A good friend of mine is in town from out of state. I would have loved to see her but it’s too much for me today. Dealing with life has me wanting drinks. Strong drinks. Or a whole damn ass bottle of cabernet.
She posted pics of her on fb with my other good friends. They all met up last night and I didn’t hear a peep. No invite. Nada. It got to me. All the pics of them doing tequila shots and white claws and craft beers. Maybe because I don’t drink now. Maybe because it was a Thursday and I have kids. Maybe they just didn’t plain want me there.
I was invited to a more formal get together tonight with her and a few other randos that I don’t know. Which the thought already made me uncomfortable but after last night’s pics and other personal stuff going on at home and work, I’m out. Not in the mood.
Does this change? Is this just me? Am I really more of an introvert than I always thought? Was drinking always my crutch? Am I boring without it?
I’m realizing I actually have no friends. I talk to no one. I have one friend that I feel comfortable with and lately I don’t think she feels comfortable with me since I’ve quit drinking. I want friends but the thought terrifies me.
I think a lot of us are experiencing this same thing. A lot of the “friends” we develop while drinking are just drinking buddies. When you stop drinking you dont have a whole lot in common with them anymore. This is one of the barriers to sobriety. You may end up feeling lonely without them, even if that “friendship” is a toxic one.
Try to make some new friends. Lots of people dont drink.
I think its pretty normal to become introverted when getting sober. The very nature of it requires us to look inward and start focusing on ourselves and looking after ourselves so it’s definitely a good time to start asking the questions you’re asking.
“Who am I without alcohol?”
“Who are my friends?”
“What are MY interests?”
“What do I want to spend MY time doing?”
I wouldn’t say outright that your friends are ignoring you because you dont drink anymore - chances are, they feel just as uncomfortable asking you because it was probably the main activity that bonded you all.
Getting sober for me, was definitely an isolation process because all of my friends were in a different country. The ones who still contact are the ones I know are my real friends and the rest were just in it for the party.
If you do go to the formal gathering and there is an atmosphere feel free to address it. The ones who are your real friends will continue to support you and if they’re not…that’s your call but dont let any of that come between you and your sobriety.
I’m pretty sure every single relapse of mine has been FOMO. I’m alone on a Friday night knowing everyone else my age is out partying but I can’t because I black out almost every time.
You’re definitely not alone. I’ve found I have to put in all the work, and make all the effort, if I want to maintain friendships. Otherwise I hear from no one. It’s a pain, and it is irritating sometimes, but the alternative is worse. So I put in a LOT of time actively staying in touch with friends and trying to meet new people. A lot of them just don’t care, and it’s effort and time that goes nowhere. But I have also met great people. And my older relationships with people, the ones that are really my friends, are stronger now. It’s tough!!
I remember the feeling of being left out precisely and the pain, exquisitely. Sitting alone and miserable in my apartment on a Friday night while scrolling through Instagram where all of my friends seem to be partying without me. It was an awful, awful feeling.
But I was with them on enough nights to know exactly how it would go if i was with them. Like the time I went to the bathroom and came out to find that they had put the entire night out on my credit card. Or listening to the same fucking stories over and over again, just louder with each telling. Or watching two friends weepingly accuse each other of not caring as much as the other. Or me seeing random men who were WAY to familiar with me while I had no memory of them whatsoever. Or watching my friends become belligerent to the bartenders or to strangers. Watching who vomits where and when or better yet, me vomiting down a flight of stairs and then playing it off like it wasn’t me. All of it. The fun nights never started that way but they often ended that way.
And as miserable as I was early in sobriety, alone and dejected, I knew where my wallet was when I woke up. And I knew where my car was. And I knew I hadn’t sent any shitty text messages or done any one of the many humiliating things I used to drunkenly do on the regular. And I felt human in the morning and was able to get up before noon and even leave my apartment during daylight.
And I got me back. The early isolation and loneliness dissipates. My awkwardness as a sober person became less awkward for me as I became more comfortable in my own skin. And when I was more comfortable being sober, my friends became more comfortable.
At some point, I stopped feeling left out. And my real friends are still around. It just takes time.
Ok first I want to say I completely get what you are saying and if it is was me I would feel exactly the same!
But really, are you actually disappointed not to have been out with them? Sounds like a sucky kind of night. Is it possible that they were trying to be considerate? You gave two good reasons why they wouldn’t invite you, and then jumped to them not liking you.
You have been invited to something which suggests to me that she does want to see you and guesses that this will be more your speed.
If you don’t want to go because it’s all random people that you don’t know, fair enough. But if you don’t want to go because it has triggered some insecurities in you (understandably), think on it some more. Maybe have a conversation with your friend and tell her how you feel. Give her the chance for her to tell you how she feels about you - your assumptions could be spot on BUT they could be way off!
I sure can relate. I’m a bit introverted by nature. So now that I’m a mum, I especially don’t go out much, but still my work friends, normally our conversations always revolve around drinking. It’s the norm, the culture here. Like the episode of Friends with “Fun Bobby”. Who turned out to be fun cuz he was a drinker, then not so fun when sober. I’m feeling that now. But reading through thousands of posts on here, I’m hopeful that will change. Seems like I’m missing the fun, the summer drinks, the “clicks” of friends. When I say I’m not drinking, I get laughs, or comments like “WHY would you do something so silly as not drinking?” Even with my marriage. Hubby drinks daily so it’s hard. We live in a rural area and our main neighbours we socialize with always revolve around a few drinks. So everything is changing. I feel like I’m rediscovering myself. Rebranding.
Sorry I’m not giving you any solutions but I empathize. And I’m here with you, if you ever need to chat.
Yes, it does change, if you change, and you are changing. Yes, it’s you. You are growing. Maybe you are and introvert, or maybe just at a crossroads. You are looking backwards down the road you’ve traveled. Those pictures, those friends, the life you once lived. The drinking.
Now you need to turn around and face forward. You don’t know what’s up ahead. All you know is you’ve decided to be better. Sober is better.
Hernan Cortez, set out from Spain, intent on conquering an empire. The first thing he did upon arriving in the New World was to burn his ships. He didn’t want any thoughts of turning back lingering. Once burned, he turned around, and marched forward. No looking back.
I’ve burned my ships, and it has freed me to march forward and conquer my life. Maybe you need to burn yours?
I am hoping this will pass. I had quite a few friends in high school, so I know I’m capable of making them and possibly maininting them. But that was also like 15 years ago. Since then I have reunited with my best friend and I’ve used her and drinking as a crutch to open up to people. I struggled a lot in middle school with being teased and I’ve just been carrying it around with me forever and ever and ever. Can’t seem to get past it. Drinking helped though, more than I ever realized, until I quit drinking. I thought I had no friends before, I really have zero friends. I thought I was shy before, holy shit I barely talk now. God people freak me out LOL
I didn’t end up going out last night. Instead my husband and I went to dinner and took our youngest to my mom’s. We are going away overnight in two weekends and our youngest has gotten severely attached to us and doesn’t want to leave the house or leave me most days (wonder what kind of example I’m leading ) . So we thought a couple hours here and there over the next two weeks will be good for him so he doesn’t freak out completely when we leave overnight. Anyway, I don’t regret my decision to not go out with my friend last night. She drinks a lot anyway and although she’s a wonderful amazing human, I’m not losing her forever. I’ll just be sure to see her the next time she’s home.
@anon89892515 this is my problem. I don’t want to do the work. I’ve been working so hard at everything else in my life that I’m worked out. I just want friends to fall from the sky. I know I know, they won’t.
@Salty fun Bobby! I love friends. Now that I look back on that episode though dang, they put sobriety in a bad light huh. Topic change… why are all the tv shows and books have so much drinking?? I find it annoying now and distracting.
) . So we thought a couple hours here and there over the next two weeks will be good for him so he doesn’t freak out completely when we leave overnight. Anyway, I don’t regret my decision to not go out with my friend last night. She drinks a lot anyway and although she’s a wonderful amazing human, I’m not losing her forever. I’ll just be sure to see her the next time she’s home.
I’ve been working so hard at everything else in my life that I’m worked out. I just want friends to fall from the sky. I know I know, they won’t.
