This morning when I woke up, there was no pot. My boyfriend wouldn’t be home until after I’d left for work. So no pot to help me “handle” the day. I’ve been on antabuse about a week now but have still taken 1-2 drink a day and then suffered some pretty knarly side effects like turning splotchy red, red eyes, heart palpatauins, and shortness of breath. Being on this antabuse was my last straw before rehab…and its clearly STILL not enough of a deterrant for me to stop. Because there was no weed, I talked myself into stopping at the diner for “early lunch” before work. I specifically brought Listerine and benadryl so I could be ok for work.
Well I drank 2 tall rum and cokes (strong here) and before I left that restaurant I somehow broke down enough to drive to work, go to my boss, all splotchy, and tell her the fucking truth. I was bawling trying to explain to my wonderful, kind, hard working employer that I have the shameful disease of alcoholism. I’m not even 100% sure she really understood (She’s Chinese). But I told them I had to go to rehab. I told her I understand they can’t hold my job but that I’d keep in touch and come see them as soon as I get out of rehab. I told her it could be anywhere from 14-30 days. She could smell the alcohol on me and I just looked like a fat pathetic blubbering drunk. Based on my behavior lately, I do not deserve that job, but it is in Gods hands as I have finally accepted that I am powerless. 100% powerless over alcohol. I may lose that job, I may lose this fancy place, I may lose my boyfriend. But if I don’t get to rehab as soon as possible I’m either gonna lose my mind or my life.
So I’m hoping to be admitted sometime next week. I’m really stressed about outside factors like bills, and me and toms relationship but I have set personal goals that I HAVE to work toward. If i dont put 100% into this recovery its completely pointless.
I did message Tom that when I get out of rehab I didn’t so much as want to see an ashtray. I told him basically that unless he can give up smoking pot and doing drugs completely and ONLY having a drink or two out at friends not in font of me, that I couldn’t live with him. I actually need ALL the triggers and even discussions about purchasing pills behind my back or the constant smell of pot I just want it all gone. A sober house.
So I’ll probably update everyone when I’m going. I really pray I can stay humble and surrender all my wants and wills and desires through all of this and finally start living a happy, fulfilling life. Thanks for listening.
Thank you for sharing @Ash thats damn good job in it all . U sat your point. I do wish u good luck , be honest in rehab.its going to be tough but i do recomanded it i was in rehab for 5 months . If i can do it so can you. Willingness is the Key. Fingers crossed
Just got back from rehab. I had to put my 8 year old son and my husband on the backburner. I had to change my life or I would either die or hurt someone. It is mentally and physically exhausting. I commend ypu. Go out there and take your life back. You won’t regret it. You are already strong and have taken the hardest steps. I will pray for you. Have faith.
Taking that first step into realizing you need to go to rehab, and then deciding to go is huge! That’s a feat in itself!
So awesome your going, I will say this though. For me, it was nerve racking actually going to rehab. If anxiety and fear wash over you, like happened to me.,just do the best you can to relax. Once you get in and get settled, it’s no big deal.
Stay strong! Congratulations on your decision!
Wishing you well ash, take it easy and be kind to yourself, stay strong xxx
It’s amazing you gave your boyfriend an ultimatum. I have seen people lie to themselves and think theyg can remain with a significant other that is still using. Kudos to you!! The person you find sober will be completely different than the person you are with now. Sobriety has a way of makiing you respect yourself.
I wish you the best and thank you for the inspiring post!
Goodluck Hun! You have a long road ahead like me, I might be going to rehab too. Just put you first, it’s seems like you are now. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You can do this! There is light at the end of the tunnel.
That’s awesome pal!! Like you said, it’s in Gods hands now. Give it all to Him. Go to rehab and do rehab. Whatever that takes, do it. Whatever they want you to do, do it. 
Whoopsi! I really need to pay more attention to post dates. Lol. I hope everything worked out ash:)
How are you holding up ?
Thank you for sharing. Gotta do whatever will save your life. Without that, you won’t have any of that other stuff anyway.
Best to you!
And journey one day at a time+
Congrats to you! That sounds awesome that you are putting yourself FIRST. I feel like we often get so wrapped up in everything else around us, relationships a big one, that we forget about ourselves. And if we lose ourself, then we will surely lose everything else around us. Good for you for doing this for YOU. And knowing what you need when you come home. Stay strong!