you can laugh all ya want about in your thread title but I hope that doesnāt reflect your actual attitude. Too many people are dying to think this shit is funny.
I remember you Gonzo. Glad you are back. Do you think that rehab might be a good option for you? I am sorry that you are struggling. I left for awhile too, and recently came back.
Hi @Daphnecat , thanks for the kind words. 
In fact i just talked to my psychiatric yesterday about an inpatient treatment. I think its a good idea to go to a rehab clinic for some time to get clean and remove the cravings.
Unfortunately i cant do that due to my job. Only if I quit it. We agreed that I will try to get better now, if things dont improve, or get worse, i will go to a rehab clinic.
I did it once so im confident i do it again. With or without inpatient treatment. I told my doctor and my wife that either i fix this or i will die. So i believe i can fix this. Death is not an option.
My friend, you keep assuming things about me again. I could assume that you are just an internet troll, but i wont. I learned not to make assumptions about anyone, even the people close to me.
Keep your assumptions to yourself. And reflect about your words.
This is just a waste of our time. I wont spend my time reading and replying to your assumptions and agressiveness.
Take care.
No assumptions. Just reading the words as you have them written.
I am not trying to take your inventory, nor clean your side of the street (so pardon me, if it feels that way)ā¦ but the statement above has been stuck in my head since I read it.
Did you really? For me, looking back there was no real enjoyment. It took adding up sober days, and fixing some things about meā¦but I never enjoyed those days.
Looking back what I thought was fun was actually me numbing down the current feelings of lonliness, fear, embarrassment, ect, ect, ect.
Just my thought
Thatās how I feel about my drinking days. In the moment I thought I was truly living life. I thought I was the coolest guy out there and being drunk was badass and it was cool to have a ālive fast, die hardā kind of attitude.
Now that Iāve been sober for a little bit, Iāve come to understand what enjoying life really means. I will admit that I donāt think I could truly enjoy the little things as much as I do nowadays without having been slogging through life as a drunk first.
But hey, thatās not to say that someone out there canāt actually enjoy that type of lifestyle I suppose.
Welcome back 
Although we havenāt interacted much, I always noticed your posts because Gonzo is one of my fave Muppets! (Muppet Christmas Carol. Need I say more. Gonzo can give Morgan Freeman a run for his money as a narrator 
)
Me personally Iāve had conflicted feelings about family. I am still unpacking it but itās something that comes back in my feelings and thoughts again and again. Feelings of chafing you against (perceived?) obligations; against a sense of a gap between who I (think I) am and who I (think I) should be.
You mentioned,
In your first post here on TS, in 2019, you were reflecting on your family, and they obviously matter to you, but you also said you
Where do you think you picked up this sense of being stuck in your life? I think a lot of us would empathize with it. Where do you think it started?
Letās face it, drug dealers are not famed for their honesty or integrityā¦ I donāt think you can believe their claims that it is totally pure / the best. Not that it makes it any better.
Of course. But with all these years of use and buying from several different sources, i can tell the difference from A to B and to C.