Good...fuckin....lord

[Klh1998]

I want to start by saying I know in the depths of my soul everything will work out how it’s meant to. I know everything will be okay but my heart hurts, my brain is tired, and my body hates me right now.

I made a check in post not too long ago. I was already really stressed…. More stressed than I let on. When I made that last post I was covered in stress hives and felt like if I even let my brain turn all the way on I was gonna fall apart. Here is the larger picture of everything that’s happened.

I was wrongfully terminated last summer. I made it by and it was okay. In October I started a new job. It is quite literally my dream job. I’m making more money than I’ve ever made doing what I love (art/graphic design) for an awesome company. But, the work load is a lot and it was a big adjustment.

Well around this time I was also dealing with some insane stuff in our apartment. We are actually working with an attorney now as there were several laws broken including ADA laws. Eventually they were forced to let us out of our lease due to a really massive violation (while we are pursuing I can’t actually give more detail on it) BUT that put us moving 3 days before Christmas which was stressful enough on its own.

Then 2 days before we moved my grandma passed away. I was and still am dealing with a lot of guilt. My father (her son) is a narcissist. He constantly lies for attention, he constantly manipulates everyone around him, he abused me in a variety of ways my entire life. But, his family hates him so much that they all just kept their distance. Including from me. He also convinced me they didn’t want anything to do with me and they were bad people. Claimed they abused him. My grandma always kept in touch with me. I should have made more time for her but there were parts of my childhood and conversations I was avoiding. My dad called me on the 19th and said “your uncle called me last night and said grandma was in hospice she has had cancer and it spread to her brain and was in her final hours so I believe she’s already dead” I asked if he was okay and his response was “yep. We didn’t have a good relationship. I always tried to make sure you had a relationship with them though. So I thought you’d want to know” that last part isn’t true. He spent years doing the opposite of that. But I spent all morning making calls to the people I knew how to reach thinking she was gone and I didn’t get to say goodbye. My grandpa finally called me back. I haven’t spoken to him directly in 15 years. We talked and he told me she wasn’t cognitive but still here and told me I could come say goodbye I spent hours talking with my grandpa (my dads step dad) and my uncle (his brother) I realized that my dad was as abusive to everyone else as he was me. We all shared secrets and traumas he caused that we thought we would take to the grave. So while I feel guilty for missing so much time with my grandma it felt like she left one final gift for us she brought us back together. It’s been really rough to process.

Following this my fiancé and I woke up Christmas day with the worst flu I’ve ever experienced. My fiancé almost died. He has no immune system due to chemo and had a 103 degree fever. He was completely delusional and pale. It was horrifying. I then wound up in the same position.

All of this while surrounded by chaos in our still packed house, barely able to function, grieving and still working from home. Something in me just……absolutely broke. I thought about drinking for hours. I’m honestly a little glad I was too sick to even walk.

My grandma’s funeral was yesterday. It was a beautiful service. My dad couldn’t have cared less. I did notice every time he called or texted his newest wife was with him. After almost 3 decades of watching him work I knew……… he was keeping the illusion. If he broke down now he’d have to admit that his mom was never abusive and he’d made it all up for attention. When I talked to my mom and step mom (my dad’s 3rd wife) they both separately said the exact same thing.

I’m currently very low contact with my dad and his wife. I just can’t handle it right now. But (especially after reliving some of the horrific things he has done) I don’t know how I’m supposed to continue having him in my life. I don’t know how I’m supposed to continue watching him lie to my face and use everyone around him.

I made a therapy appointment but….. like I said my heart really hurts.

[Alisa]

I’m glad that you are writing it out and thinking about it and talking about it. I have not read the book myself, but there’s a book called “Cutting ties with your parents” from New Harbinger.
I’m sorry about your grandmother and about all the hurts in your life

[erntedank]

This is a lot on your plate, hugs to you

I think therapy is a very good idea, we need help and support to navigate life sometimes.
Maybe you switch the contact with your dad on pause until you digested and let go of the heavy emotions and things that happened. We need time to process, sort and digest heavy life load. Focus on yourself and your needs. Take as much time as you need. Detach and recover from the overwhelm and overload.
Please share away, it helps to get things off our chests and sort our thoughts and feelings.
You are not alone

[MissingPeace]

I’m sorry that you are going through so much! That is a lot. I’m a graphic designer, too, and they put so much on one person lately in this industry. Make sure you take care of yourself during this time as much as you can. You deserve that, even if you don’t think so. Your health is more important and all of this is a lot to go through.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for but I know feelings are not as simple as that. You have a lot of grief going on in multiple ways and that can do a number on your health. Healthy rituals have helped me, and whenever I’ve neglected grieving, I eventually relapsed.

I worked pretty much immediately after my dad died because I wanted to be a better daughter for him and to perform harder than ever because of the guilt, but I eventually had a very serious health problem because many things were eating at me that I was trying not to listen to. Carve out that time because it’s super important. Thank you for sharing with us that’s hard to do sometimes but important and I’m glad you did.

[Cjp]

Oh boy that is A LOT and all in quick timing. Im so greatful you stayed sober thru it all and that you have a therapy appt to process all this. Sending hugs.

[Lezourez]

That’s not just a bucket load of shite to deal with, it’s a whole dumpster, on fire of course.

My wife and I had flu A+++ all over Christmas and new year, but nowhere near as bad as you two did, in comparison ours was just a mild head cold

My father died in 2024 and I hadn’t spoken to him in almost 20 years, we stopped talking just after I got sober
He was your textbook narcissist, “me to me is everything the sweetest song that I can sing, oooh me”

I’ve always kept in touch with my Mum, but as she just turned 83, is riddled with rheumatoid arthritis, dodgy heart and lives 250 miles away that’s pretty much a daily worry

I’m very glad you didn’t drink, drinking makes everything stressful 200 X worse and your ability to deal with it almost zero.
Adding the guilt, anxiety and self loathing of a relapse would definitely have put you up shit creek, without a paddle.

As always stay safe, stay strong and above all else stay sober. Also good luck with the action you are persuing and I really hope it goes in your favour.

Sending hugs healing vibes, strength and love your way.
&

[ArrowUnbound]

That is a heavy load you are carrying. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope that it gave you some relief by writing it all out instead of keeping it in. Your relationship with your dad is similar to the one I have with my narcissistic mother. She also made elaborate stories about my grandparents and how awful they were, but in their final years I found out from other family members, that simply was not true. Alcohol made me numb all of the pain I endured by being told by my mother that I was a worthless piece of shit that would never amount to anything in this life. It took me 30 years to finally realize I needed to place boundaries with her in order to keep my PEACE and live my life free from the chains of her unhealthy codependency. I was able to get there with therapy so I’m glad that you’ve made that first step!

~Nina

[SassyRocks]

That is a lot over a period of time to deal with…a very heavy load you are carrying. Know that it is okay to love people from afar. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with your self. Please take care of the one, precious you. I am glad you shared and hope the care and understanding and simply the act of writing it out may have eased the pressure a bit. Be gentle with your self.

[Klh1998]

Thank you! I started reading one recently called there’s a hole in my love cup and it’s phenomenal.

[Klh1998]

Thank you for taking the time to read all this. This still isn’t even everything. When you sprinkle the small things on top too its absolutely crushing. I know it’ll be okay its just SO much right now.

[Klh1998]

Thank you very much. I love my routines and rituals. They help. My entire life still being in boxes does make it a little tricky. But then I struggle to find the motivation to unpack

I’m planning on dedicating the whole weekend to getting my life back in order. At least the parts I van control like not living out of boxes anymore lol

[Klh1998]

Thank you

I don’t think I’ve ever been more thankful for my sobriety.

[Klh1998]

Thank you so much. I know it will get better. It feels like the end of the world now but a few months from now I’ll reflect on this and be able to see it from a different view.

[Klh1998]

Ugh that’s rough. Its nice to not feel alone. Most of my life I always at least had my mom in some capacity. Both my parents are addicts. My mom was sober most of my childhood. She relapsed in my teens when she got into a really bad accident. Then she got clean again. Then she released more recently. Then she had a seizure and went into cardiac arrest from withdrawals. Then she had a mini stroke. She’s back in her recovery journey. Shes having a hard time getting out of an abusive marriage. Shes been w my step dad since i was 3. He just started drinking more and more and i domt even know who he is anumore. I’m 0 for 2 on dad’s basically lol (sorry I have to joke a little or it gets too real) it’s hard. Family is hard. There’s this song that I’ve really connected too in my journey. It’s called D4RK SIDE by Ekoh. The start of the song is all a darker skill based rap and halfway through it changes to more of an up beat very real honest and vulnerable song. Very good. But there’s a line in it that says “my whole bloodlines embarrassing. Anxiety and addiction….family inheritance. I used to bitch ‘bout how unfair it is. I couldn’t see how fortunate I am if I would just take care of it”

Very very deep line for me.

[Klh1998]

Letting it out helped. I’ve gotten so closed off this year. Idk why I do it to myself

Especially when there’s a whole community of people working through the same shit.

[erntedank]

We are here for you, share away. We sometimes need a reminder that we are not alone and can lean on others

On unpacking the boxes: One box at a time. From lots of experience, please take your time and do it one box at a time Motivation not needed, just unpack and put away one box, rest, do somerhing else, then another box inbetween other tasks. Leave the “not urgent” boxes for the end of the process. It sounds weird but I managed to unpack really big households alone in a for me comfortable timeline this way. Just sharing what works for me

[Klh1998]

Ugh thank you! I’m thankful my fiancé will be helping me but he is a bit of a “pusher” in the sense that when he wants something done he works and works and works until its done lol

But we talked about it and planned a few fun breaks over the weekend

[erntedank]

ugh, that’s a straining thing. strengthen your boundaries and say STOP when it gets too much or too quick for you. you might repeat it multiple times until the message is processed speaking from experience, oh my gosh could my ex drain my energy with such pushing

[Klh1998]

I’m happy to report that we actually got a lot done without too much pushing lol we just are kind of doing things when we want to and being supportive to each other. Since we got sober he’s less pushy at me but not with himself. I have to remind him that it’s okay to stop. It’s okay to pause. Your worth isn’t determined by how useful you are. I’m proud of him for working on it but I remember how hard it was to break that pattern of “if I’m not being useful then why am i here”

[erntedank]

Oh I’m so happy to read this!!!
You two are great
Congrats