I have been in and out of rehab for the last 15 years of my life. For the life of me, I could NOT get sober. I was convinced I was the “constitutionally incable of being honest with themselves” type. Turns out I was. What most would characterize as HORRIFIC bottom after bottom, I STILL could not get sober. Death scared me but not enough. I kept going. I had given up on myself and decided I would “go on to the bitter end.” Bitter it was. I asked myself, “what’s wrong with you? The things you’ve experienced make most people want to get sober. Why can’t you?” I’ve been to rehab seventeen times and I’m only 32 years old. Of those seventeen rehabs, only one was on MY accord. Family, jobs, courts have all sent me to treatment with little success. I could string together a couple of months here and there, but I always went back out. Why? Because hard feelings were so intolerable to me. I ran back to the only thing I knew that “worked” and that was drugs, alcohol, sex, self-harm, overeating, you name it. My addiction was the act of running away from my problems. TW: I am a survivor of childhood abuse, sexual abuse, and continued abuse into adulthood. My PTSD and anxiety were crippling. Thus, I numbed. I kept wondering, what would it take to get me sober? I wasn’t sure there were many more “bottoms” left on the list except death and I was apathetic to that as well. I had come to accept that addiction would kill me, in one way or another, unsure of how quickly it would take me but certain that it would. Until one day I stopped. Not because some traumatic or let’s face it, theatrically horrible thing happened to me. Yes, those things did happen but they were NOT what got me sober. What got me sober was the culmination and buildup of deep-seeded misery pushing me to the brink. I wanted to actively die but I also actively did not want to die. Quite the paradox. I knew I could no longer tolerate my existence. Feelings be damned, now my existence IN addiction was intolerable. Shit. So it really became quite simple, albeit the most difficult decision of my life – I surrendered. I admitted defeat. Addiction won. It had been winning but I had tricked myself into believing it wasn’t. And when I finally did admit this, the weight that lifted off my chest was unbelievable. I didn’t have to pretend anymore. I didn’t have to pretend that running from my problems was helping and it felt good to LOSE. Because in losing to addiction and being honest that it beat me, I began to WIN. I went to rehab for the 17th and last time and because I had nothing to lose, I had a readiness and willingness to stop fighting, I embrace it recovery. Since that day that I surrendered, I win each and every day now. I have a deep and profound spiritual life, I am so intricately connected to my Higher Power who, has always been and continues to, keep me alive. But Im not just merely alive, I am LIVING. I can tolerate sadness, fear, anger, uncertainty because I know that even when I’m not okay, I’m okay. I am never alone because I have the love, acceptance, and protection from my Higher Power. The idea of solitude used to terrorize me; now, I welcome it. I face my problems head on and I work through my hardships, my PTSD, and my self-will. And you know what’s most miraculous of it all? I have no desire to use, drink, and yep, numb. I acknowledge and honor my uncomfortable feelings, give them the time and space necessary to process, and move forward and beyond. Something I’ve learned in life is this: every moment is temporary and so are the hard ones. All the more reason to treasure the good ones. My life is not perfect, (in fact it’s a little chaotic at times), and I still have so much more to learn and to grow, but I wouldn’t trade this life in sobriety for even the “best” manufactured moments of happiness I thought running from my problems with addiction was doing. It’s like I got a software update, got the cheat codes to the video game, and levelled up. It’s a world full of things I could never have even dreamed of: it’s better.
Good for you @sacritspice and welcome to Talking Sober!
It sounds like you’ve found a recovery rhythm that is really working for you. That is a wonderful thing to see 
I’m happy for you.
Great to see you here and looking forward to hearing more about your journey!
Wow, what a great story! Welcome to TS! I also rely on Higher Power and that has helped me tremendously. Looking forward to read about your sober path! Congrats on your sobriety!
Congratulations! Really great that you found your way. Keep going and never give up
Hi and welcome here,
Such an inspirational story. Just goes to show that we should never give up, just got to keep going. I’m so pleased for you 
Happy for you!! 
And also happy for us that you have joined us because you can be an inspiration for many.
Keep doing what you are doing because it’s working 
And thank you for sharing 
Omgosh thank you so much for all your kind words! It was truly a wonderful thing to wake up to 
I’m glad sharing my experience, strength, and hope was inspiring and can help even just one other sober person to not give up. I appreciate you all so much!
Well done keep us posted on your journey