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Good afternoon Chere here again…

Not quite sure what im feeling today but I guess as my username states “ lonely” comes to mind.

It’s interesting because drinking or not I am someone who appreciates time to myself but these days this feels like the exact opposite of what I want. Probably just really sitting with the reality of this break up Im currently going through.

I appreciate this community so much cause when I post and I receive responses, I can feel how not alone I am. I just miss my partner. Thats normal I know but it hurts.

So my first post I mentioned when my drinking began…back in college like most people who are introduced to binge drinking. This week I’ve been sitting with when exactly did it get this bad that choosing to drink alone was most important over all things and people I was close with.

Back in 2017 I was invited to live and train karate in Okinawa Japan for 3-6 months. This was HUGE! In 2016 I spent the year in a very toxic triangle of lies and drama trying to juggle 2 ppl not good for me at all ( nt my current ex) I spread myself so thin trying to maintain lies…and everything else that comes with juggling people wore me out!

Then Jan 1st 2017 I received the opportunity to leave everything behind…quit my full time job and I didn’t look back.

As great as this opportunity was for my karate I am now realizing this is where my drinking in isolation began. I was very alone in Japan. It was a program that myself and 7 other people from around the world were invited to. I didn’t fit in…and really didn’t care for any other of the participants. They assumed so much about me without getting to know me that one day I woke up and said to hell with them this is MY journey.

Most schools I trained at would get together after class for drinks ( at a venue or in the school) and food to just enjoy each other. I LOVED THIS.

However, I also took it upon myself to make this a routine even when I wasn’t with the groups. Every night after training I’d hit the local store and stack up on my drinks for the night. Most Fridays I didn’t train so Id start my drinking earlier and go into the night.

Most Saturdays I would wake up with my place completely destroyed wondering what kind of party did I have?! It was just me. Being 12 hrs ahead I wasn’t always able to connect with people at home, my wifi was poor…so I got used to my idea of fun being sitting alone and drinking ( everything is so much cheaper in Okinawa)

The one person I reconnected with after 7 years of no communication was my current ex. We would talk for hours everyday the entire time I was in Japan. This was great but clearly still physically alone…this routine I put in place for myself continued.

Well I brought this routine back with me upon returning to the states. It never stopped. So I can see overtime how this definitely worsened over the next couple years.

One day it went from just being an end of day routine to sometimes just saying it would be fun to be buzzed in the morning…afternoon…evenings

The drinking in isolation took on a new life of its own this year. The LQ delivery man knew me and my order like we known each for years.

Im sad that I allowed this to get so out of control that I am now alone to the point I got the space I’d been explaining to my ex I needed day in and day out. “ This is just who I am”

Clearly never being honest with saying its code for I need my time to drink alone and when Im done with that I will make time for you.

I know I can’t take anything back and I can’t dwell forever. But just taking time to understand how I got here…today.

There is so many more layers that I am sure I will share but for today thats my story.

Day 3 is suggested I find a sponsor. I am not even sure how to go about that or if I want to. I know its necessary but I am just unsure…

Thanks for reading

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Great share thank you Chere.
It is not a requirement of sobriety to get a sponsor. There is a topic going on now that you may be interested in at some point.

What is important to my mind is that you find out as much as you can about what you can expect over the coming days, weeks, months.

For this there is a search option at the top of the page, just type in anything and it will list all topics concerned.
Look up things like PAWS, HALT.

This is what I did when I joined here two years ago.
Read read and reread so much stuff, and digested it all.
There are so many ways of dealing with recovery, we have to find what suits us. Some of us take a while to find out what actually works for us.
The only thing required is an open mind to attempt anything.
Don’t let any predisposed biases get in the way.

So far your journey is fine, by posting and sharing on here you are already beginning your journey.

Sharing is a main characteristic of group therapy be it AA, SMART or whatever.
The saying " it’s good to share" is so true.
Nice thing is, we listen because we all understand!
So my advice to you, right now is relax, keep doing what feels right, keep doing what you are doing and find out as much as you can.

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@anon12657779’s advice is solid; there’s other threads around about sponsors if you’re curious. In short, it’s a twelve-step thing, a person who will share with you how they worked the 12 steps.

It helps them to help you, so you’ll likely find they’re happy to do so. Do it in your own time. I was told, “Find someone who has what you want.” Then you just ask! They’ve been there and know how you feel, just like us here.

If unsure, some groups have a coordinator who can pair you up with someone to get started. And if it doesn’t work out, you can always change sponsors.

Otherwise, yeah! It’s great to see you coming back and working on it. Maybe try the Checking in Daily thread, too? It’s a great place for staying in touch daily, and getting to know some other members.

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Thanks so much for this. Very helpful and means a lot.

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Thank you! I am looking into alternatives as we speak. I appreciate the help

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Thank you for sharing. I often feel lonely myself, and I think this place provides a great way by which people like us can hopefully connect and feel less alone.

I enjoyed reading your post, too. To be able to travel to Okinawa is pretty cool in and of itself.

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