Checking in 116 days smoke free. Really got an urge for something to bring some comfort. I am not going to buy cigarettes but realise I have not broken that link in my brain yet.
In some ways I don’t want to reach for anything… But I have done so much feeling of my feelings and at this very moment I just want a break. Writing this helps. This too shall pass.
Great going siand! And good finding some distractions like writing this out. I’m not sure this is adequate or helpful to you but I remember when I quit this repost from my old quit smoking forum was very helping to me. The time frame described in it didn’t fit me, it took me longer to get out of ‘no-man’s land’, but the feelings described in it were. Anyway, it may or may not apply to you. If not sorry. If it does I hope it helps. Might help some others too, who knows.
No Man’s Land
From tc_guy 5/7/2002
I seldom start a post, unless it is to honor someone’s anniversary. But I feel compelled to share something that I seem to be sharing a lot of lately… and that is my thoughts on ‘No Man’s Land’. No Man’s Land is a dangerous and scary place… and it is a lonely time during a quit. I call No Man’s Land that period of time between about 1 month and 3 or 4 months into your quit, or about the time from the end of your first month until you become an Elder. This is a time when many people slip and go into a full relapse and have to start over… if they can start over, that is. I have some observations that may help some of you who are literally hanging on by your fingernails… or who may find yourself there tomorrow.
The first month is an exhausting but exhilarating experience… you are locked in nearly daily struggles and you get the satisfaction of successfully beating your addiction that day. You go to bed a WINNER each night (as Troutnut would say), and you are justifiably proud of yourself. Your friends and family are also supportive as they see you struggling each day to maintain your quit. And you are being constantly supported here, whether or not you post… just being here is good for your quit. And so, the battles are won and it actually becomes easier and the battles occur less often as you finish 30 days or so.
Around 60 days, you’re starting to have some really good days, with very few craves and some nice insights about yourself… but then again, you still have some bad days. Those bad days can really be depressing… you begin to wonder if you’re ever gonna be able to relax. Your junkie is whispering to you, telling you that ‘just one’ won’t hurt. You’ve conquered your daily triggers, but now you start tripping over the occasional ones… a death in the family, unexpectedly bad news, money problems, health problems, going on a long car ride, a trip to the bar, or whatever. You have a strong crave and you begin to doubt your ability to keep your quit.
In addition, the 3D support that you used to get is pretty much gone… non-smokers figure you should be ‘over it’ by now, smokers don’t like to hang around you much because they feel guilty and addicted (remember that feeling?), and people who have quit may not remember just how much love and support you need well into the first few months. They all think you should be ‘over it’, you think you should be ‘over it’… and the temptation is to have ‘just one’ to see if you ARE over it.
But of course you’re not over it, are you? That ‘just one’ whisper becomes much much louder and becomes ‘just one more’… and each time you give in to that whisper, the craves come harder and sooner. The one way to guarantee that your craves will never go away is to light up, to slide that old cigarette needle into your arm and shoot up. Those craves will be back and keep coming back. But if you protect your quit, your craves will eventually weaken and become even fewer and farther between.
As you get to around 100 days or so (some will be a bit longer)… you will begin to really get a healthy perspective on your addiction. You will see the huge role that smoking played in your life, you will see clearly what that addiction really cost you. And you will understand that it was a very high price to pay… the loss of your confidence, your emotions, your self-control… your SELF. All enslaved to your addiction. And you will begin to see that you can look forward to a non-smoking future without romanticizing your addiction. You see it clearly for the life-stealing evil it was… and is. You see a much different future for yourself than your past has been. And it no longer scares the crap out of you to think that you are done smoking… in fact, you embrace that thought with joy every day.
But you have to get out of No Man’s Land first. How can you help yourself? And how can those of us who have been through it help you?
First of all, you need to understand that you aren’t alone. If you haven’t already done so, make a pinky-finger promise with 2 or 3 good quit buds and exchange phone numbers with them. Promise to call them if you’re ever in trouble, and make them promise the same. These are your ‘life and death’ quit buddies… you are literally trusting each other with your lives. Then call them… often. Just to see how they are doing, and to tell them you’re doing well too. Be totally honest with them, this is life and death.
Second, understand that you’re going to have some unexpectedly bad days… but they are going to be further apart. Shrug them off, laugh your way through them, call your quit buddies… whatever it takes to get through them without smoking. Some battles will be easy, some will be hard. Come here and post, send qmail, exercise, learn to cook, take up a new hobby. Whatever it takes, keep going to bed a WINNER each night.
Third, ask some of the older qsters to keep an eye on you… to contact you to see how you’re doing. I have been asked to do that for several of you recently and I am happy to do that, as I am sure that others are too. We know that you just need to hold on a little bit longer and change your focus just a little to make that breakthrough. And then you will OWN your quit, and it will be a very comfortable thing.
Last, take a deep and honest look at your past life… your life as a smoker and compare it to what your life is like now… and what it will be like in the future. You have to develop that vision of your future, of the person that you are going to BECOME now that you have freed yourself. You have to believe in yourself. You have to love yourself enough to deny yourself your addiction.
No Man’s Land doesn’t have to be so lonely and scary and dangerous. You need some company and some courage and some faith in yourself. And when you emerge from it, you will not be the same person that entered it.
Never never never question your decision to quit! This is the most loving thing that you will ever do for yourself. A few days of discomfort in exchange for a lifetime of freedom. You will never find another deal like it.
Protect your quit. Don’t smoke, no matter what.
peace, Ron
That was a very, very beautiful read, amigo. Thank you so much for posting that. Day 3 for me everyone! If I can be drink free for so long I can be smoke free! Thanks again @Mno
Thanks for sharing that, it was useful to read.
Thanks Menno. While it isn’t exactly what I was looking for, it is very helpful.
I suppose because I went 18 months + and then gave in, I’ve got that thing in the back of my mind that I might go back to smoking. So I am in no mans land! And I need to do that work again to become a non-smoker.
Something that is difficult for me to tap into is the idea that smoking cost me things like confidence, emotions etc. Feeling like shit is part of what caused me to relapse last time. At least this time I know that smoking doesn’t solve depression though. So there’s that!
I also save money and don’t have to structure my day around when I can smoke next. That is a freedom that I appreciate and don’t want to sacrifice.
20 days smoke free. Cravings aren’t there but I do feel like there is something I want. I’ve been able to busy myself through it or eat a carrot, pretzel or candy. I’m relieved I don’t have to worry about having a smoke every 30 minutes. It’s a time waster and I’m starting to see how much my day revolved around it.
I’m on Day 6 of no smoking. I have 1 more patch for tomorrow and then from there, it’s Nicotine free completely. Today I can go back to running and rucking. I was put on restriction because of Covid (Close Contact precaution) 2 weeks ago but I’ve been doing pushups and situps every day and changed how I ate and everything. I turned a Negative into a Positive because it’s within MY Control.
Great achievement six days @CNevarezN 
wish you all the best with zero nicotine. I’m on 3 weeks now and as I mentioned earlier quitting coffee seems to be my trouble number 1 right now. Can’t say I haven’t had cravings for smokes, especially if I see someone puffing, but thank god it’s mild and passes away quickly. Living without coffee would deserve its own grumpy asshole thread…
I’ve been going on 5 days with out the aid of nicotine patches and a pill that makes the cig taste bad. I’ve been having these TITANIC urges to smoke. Every time these urges come over me, I’m reminded about Cancer, etc. I think I’m putting the Cig on the Pedestal and I have to just stop thinking about it.
Congrats on 5 days! Stay strong. You don’t need that poison anymore. One day those cravings are history
I’m almost 30 days no cigs. I still think I want one sometimes but I can quickly come to my senses. Remember they are a waste of time money and health. They were designed to trap you for life and getting rich off your health. F@#k those cigarettes.
28 days in. Some cravings but not too bad to cope with. 9 days without coffee, still sucks. I just figured that smoking and morning coffee both have been “my moments” and I will have to create new rituals to replace them. Way to go Emily @Blake11 ! Aren’t we bad ass grumpy ladies
I didn’t quit coffee when I stopped smoking, but I did start taking it straight black, no sugar.
We are so badass @Fireweed! I still may want a smoke but the best thing is I don’t need one. I’m not scurrying around having one after every mundane task! It doesn’t run me anymore!
That’s savvy 
Sugar is another story
I’m so glad to hear this. Reminds me of when I drank, I had to have a glass of wine before, after and while every task! Why not a bottle…
The Dragon is Still Hibernating
From MutinyFever on 1/14/2009 8:08:21 PM
Long, long ago, in a lifetime far, far away, I smoked just one. Bitter tears I shed when I realized the dragon Addiction still had a lair in my heart. I had thought him dead, after seven winters of starvation. Just one cigarette fortified him and he drew strength. With each puff he felt his claws, yawned his mouth, breathed his fire. The cinders that were his eyes began to smolder, and then he SEIZED ME.
After relapsing on my seven year quit, it took me two years to get quit again. I tried and tried to find the strength to quit again. A dozen tries in those two years. A dozen agonies ending in hours. I tried. I failed. Just one, I’d thought. I mock my own arrogance. So does the dragon.
I was healthy before the relapse, getting a cold every 3 years or so. In the two years of the relapse I had at least a dozen colds, and I developed a persistent cough. Hiking became a problem. I became more sedentary in general. I lost weight and muscle tone. I gave up my yoga practice, which I had been faithful in performing for 5 years. I grew more depressed, and had less in the way of coping mechanisms to relieve that depression.
The dragon loved it. Just one and my sense of self was crushed under his dictatorship. Death was to be my tribute to the dragon’s rulership. At last, though, I’ve reached deep within to find love. Love for myself, my wife, my family, my life. That love sustained me while the dragon roared. I have quit again.
Today is the two thousandth day of my quit. I wrote this long ago, but the dragon still is not dead. He is starving and weak again, but still he watches, still he waits. Just one, he whispers painfully with a long blackened tongue, his voice cracking, shuddering. Just one and I will have you again.
I’ve learned my lesson.
Michael 2293
Thank you for this Menon.
I hadn’t realized that my timer clicked past two years the other day…that part is great…but reading this definitely reminds me to stay vigilant and to stay aware. All it takes is one.
Thank you Menno. The dragon(s) still lie(s) there, no doubt 
dragon likes emotional rollercoaster, all kinds of imbalances, insecurity, chaos, fear… The importance of self care routines and peer support cannot be emphasized too much. Congrats on two years @ELY83! That’s huge 
