Gosh darn it

Emotional Support
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I’m in a bit of a mood. It’s 3.07am and I can’t sleep. I don’t know where to start and this text might be all over the place, but please bear with.

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I need to clear the air - not necessarily for anyone else’s sake, but more for me I guess.

I’m having a bit of a hard time checking in here on TS. I stopped following some threads and can’t even bother to update my own one. Now, I know I don’t have to, it’s all up to me and so on. And I’m not looking for excuses, or an “absolution”.

I’ve been having hard time with sobriety ever since I had that hook up with a friend a little less than a year ago. And tonight I started really thinking about this past year in sobriety. Sure, it hasn’t been great and I feel less connected to TS than when I first joined. And yes, I will always have my friend Olivia as we’ve known each other outside of TS for a wee while now, but I’m finding it harder to find female PMO addict peer support and I am finding it harder than before to connect and relate to other doc’s unfortunately. But that’s on me. I still enjoy the TS zooms and the connection there but that’s about it (well, with few exceptions of course). But I’m not disappointed or angry at myself, I’m actually content. Or like you know, I’m not beating myself up all the time in my head. Don’t know if that’s good or bad, it just is what it is.

I guess a trigger warning is in order: sex stuff.

So my doc is PMO, and I remember growing up with an overly religious Christian mother, and from her I kinda learned and got the impression that sex is something dirty and nasty. I feel that that has had an effect in my thinking of sex and such and having an overbearing guilt over sexual things, which I think has been one of the issues why it all became so addictive for me. But for some time now, I’ve started to see things differently and I’ve been processing the overbearing guilt. I’m not saying that I have it all figured out, but I must say that it has taken a turn for the better.

I’ve been writing this text over an hour and it’s 4.25 am here now, so I’m not sure anymore where I was going with all this lol
I guess I just wanna say, yes I’m here in the background, giving likes to cat pictures especially.

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My dear friend,
I really appreciate your honesty whenever you share. Recovery takes us to such interesting places. I’m glad you’ve been seeing progress. I really hope we’d find a place for proper peer support on our doc.

I’m there for you anytime :yellow_heart::heartpulse:

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I think this is way big. I am not sure we ever ‘figure it all out’…as much as we move thru stuff, gain insight and grow. So, sounds like a win to me! Hope you got some rest. :butterfly:

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@Olivia thank you dear! :yellow_heart: Honesty feels good.

@SassyRocks Thank you! :yellow_heart: I’m glad there has been this shift inside of me. Is this what growing up is like, might I ask! :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: Oh and yeah, I got some rest eventually, thanks! But I had to have some coffee to get me through that day :sweat_smile:

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