Today is my 7 year anniversary. We were supposed to have plans with family members (a small group of 4) but instead I’m in bed hiding from my shame. I got trashed Saturday night and blacked out. I’m too embarrassed to face anyone so I’ve come down with a “cold”. I even made the hubby go get me nyquil so I can sleep and run from my feelings.
He says when I feel better he’ll take me out for a nice dinner. I feel like such a loser. I can’t believe what a mess I am. Here he is making me dinner and tending to me because my shame and guilt consumes me.
Yesterday during the hangover the suicide thoughts came as usual when I’m in such a state as regret and fear. The fear is the worst. Crying and a broken mess in the shower where no one can hear or see. Pleading to my God to forgive me for being a rotten Christian woman. You guys, I need to lean on not only my faith in Jesus but on you all for strength. You understand me. You’ve been there.
I need to make new friends, sober ones but I’m so busy I never have time for myself. It makes drinking easy because I can do it at home.
A few years ago hiking saved my life. I came out of rehab for overdosing on pills while drinking. It was intentional. I didn’t want to die, I only wanted the pain to stop.
I can’t relive that again. I want to hike again. I need to hike again. I’m a person that believes in the power of prayer. Prayer does work, I’m the idiot that walks away from it.
Thank you for listening.
You need to make friends.
With yourself. You need to be a friend to yourself, get to know yourself, deeply, truly, past the walls you’ve erected.
Addiction is escape - it’s disconnection, alienation. We are running from a life we don’t understand.
You can reconnect with yourself; you can rediscover yourself. It starts with being honest and opening up, to people who can help you walk the sober path.
Can you join a recovery program? There are many online:
Online meeting resources
I do feel for you Bibi. Everything you say there sounds like someone who is desperate.
Have you thought about being completely honest with your husband. He can be your biggest support in all this.
There are so many resources out there.
You owe it to yourself to sort yourself out. Remember alcohol is a depressant. Hence the feeling shit!I
Once you stop drinking and start believing you can be a better person to will feel so much better about yourself.
Thank you Matt. You’re right. I need self reflection and honesty about who I am and who I intend to be. I will look into online programs.
I’ve been honest with him but it will take me to break the cycle bcos he’s already told me he has no intention of stopping his beer drinking.
Well it doesn’t matter what he does does it?
You do realise that you are allowed to make a choice.
You are choosing to not drink. People do everyday. People who don’t have a problem, or at least think they don’t!
There are hundreds of thousands plus, of people who have never had an alcoholic drink. They don’t care!
At the moment you are feeling raw and nervous and scared and ashamed.
That is normal.
It takes time to get used to the idea that there is something “wrong” with us.
Especially something that has become so rooted in not only societies but our own, personal phyche!
The one person you rely on has said he’s still going to drink, so what.
You’re not asking him to give up.
Make sure you tell him this but also let him know that you would like his support.
Then set about getting a plan together, there is loads of info in here, as I’m sure you are aware, I saw you looking at old threads. The plan should cover everything you plan to do to stay sober. Stick to it, ridgedly!
At first it’s going to need a lot more than just saying no to a drink.
It’s going to probably be the hardest thing you have had to do. Because ultimately you are going to have to say no to yourself! Believe me, that’s fooking hard, but achievable.
You do have it in you, we all do. We just have to find it, and sometimes it means several attempts until we realise how deep we need to go for the strength, courage and wisdom.
My biggest piece of advice?
Open mind and get a copy of the Big Book by AA.
Read it, keep reading it, with an open mind. There is so much information in there as well.
Saying no to myself…absolutely! I hear that loud and clear. Good advice and I sincerely appreciate your honesty. I’m taking it to heart, thank you.
Nice one! I think a lot of us forget that we are not actually doing anything wrong. When we are surrounded by it all the time it’s often left to us to feel outcast, doing something wrong.
We just need to be strong.