After reading @SmokeyMirror check-in this morning, which is AWESOME (hope you dont mind me tagging you), it got me thinking about my own perception of the world. His post details his gratitude for having another day in front of him, a mindset which I hope I can adopt someday.
I examined my own thoughts, and realized that I have a tendency to view each day as more of an obstacle than anything. Something to get past. I get bogged down in the mundane day-to-day, and really just kind of canāt wait for each day to be overā¦despite having so much good in my life that I do recognize, and recognizing that Iām quite fortunate. What is my hurry to just go through the motions everyday and be done with it? Why canāt I embrace each day for what it really is: an opportunity?
I have times where I am positive, but I definitely go through these long phases of justā¦wishing away the days, blandness. These phases have led me to drink in the past if I am not aware and careful. I understand not everyday will be sunshine and roses just because I donāt drink, and I must make additional changesā¦but how, and where?
Just hoping for advice and suggestions on how to alter my mindset/perception, and snap out of these existential wormholes I get stuck in. I want to get better. Maybe whats written here can help someone else, too. I hope it does.
Omg, same. Blandness is exactly the right word. I have days where I just got up and wonder, is it time for bed yet? Alcohol definitely spiced up the blandness of my days, so now itās up to me to figure out what I can spice with thatās healthy and positive. As a person very early in recovery, I havenāt really been pushing myself to do that yet, I am focused on getting through the day sober. In time, I will get to a point where the Bland will start itās thing. I have a number of activites in mind to deal with it.
my early days of sobriety were difficult, bland and very anxiety filledā¦as time went by and I started feeling better I started reading literature on sobriety and alcohol addiction by people who are succeedingā¦ this helped me change my attitude towards alcohol. I knew I hated it for what it had done to me and my familyā¦but in order to beat it I needed to feel free from itā¦ not to miss it at allā¦ reading these books plus exercise has helped me think differently e.g. when I meet friends in the pub I used to see this as an opportunity to drinkā¦ now I see it as a time to catch with my pals and this can still be done soberā¦in fact much betterā¦ you can remember it the next dayā¦ @TMAC great topic
What a great post!! An āattitude of gratitudeā is an amazing way to live. If we look for it then we can find the positive in ANY situation.
I find that prayer helps me to remember all of my blessings. When I have one kid complaining that heās hungry while the baby is in my arms crying for no other reason than heās an asshole, saying a prayer helps me survive. Helps me to remember how blessed I am to have these beautiful children. And it helps me to remember that the hair pulling frustration is only temporary.
Thats a great suggestion. I dont really pray, but i am willing to give it a shot. I think part of prayer is slowing down, bringing yourself back to center, removing yourself for a moment. I started teaching myself to āpause and slow downā a few months ago when I realized I was frequently getting stressed out by even menial things, and my stress levels started impacting my loved ones. My anxiety and stress were getting out of control.
Now, after a few months of practice, it is almost my default to pause and tell myself āreel it inā when I feel my blood pressure rising/stress increasing due to something small and meaningless in the big picture. āI wont remember that guy that cut me off a week from nowā¦chill, its not worth the stressā, stuff like that. Maybe I can apply a similar āpause and thinkā to this sort of thing, too, when I find myself slipping down the rabbit hole.
Iāve found over the last few years of knowing I had a problem with alcohol to actually doing something about it once and for all I slowly started to change my outlook on life. When I was in the grip of my addiction to various narcotics I used them to escape reality, the abject shitness of my existence. Like you, the day seemed empty. Over time and with the help of various teachings I came to embrace the emptiness of life, it really is quite serene and beautiful, being sober enhances life it doesnāt diminish it. Right now Iām sat in the kitchen, cup of tea and looking out into the garden. Just the simple beauty of the bright red berries in the honeysuckle is enough to make life seem pretty good. When I was off my face wasted I couldnāt even tell you I had a garden. Drinking makes us incredibly self centred.
You know, I read the other day about an experiment in the 70s, they put a rat in a cage by himself and gave him 2 water bottles, one just water and the other water with a heroin/cocaine mix, think speedball for rats. Anyway, he naturally ODād and died. A few years ago a scientist looked at this experiment and thought heād try something, rats like us are social, intelligent beings. He had the same 2 water bottles but this time the cage was like rat paradise, there were tunnels, coloured balls, other rats, girl rats too , not a single rat took the speedball water. He hypothisised that the more active the rats, the more stimulated the less likely they were to feel the need for alleviating their existential angst. Moral of the story, keep busy, do something that stimulates you.
Iāll grab something here for the experiment and post it.
OK this guy talks about the rat experiment a few minutes in. Itās only 14 minutes long but itās a great watch
This little tid bit got me through some hard timesā¦ And some not so hard onesš There were days I said it a hundred times. It is cliche, but it works in many different ways.
God,
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Just saying that and feeling the words is relaxing
Itās like you said too, just step back and slow down for a sec. Breath and observe. And yes, you can say it in your car after that asshole cut you off!!
Thanks for the thoughtful response, man ā glad to see your name pop up, too
That experiment makes sense. I go to the gym regularly, eat well, all thatā¦things I do enjoy, but they also are a task and for me, a necessity. āFunā is so low on my mental priority list. Iām so driven by efficiency and doing things that serve a purpose (just how i am), that I often forget about doing things just for the sake of fun. Thanks for helping me come to that realization. Im going to work on it.
A therapist I was seeing once had me make a daily list. In the evening I would have to look back on the day and list three things that were positive or for which I was thankful. It did help, as I tend to be a stoic. I really need to do that again.
Love the topic of gratitudeā¦which for me, is the result of balancing my ego & remaining humble.
If alcoholism hasnāt humbled me enough for a lifetime, life itself sure has. Since sobriety Iāve experienced: a divorce, returning to school as an adult, starting over in a new career, the death of a parent, our home burning down (a week before Christmas no less), a child dying in my arms, raising my own child, watching my husbandās health plummet, finding two kidney donors for my husband over a 11 yr periodā¦plus donāt even get me started on aging overall
ā¦and I couldnāt be more centered, balanced, calm & happy today if I tried. I have the same level of gratefulness & enthusiasm for life now, as I did back in my pink cloud days.
I worked on re-wiring a grateful heart, mind & spirit into this once broken body & soul of a woman.
Prayer, is it for meā¦that did it. The closer I feel to God, the more I can feel his love, guidance & will for me unfold daily.
It has been my honor to have this gift of sobriety bestowed on meā¦We have hit the lotteryā¦USā¦ A bunch of drunks & addicts!? Very few people get this unique opportunity to start from scratch & rewrite their lives. We have the keys to the universe in the palm of our hands people! Skys the limit . Weāre so damn lucky!
So so so good!!! Thank you for your insight! Itās inspiring and beautiful! I went into rehab June 29 this year scared to death, terrified, and so sad that I had put myself there. I walked out July 20th grateful, happy, peaceful and so full of life. It was the best experience Iāve ever had in my life. A healing and compassionate place, I wish everybody could go to rehab honestly. Even those without an addiction because it truly is a gift to heal and self reflect. I too am grateful that I am an alcoholic because if I wasnāt I donāt think I would have grown as a human being. I never would have taken the time to heal from the trauma and grief that has occurred in our life. I actually get to live sober and enjoy life as it comes- the good and the bad. There arenāt many that can say they found themselves again and continued to grow. Thank you so much for that reminder ļø
I wish everybody could go to rehab honestly. Even those without an addiction because it truly is a gift to heal and self reflect.
Agreedā¦though it may get crowded in there I too firmly believe sobriety (and the process gone through to attain it) has given me my biggest secret weapon in life. Itās my biggest asset in any situation hands down.
Big hugs to you & welcome to your new life. Sounds like youāre off to an amazing start ļø
Sounds like you already practice mindfulness, do you meditate? I only do 10 minutes a day most days but am trying to get to the point where I build it up and do more in those empty moments.
I am just starting to read The Art of Happiness and that might have some interesting insights for you. It touches on lots of things that lots of people have said here, itās the product of conversations between a psychiatrist and the Dalai Lama, merging Eastern (Buddhist) thinking with modern Western psychology.
Also if you are looking for things to fill your time, check out some volunteering opportunities near you. Compassion leads to happiness - even the Dalai Lama says so
I will try meditation again! Great ideaā¦i usually end up falling asleep, not sure thats supposed to happen
I have considered volunteering at an animal shelter before, because I LOVE animals and caring for them. Its just a matter of finding time, life can get so busy (not making excuses, just have many obligations, as we all do).
Hey @TMAC I am so humbled that my post made an impact on you. Honestly, I have had some amazing teachers, read some inspiring books and have some good friends to keep me in gratitude.
Most books that Iāve read, especially āWay of the Peaceful Warriorā by Dan Millman have reminded me that life is very short, and tomorrow is not a promise to anyone.
I listened to Tony Robbins tell stories of people whose only requirement for happiness is that they awoke that morning with breath in their lungs. I have several men in my group but one in particular who has really been through the wringer and making a gratitude list every day is one of the only things keeping him alive.
I have a lot of work to do around gratitude and I feel grateful for where I am now.
Itās a lot like learning a language for me; I can go to a country and not speak their language and immerse myself in it. Iāll pick it up eventually, over time and be able to communicate at a basic level. Or I can allow others to teach me what they know, and read and practice and work at it and I will have a much better understanding of whatās going on, maybe pick up some stuff I may not have just by being around it. Thatās what I do. Surround myself with grateful people, and learn the language in books and such.
Youāre doing awesome. Knowing what you want is key. It has taken me several years to figure out that I want to live a life of happiness.
Haha yes I have nodded off a few times I find the best time of day for me is first thing in the morning. Sitting on the edge of a hard chair (like at the kitchen table) also helps as I donāt associate that place with sleep, and not resting my back on anything means I have to support my own weight.
Re volunteering, agreed about the time. I am involved in two volunteering things and one is very time consuming, the other is more laid back. There are so many ways you can get involved though. E.g. if your local animal shelter does fundraising days, you could see if they need help manning a table at events or turning up at bucket collections. Charities are often short of fundraising volunteers so itās super useful and can be easier to dip in and out of. If you chat to them and are honest about the time and commitment level you have to give they will let you know what they have available.
Iām going to check out that book! I need to get better at finishing books, I have a few from the āself helpā realm. I am the champion of getting halfway through books and not completing them - another thing to work on!
Thatās a great analogy with learning a language, that really makes sense to me. When I first decided to turn myself around 6-7 years ago, one of the first things I did was to carve out the overly-negative people in my life, of which there were many. Mind you, I held and hold no ill will towards any of them, they just werenāt part of my future ā detracting from my life more than enhancing it, as friends and associates should do for each other. I actually recently reconnected with one of my good friends from those days that I had no choice but to leave behind, and he seems to be in a much better place himself now. Iām excited to see if we can forge a resurrected friendship. Iām very choosy with who I allow into my life these days, but admittedly, have not been great at actively seeking out positive peopleā¦more just avoiding negative ones, if that makes sense. I do have a very small group of great friends, weād do anything for each other. We only see each other once every 1-2 months though, just busy schedules and geographic distance. Iād love to know more people though, and it can be tough to find new friends as an adult. But, nothing will change unless I make the conscious effort myself.
Thanks again for your posts, my friend, and thanks for the kind words. I am proud of ya. May we always be one day apart
, not a single rat took the speedball water. He hypothisised that the more active the rats, the more stimulated the less likely they were to feel the need for alleviating their existential angst. Moral of the story, keep busy, do something that stimulates you.
ļø
I too firmly believe sobriety (and the process gone through to attain it) has given me my biggest secret weapon in life. Itās my biggest asset in any situation hands down.
