You need to make friends.
With yourself. You need to be a friend to yourself, get to know yourself, deeply, truly, past the walls you’ve erected.
Addiction is escape - it’s disconnection, alienation. We are running from a life we don’t understand.
You can reconnect with yourself; you can rediscover yourself. It starts with being honest and opening up, to people who can help you walk the sober path.
Can you join a recovery program? There are many online:
Online meeting resources