I would like some help. It’s a hard situation for me to explain. I’m worried I’m going to kill myself by accident by the volume of alcohol I drink at once. I don’t want to kill myself but I have the issue of all or nothing.
I can go a week and not drink at all but once I do I just drink to blackout.
Of late I’ve been drinking 3 bottles of wine in a matter of hours. After one bottle I don’t actually remember much more, although my friends and husband just say I act silly. I’m not bad or nasty. I don’t think anyone sees it as a problem because I have built a great life. I have kids and I’m an amazing mum and amazing partner. I know because I am a perfectionist at life, I know that sounds so pretentious but I have worked hard for my life.
I feel like an actor in my own life. I can give love so easily but I can’t accept it. I believe I’m on my own,it’s me for me and nobody will be there for me, nobody cares etc etc, but I also know that’s not true. But I live my life as though that’s a fact.
I drink to blackout because I get to escape these thoughts. It’s my comfort to ‘vanish’ for a while. But I’m worried I’m going to actually die because I’m drinking too much at once.
I don’t even know how to fix this. I know it’s easy to say don’t drink again but it’s like my therapy. Even though it’s destructive.
I have built this life and cemented it. My kids are absolutely loved and have the childhood I wish I had. I don’t know how to open up because I downplay my feelings so writing this is difficult. I am lonely but surrounded by people. I feel unloved but I’m loved. I can give everyone else so much love but I can’t accept it.
I have even convinced myself that in time my kids will eventually unlove me and I’ll have to prepare myself for this inevitable pain. But nobody knows how I feel. I’m worried if I expel my feelings at this point in life people won’t understand, they’ll think it’s not that bad, they’ll leave, I’ll lose my life I’ve made. Ugh. I want to just sincerely enjoy life and not feel like I’m acting and not kill myself by alcohol poisoning and then ruin my family life.
Hi and welcome to the forum! I can tell you the situation and feelings/thoughts you are experiencing have been shared by many others on this forum. You are not alone on this. I have worked with a therapist on all you have described, and that is what I would recommend. Be honest about the alcohol usage. I too have kids, home, job, “good” life, but all of that can quickly be gone with alcohol abuse. In order to heal all of these feelings and thoughts, you need to ditch alcohol completely. Until alcohol was gone completely from my life, I couldn’t tackle the other issues fully. Glad you checked in with us!
Try a meeting might help wish you well
So I’m going to say something else which may sound easy: find yourself another form of therapy. Could be psychotherapy, could be peer to peer addicts support, could be sports, could be a hobby of some sorts, could be something else, could be a combination. Most logical to me seems you need people to talk to and to support yourself and each other.
And I echo Leehawk’s thoughts too. Alcohol is never the solution, it’s like a black hole that gets deeper the longer and the more we drink. It’s only a temporaly escape. In the longer run it makes our problems worse.
I’m glad you’re here. Tells me you want to quit your current pattern. Together we can do this. Alone it’s too much. Welcome Cocorella.
Thanks for acknowledging my post. I don’t even know how to say things out loud what I feel. I have played this role for so long I feel I am two different people. The me for the world and the secret me. I’m worried if it came out I might lose myself because it would just be too painful I even have tears in my eyes at the thought. And I know what I’m like, I’ll stop my tears and focus. So now I have stopped them. I’m afraid to lose control yet I am losing control. I have so many hobbies, I show up all the time, I volunteer at everything.
I don’t even feel like I need answers to the past. I know why I am this way. I’ve studied psychology just to understand why my brain is this way. I’ve read every single book I can imagine on abuse, relationships, abandonment, trauma, cptsd etc etc I’m well informed about myself but I have made myself two people.
I even know why I have done this, but I don’t know how to undo it. I feel like an imposter in my own life. I’m going to see if I can do something, but I’m worried something bad will happen people will see me as weak, I will be judged, I will lose my credibility, I will be seen as flawed. But I know I must do something incase I die by accident then ruin it for everyone.
Perfectionism and anxiety are heavy burdens. Alcohol will definitely increase anxiety, there is evidence to prove it, but I think there is a link to perfectionism too. Since quitting drinking, I have become much more accepting of my imperfections. A book by Brene Brown ‘The gifts of imperfections’ was illuminating.
That’s because you are. I’m too. We all are. I’m a mental health RN and I have been in therapy for over a year now. I know something about psychology too. And yes as to how worried I am something bad is going to happen, people judging me etc. I lived a triple life at least. Finally I’m integrating these different pieces of me into one. Thanks to therapy and thanks to being sober. Slow tedious hard work. One day at a time. But SO worth it.
My oldest daughter lived a life exactly like yours before she quit drinking. She has a good husband, wonderful children, a beautiful home and garden, and she volunteers for everything she can at school. She is loved and needed, but while drinking all she could see was the “needed” part of it. She felt that she had to keep herself perfect, keep her home perfect, keep her family’s lives perfect, and you just can’t do that. Life is imperfect and so are we, and she too drank 3-4 bottles of wine every evening to cope with that. 1-1/2 years ago, she woke up on the couch with an awful hangover, and she snapped to the reality of her life. She’s been sober since then. Stopping drinking was her first step and it’s never easy. Once sober, she had to deal and make sense of all the emotions flooding her. She also read everything she could about alcoholism and how our brains simply don’t function properly while over drinking. She read all could get her hands on about the psychology behind her issues of perfectionism and giving but never realizing that she was also receiving. Being sober and educating herself has lead to therapy, which has brought her a clearer understanding of why she drank in the first place, and she’s better able to talk about her feelings. Before quitting alcohol, she believed she didn’t have a right to her feelings, a right to be heard, and so never shared them with anyone. She drank so much to just make them go away. So… first things first, you have to make a commitment to stop drinking. Do it for you and baby your sobriety each and every day. Come here and tell us how you’re feeling, what you’re going through. It may be hard at first, but you will definitely feel more free to heal when you let all of it out. I’m happy you’re here. The people in this community are kind and supportive and understanding, because we know what you’re going through. Please never hesitate to share your feelings. I’m sending you strength and love. I believe you can do this. 
Your story sounds very similar to mine. Perfectionism is hard, I know, I lived with it for a long time. I am glad you are reaching out and writing stuff out. Maybe more journaling would be helpful in just releasing some of the pressure you obviously have. I also have a degree in Psychology, Transpersonal Psychology, so I ‘get’ that we can ‘know’ a lot of information and tools and still find ourselves right here in the big mess of substance abuse. I was also a binge drinker and into wine at the end of my drinking career and the blackouts were rampant. Killing brain cells is not a pleasant way to spend our evenings, that I know for sure.
The drinking life is so hard on us mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. And whether it seems it or not, also on our families. I know for myself, I wanted all those same things you do…a happy healthy whole life…but I also wanted to keep alcohol in my life…mostly because I didn’t have any frame of reference without it and my life seemed to revolve around it and I thought that I was getting ‘relief’ when I drank. I honestly did not understand that drinking was causing the anxiety, depression, dark thoughts, etc. It was killing me, starting with my self esteem and self confidence and going from there.
There really truly is a beautiful life awaiting us once we lay down the bottle and get real with ourselves about our substance abuse. It is like night and day. A whole new world out there and more importantly inside…that we can access once we let go of the crutch we clutch so deeply.
Your pain is real and yes, you can change your path and come into your true self. There is no shame in owning up to our substance abuse issues and working to make ourselves healthier and whole. In fact, I believe there is pride in being honest and letting our family and friends know that we are struggling and need to make changes. Many people hide these truths from themselves and others…but there are really so many people who live these same half lives of substance abuse and think it is a full happy life, while dying inside.
Therapy, being here and reading and interacting, meetings, journaling, physical activity, etc can all help to change the vicious cycle of substance abuse. I hope you stick around and work toward a healthy healing and happier life. It isn’t easy, but it is so very worth it. YOU are worth it.
Thanks so much for this incredible reply. It really hit home!!
Hello, thanks for sharing and welcome.
When I read your post, I’m reminded of the toxic shame that I’ve carried for so long in my life.
This shame tells me that I’m a worthless piece of garbage. And that no one would accept me if they really knew me.
Thus, I concluded that
If I came off as perfect, hide my flaws, be nice and polite then…
I would get my needs met, get the love that I wanted, and live in a problem free world. But that never worked.
Thank You For Sharing!
I relate with you, regarding feeling like an actor in your own life. I’ve felt like that for the past two years, just going with the flow and doing all the “right” things at the “right” time. It wasn’t until recently that I began to take the helm of my own life and begin actively working, thinking, and doing things to make myself feel like a person, with my own identity.
I’ve started by, and I know this sounds cliché, dating myself. We can’t begin to live our own lives, if we don’t know who we are. I’ve started asking myself questions like “What do I like,” “What don’t I like,” “What motivates me,” etc.
I document everything from my favorite color, to my deepest fears and insecurities, so I can really get to know myself, and begin to develop my own identity, and relinquish the “actor” mindset.
I’m so proud of you for just taking the time to write, and share your story. I hope this community helps provide the support for you to continue your journey
Sending Love, Light, and Postive Vibrations
I feel at times that i know everything there is to know about myself and i try do some soul searching or deep meditation then i realize my thoughts or my mind is always changing and i cant perfect anything as much as i may try to make certainthings right true and square or clean my over exaggeration in my ability for things to be perfect exhaust me. Maybe OCD just makes me chase my tail in circles trying to get things “right” but im learning how to kind of let some things go and not let myself hold ‘me’ back. Glad your here and are able to start processing some of these emotions and feelings, get them out in writing.