I’m not here to make myself look bad, of throw anyone off with this topic , but ,
For the longest time I thought I was never an angry , or could come off as an abusive drunk.
But the more I’m starting to talk to be and be open about my alcoholism , people have claimed I’ve come off as aggressive and “kind of abusive” , or just really annoying as like I had tunnel vision or could really only stick to one set of way which came off as stubborn if that makes sense.
I’m not proud of some of this I’ve heard coming back to me because deep down when I’m sober I’m the complete opposite. I’ve also been convinced this whole time I was never an issue when I was drunk from what I felt seeing as, I still worked , cleaned myself everyday, attended to chores and cooked my meals . (Guess I was black out more then I expected) .
But maybe these are some of the first incidents that are all starting to clue in because of how foggy my brain and memory has been literally been for the last decade.
I think it could be triggers with trauma of my past and what I’ve been through , those kinds of things. When I did have bad encounters with alcohol or under the influence , it has been around abusive people in the past. My ex girlfriends dad who I used to live with was a very abusive drunk, and came off as really intimidating at that time , and used to keep me up all hours of the night yelling and screaming while I was trying to get sleep for work and be up at the crack of dawn those days. I remember stuff like that still somewhat bothering me to this day because in those time periods even with that issue , and outside in my own personal life issues it was a really hard time for me.
I wonder if this behaviour I’m starting to show in once a blue moon behavior I’ve kind of picked up and inherited over the time that is slowly turning into someone who I claimed I never wanted to be, or if there’s more of an underlying issue ?
In a way I’m lucky that whoever I’ve hurt in the process has come back and told me I’m a good guy and that they knew that wasn’t the real me and I was just going through a lot, but deep down the guilt and shame is still there. I feel so ignorant , and honestly not proud of who I am. I feel extremely vulnerable to share this stuff to this community but I truly have nobody to talk to about this right now, and I’m back on day 2 almost and emotions and cravings are high . I also gotta get rid of my empties collection today. 
