Guérir - Heal

[mxelle]

Bonjour, Hi,

I’m Mel and I’m an addict. These words are full of understanding and acceptance is in progress, and this is my journal. I have been on this forum since 2018, but I have come and gone.

I also wish to introduce who am I, in broader terms. My ancestry is French (from Normandy, where Joan of Arc was executed in 1431), Irish-Welsh, and currently living on unceded Indigenous territory on Turtle Island. I don’t talk about my immediate family because they are too precious for me, but I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter to living parents.

The addiction that has gripped me is generational, also just is. For more than 30 years, I’ve worked in the grassroots, and the community sector, mainly in management positions. Since 2017, I’m self-employed working as a professional facilitator and community organizer. Over the last year, I’ve been actively protesting and involving myself in mutual aid type work. I’m a finely aged feminist who doesn’t negotiate values of social justice. Currently, I’m obtaining a certification to accompany individuals, groups in death, and death related processes.

I wondered if a journal was right, and who knows, I do as I please, I do what I need. I come and I go. I figured however, that in the grips of addiction, I needed to put the pieces together. I also want to practice again, in many ways, being seen. My addiction is intimately tied to wanting to hide, but how can I hide when I feel that my whole life has prepared me to deal with the challenges of today. I need to help myself heal, move forward, unstuck myself because it’s time.

How do I like feedback: Direct, Factual, and Honest. I ask the community to help me with perspective.

Merci.

Mélanie

Sobriety
Alcohol : July 28, 2018
Weed: November 10, 2024

[Matt]

Hi Mel, thanks for sharing, and I respect your principled position as always: you work to hold yourself to the same principles as you work to hold the world, and that takes honesty and integrity, which I admire.

I look forward to reading this coat-of-many-colours, this journal-garment which will

@mxelle

put the pieces together

in your evolving story.

Dolly Parton - Coat Of Many Colors

[mxelle]

@Matt là, tu me fais brailler déjà. What a beautiful song. Dolly

Please help me sew, I need your perspective.

[Matt]

Of course. Et c’est en Braille que le sens se débrouille quelquefois - sorry, corny joke (I like corny sometimes) - donc le fait que tu brailles est un signe de progrès

I like the picture in your original post. Is it a white raven? (cool symbolism!) In any case it is an uplifting place to start.

[mxelle]

hahaha, un jeu de mots brillant!

The raven in the picture is albino, because it has red eyes, and white ravens have blue eyes. Ravens are a symbolism of grand-father. There are many symbolic meanings to the raven, for me, they have represented connection, sacred purpose, destiny. I look to this animal when I want to feel protection and also when I want to communicate and connect.

You can find white raven’s on Vancouver Island : Untitled

[JazzyS]

Hello Mel
Such a pleasure to read this. I am hopeful that this journal will help in your journey.

Our addiction really does want to keep us isolated and hidden. It is a great space for it to fester and grow.

You are surrounded by people who love and support you (in real life and here). I look forward to reading your thread and providing you with whatever support you may need to help you stack up the days.

Use this as your personal accountability and post here if you start craving. ODAAT

[Matt]

That’s cool! I had no idea about the white ravens on Vancouver Island. I’ll keep an eye out for them if and when I get back out there

@mxelle

connection, sacred purpose, destiny

Makes sense. It sounds like Raven has played a significant role in your life. I first learned about some of the symbolic meanings ravens hold when I took a course on First Nations Literatures in my undergrad. They are remarkable beings, both physically - they are large and have a commanding presence - and culturally.

[mxelle]

Thank you for being responsive. Never underestimate your incredibly compassionate presence.

When and if I crave, I will reach out in many different ways. I see this space as a processing space, and will do so when craving as well.

[mxelle]

Two topics on my mind: mindset and body+mind connection.

I’ll begin with mindset.

Sobriety from alcohol taught me that qualities and abilities are not fixed traits, but they can grow, be developed. The two most important growth capacities I focused on, not so much intentionally but out of survival, was tolerance for difficulty and patience. Recovering from drinking required I tolerate distress when life felt difficult, and I had to be patient, to let many emotions and mostly anger exist and pass. I was in therapy for 10 years, and increased my visits when I was in my 2nd year of sobriety, since I had hit the void of grief. The anger was hiding sadness, deep sadness. I also went through physical distress, experiencing painful physical problems, and was able to apply tolerance and patience here too. The gift of pain is the base level pain can bring you too, where you look up at the ceiling and marvel at the power of God, and the gift of being alive. To gratitude.

Another place a ‘‘growth mindset’’ brought me to was how resistant I was to change. In a way, drinking was used to cope and so were its accompanying behaviours, anger, rage, distrust, commandingness, and seeking instant gratification. I had developed such a fixed identity, one I thought was helping me survive. Changing this identity felt scary, impossible, a betrayal even. Until I slowly began to realize that I lacked integrity. Also, the physical problems pushed my identity beyond new borders, I saw life and myself differently. I saw how much I was hiding from myself, masking to others.

I believe I went back into addiction for similar reasons, but at the same time, the growth is different. I’m ready to work on self-neglect and avoidances. I believe these two are the areas of growth, and if I focus on them, I can help my sobriety from weed.

Examples of my self-neglect, leading to use, :

• Not reflecting upon the source of my unhappiness or loneliness
• Believing I have no time for my physical appearance
• Not addressing physical pain or finding remedy
• Not engaging in talents or hobbies I’m good at
• Focusing on the feelings and needs of others
• Settling for a stagnating work situation, low work opportunities (to some extent here, I could be growing and expanding. I’m good at what I do, but I do not put this forward)

[Tragicfarinelli]

Hey. When I was in Wales one time, I stumbled across a strange creature and couldn’t believe my actual eyes……

These were the best pictures I could get as I just couldn’t get close…it was down a cliff top and a bit wary of me. This was Symonds Yat in Wales. Nice that you have some Welsh ancestry also

[mxelle]

Oh WOW. What a cutie pie.

Celtic war goddesses often took the form of a raven

xo

[Matt]

@mxelle

The gift of pain is the base level pain can bring you too, where you look up at the ceiling and marvel at the power of God, and the gift of being alive. To gratitude.

Pain is a starting point. What an empowering image Is it easy? No. But it is a place to start.

@mxelle

I had developed such a fixed identity, one I thought was helping me survive. Changing this identity felt scary, impossible, a betrayal even.

It sounds almost like there are two Mélanies here, the one a winged bird (seeking flight and perspective), the other a weary warrior (whose fixed self-concept is a small castle she lives in, where she is under siege). These two identities move in different ways through you and your life and your emotions, alternating themselves as the dominant voice, from day to day and from situation to situation.

[tailee17]

Albino Raven? Wow internet says very rare!!! You must have magical powers to achieve such a sighting.

[JazzyS]

@mxelle

I believe these two are the areas of growth, and if I focus on them, I can help my sobriety from weed.

I do love that you have listed the areas that you feel like you’ve neglected yourself and given them a face so to speak. I look forward to hearing how you go about giving yourself more self care in these areas. It will most definitely not be easy or come naturally but will be rewarding.

I agree that we all have areas of growth and change in our sober journeys and its funny how when I quit smoking I thought wow, ok - im dealing with a,b,c and that’s great. I’ve really grown! But then I really wasn’t prepared for how much more I had to change / grow from until I quit my other vices. I am still finding areas that need attention and I don’t think I would have been able to tackle most of these if I had not been sober.

The sobriety journey is not an easy road and its so much more than just getting and staying sober.

[mxelle]

@Matt

the one a winged bird (seeking flight and perspective), the other a weary warrior (whose fixed self-concept is a small castle she lives in, where she is under siege).

Mrs. Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly
She packed her suitcase and kissed her kid goodbye
She waited her whole damned life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down
She thought, Well, isn’t this nice?

---

when i feel ‘‘bad’’, anxious, I get to a state of helplessness almost every time. The degree varies, but weed came in to dull the feeling of being helpless. It’s a frightening, claustrophobic feeling, I can’t escape, I’m possessed and the only out feels like to dull the feeling with substance, the ‘‘easy’’ way out. There is a duality within my personality, where I’m known to be the silent force, or the anchor, and I know how these traits have been developed, but there is another truth, where this exists as a defense mechanism, and not as a real authentic stable pole. I ping pong from stability to complete desperate feelings of fear. Generally, what feelings of despair look like on the outside are irritability, commandingness, authority, anger. Because I have such repulsive behaviours, I don’t allow for comfort, or for others to help me. Mostly, I cannot help myself.

Thinking about the feeling of distress, makes me feel distressed too. There is a double edged sword effect, where when I confront such feelings, I quickly stop because of how painful it is to do so. And thus, the cycle continues. A remedy to this is generally to allow myself time to gather myself alone, which I’ve learned to ask for, to put a boundary with, and I engage in reflection which calms my storm. Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel the scary and I quickly feel like a child, with no ability to fend for myself.

I’m not at the solution stage, because I have to figure this out, and I also know there is a relationship with this feeling to self-neglect. When I feel helpless, I want everything to stand still, to do nothing about the thing, to close in, and if this is disturbed or threatened, to attack, worsening my state. I can say over the years I’ve improved a few coping skills making it easier to travers, such as connecting to self, but also regulating emotion. I don’t react the same, with anger, but the feeling of distress remains.

[Tragicfarinelli]

@mxelle

There is a duality within my personality, where I’m known to be the silent force, or the anchor, and I know how these traits have been developed, but there is another truth, where this exists as a defense mechanism, and not as a real authentic stable pole. I ping pong from stability to complete desperate feelings of fear.

Resonate. I heard this so ultra hard. Such a fantastic way to describe that duality. Thank you, you helped me feel and name something that I was struggling with as well.

[mxelle]

thank you for noticing me, for being in parallel to me and my process. I feel safer because of it.

[mxelle]

I came here to write, and had a hard time. Many negative messages circled in my mind : what a selfish thing, self-centered, egoist of you to be like, me me me me me me me me me me me me me.

For the sake of sobriety, I’m calming the voices and telling myself to commit.

There are times where I went low, deep into a depression, but this was right before a significant personal shift, and I wonder if this is yet again, a turning point. And I use because I feel the low hum of change coming.

The signs are telling, the patterns are emerging clearly.

Using what the firefighter that extinguished the exiled part of myself in pain, suffering from fear. I believe I’m ready to thank the firefighter for having protected me in the best way they knew how, but time to do different. (reference IFS, Internal Family System theory). I’m learning to let the firefighter be heard, what is it protecting, what is the exiled part afraid of, I’m trying to be a compassionate observer to my Self. I’m releasing them from the extreme roles they have played, I’m offering gratitude for their services in keeping me alive.

Also, the exiled part of myself is the one who took the responsibility others did not want to take, the manager tries to solve the problems of others so I’m safe. The firefighter comes in by using to release the feelings of loneliness, boredom, feelings of disconnect. Such a dynamic is disconnecting, isolating, brings immense shame.

What are they afraid will happen without their presence in your life? (manager or firefighter). Well, death, isolation, suffocation from others suffering.

What is the pattern? Opening myself up to the problem of other, taking responsibility in what they are avoiding, avoiding my needs, avoiding the red flag of this responsibility, shame in not being to offer anything else (distortion).

[Tragicfarinelli]

@mxelle

Using what the firefighter that extinguished the exiled part of myself in pain, suffering from fear. I believe I’m ready to thank the firefighter for having protected me in the best way they knew how, but time to do different. (reference IFS, Internal Family System theory). I’m learning to let the firefighter be heard, what is it protecting, what is the exiled part afraid of, I’m trying to be a compassionate observer to my Self. I’m releasing them from the extreme roles they have played, I’m offering gratitude for their services in keeping me alive.

Also, the exiled part of myself is the one who took the responsibility others did not want to take, the manager tries to solve the problems of others so I’m safe. The firefighter comes in by using to release the feelings of loneliness, boredom, feelings of disconnect. Such a dynamic is disconnecting, isolating, brings immense shame.

What are they afraid will happen without their presence in your life? (manager or firefighter). Well, death, isolation, suffocation from others suffering.

I love IFS. I wonder if indeed you have several firefighters/managers running concurrently. When I identified my masks I found at least five or six. Mostly all of them were there to protect me from being hurt, shamed, isolated, being embarrassed, getting too close again to anyone, repeating past mistakes, allowing anyone else to decieve me… The list went on.

Using for me was just an accelerator for burning the exiled parts/feelings into submission.

I must say I found IFS very accessible and graspable though.

[mxelle]

@Tragicfarinelli

into submission

hum… interesting. to silence them.

if you don’t mind, can you give me an example of the trio at play? If not, it’s ok.