Gotta let go, but having a hard time

So I was just reading a woman’s post about an ex and how he wants back into her life. She has gone back in the past, but know its for good this time.
This was really what I needed to here.
My story with my wife is up in the air right now. She knew I wanted help and was waiting for a bed to open but due to covid it took almost 3 months. In that time I completely lost it, nothing physical but nasty texts, always when I was drunk. Im at 90 days sober today and have not spoken to my wife or 14 year old son for over 4months. When I did my first outpatient program in November- December '19 my wife told me two things, I needed residential, outpatient wasn’t gonna work, and that I needed to hit rock bottom. I figured with a restraining order and no contact I had hit rock bottom. I am currently in residential.
I have been back and forth in my mind is she just making me really hit bottom and see what happens for awhile after get out of residential or are we truly finished. I know she believes I have to this by myself and for myself, I believe that also and having no problems with that. If I can’t do this for myself, what good am I to anyone else.
Am I holding on to a lost cause?
I do love my family and would do anything to get back to our happy life together.


I here ya and I am slowly tuning out that voice inside, this is me time.

1 Like

Hi Chris, and welcome to Talking Sober!

All I have to share is my experience. The first time I got dry, I went to AA and stayed away from drinking for about 90 days. I had been tossed out of the house by my first wife, and was trying to make ends meet on 14 hours a week as a nursing aide. And I was in grad school at the time. I had a little bit going on, you know, and stopping drinking was really tough for me.

She didn’t let me back in the house, so I did the reasonable thing for this alcoholic, I started drinking again. A mere 18 years later I found permanent sobriety. And at that time, I simply didn’t care that I was facing multiple losses - family, home, freedom, job, stuff. I just really really wanted to stop drinking, and I didn’t know how to not drink. I got lots of help and I did get and stay sober.

Like you, I knew I had to get sober because I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.
I had to get sober because I wanted to be sober more than I wanted anything else. Period full stop, no other motivation was going to work. Intellectual approaches and emotional appeals did not work on this drunk. Like you, I knew I could not get sober to please someone else (spouse, boss, judge). I had tried that a few times in those 18 intervening years, I went to inpatient rehab and outpatient rehab and counseling and through the court and punishment system, took medication etc etc. What I kind of recognized at the time and know full well now is that I considered those bouts of dryness as the necessary cost of doing business so that I could return to drinking how I wanted to.

I got sober on the strength of a spiritual experience, an out of body episode that left me convinced that everything was going to be alright and I would be able to stop drinking. From that powerful start, and once again constrained by the courts, I got dry and then I got sober. Because for me, to drink was to die and I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live and I was promised it would be okay. I trusted that promise, even though things looked pretty bleak there for a while, I trusted that things would be okay. And they were okay and they are okay.

Every little thing is gonna be alright. :pray:


Thank you, it does feel great to be dry. I say dry right now because I am still in residential recovery, I’ll be sober when I am out and left to my own intentions
Again thank you

I think if you are trying to get sober and stay sober out of live your family, that that is a good, solid reason. But, and this is just my personal opinion, if don’t find reasons to be sober for yourself, it may not be as lasting a sobriety as it could be. Any lasting change I ever made ended up being for healthy personal reasons. I like myself better when I’m sober, I feel better in my body and mind when I’m clean.

So if love for your family is what gets you sober, that’s good. If you can do it for them AND yourself, even better. Don’t give up. I don’t think all is lost for you yet. :purple_heart:

Thank you for your support. I am in this for me and myself only. The first month or so my wife was in my head, as she still is a bit. I 100% realize that I have to do this for myself, if I can’t do it for myself I will be no good to anyone. It’s a great feeling, doing it for yourself, there’s a big burden thats lifted off you and it becomes easier to concentrate on yourself. Thanks for chatting

1 Like

I was thinking about this post later and i realized that I might have sounded a little preachy. I’m sorry if I did. :smirk: It was not my intention.

Always a pleasure!

No worries, you didn’t come across preachy at all. And if you did and I was offended I would have way bigger problems than drinking. :rofl:

1 Like

LOL Well that’s a good point.