It has been a challenging year. I was my moms main caregiver. I stayed sober and strong. Now in my grief after her death I am having my first craving for a drink. I am 22 months sober. It has been smooth sailing up until this point. I am having trouble sleeping and horrible nightmares about my mom’s end of life care. Survivors guilt is killing me.
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Andrea, my heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine the sense of loss you feel. I’m here if you want to talk about it.
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Hello Andrea,
My mother passed on 9 years ago this week. Your craving will pass. Your guilt will ease. It is ok and natural to feel the loss and grief, maybe anger, and sadness. These feelings, believe it, are the gifts of sobriety. Stay sober as a testament to her memory. Sober, we have a chance. And, as my mother has done time and again, she will return to you. Blessings on your house 
in this time of loss and grief.
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Grief is always difficult. I am so grateful that you did stay sober through her last days and for that twenty two months.
The feelings that you are feeling are normal. Consider going to your family doctor and talking to your family doctor about it. There might be some options for you to help you get through this easier. And certainly to help you protect your sobriety. Hold onto your sobriety as something dedicated to your mother. The recurring thoughts and the nightmares I’m sorry you’re having them. I hope that you can get some help to get through this hard time easier and without drinking. Big hugs to you.
There may also be grief groups in your area.
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I am starting a grief counseling group this coming week. Thank you. I have been doing counseling with the hospice people over the phone once a month since my mom passed. But I obviously need something different.
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How long has it been since your mom passed? I’m glad that you are doing some things already, getting ready to do the grief counseling, and also realizing that you need more. Family doctor would probably be a good start.
Grief is hard and there is not a timetable for it. Nightmares and recurring thoughts are difficult and damaging. I hope soon things will start turning around some for you and in the meantime I’m glad that you posted and that you realize that your sobriety is at stake. Please hold it close to you and treasure it and don’t let go of it.
She passed April 19 of this year. Two days later I was admitted in the hospital to have my gallbladder removed. And during that time my husband had cancer surgery. So things have just been fast paced and stressful. The not sleeping is hard. I don’t want to take too many sleeping medications they are addictive. I don’t need to kick one thing to pick up another.
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I’m not suggesting you take any sleeping medicine. Your family doctor might suggest that you talk to a counselor at least once a week or however much you can depending on your insurance and ability to pay etc. Another person on your side who can listen to you and help you deal constructively and professionally with the feelings that you have.
Here on this site a lot of people are involved with meditation. It might be trying some of that might help you some. It could possibly divert some of your thoughts for the short 15 or 20 minutes or however long the particular meditation is. Search meditation in the search bar and you will find the thread.
It is medication from my doctor for insomnia and anxiety. I just don’t like to take such medication. I will check out the meditations. I am a Christian and prayer does help me a great deal.
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My insurance pays for the calm app. And I have been doing those on my iPhone at bedtime. Sleep stories are good.
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