So I’ve never learned how to actually set healthy boundaries, and I wanted to know what are some healthy boundaries you’ve set with your family, friends, significant other?
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Omg setting boundaries is something I’ve never done in my life until recently! There are many boundaries that can be set but the one I’ve been using lately is saying “no” to things I really don’t want to do rather than doing something and getting resentful afterwards. I’m sure I’ll be learning more as time goes on, great question!!! 
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When I was in treatment my main objective was learning how to set healthy boundaries! Because a lot of my issues why I used and drank where resentments I had.So
my main thing is keeping my recovery my top priority whether that’s my meetings or having some me time cause if I don’t take care of me nothing else falls in place but if I’m spiritually fit then I can handle other stuff without building resentments. Also learning not to put how I feel on the back burner saying no even if it upsets people that’s ok speak your truth no matter what! And keep on keeping on
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Saying “No” was a huge challenge for me. I’ve learned I do not have to respond immediately when asked to do something. I can now say “I’ll get back to you” and actually take the time to think about it. If it’s going to affect my recovery, my family or work then I’ll come back with a firm no and not feel bad. I’m no longer putting myself and my needs last.
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It sounds simple enough to do, but it truly is hard until you get used to it. It’s okay to say no for sure.
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This is huge!! I’ve been working on this lately too and I’ve found that it really has helped improve my relationships. It’s just another form of learning to be honest with ourselves.
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I flippin LOVE boundaries! One of the best things that I’ve discovered so far on my journey. Whilst I was drinking I would do what ever for anyone as I just wanted to keep the peace and “enjoy” my wine…a real life Mary Poppins! 
…My god, did my family and friends take the piss outta me!!! Learning to say NO was the best thing I ever did. I gotta say though… the new me didn’t go down well at first. Infact my in laws have gone right off me lol… fuck em! 
I saw people’s true colours when I stopped putting myself second. Quick example… my 78 year old (back then) mother in law has a bit of a trip and bump and her hand was swollen. I rang her and said, I’m sorry your not 100% at the mo, let me know if there is anything I can do for you. She, quick as anything said, there is something… I need my house painting outside! 
… I mean!! What the fuck?! But me just wanting to live a quiet life, went straight into Mary poppins mode and the next weekend painted her house!!! I’m a dick! NOT ANYMORE! the first time I said no to that woman you should of seen here face 
. Great thread 
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Awesome @Blondie1x!!!
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Oh god this could be me with the house painting! 🤦 Tell us a good no-story about your mother in law, @Blondie1x Sarah! 
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My mum in law is (out and about) the most lovely gentle little old lady you could wish to meet. She comes across so unassuming and gentle. But within my family she can be a selfish old lady. When I look back at all that I did for her and my sister in law it makes me mad! They just took all the time and I gave like an idiot. I was once at one of my sis in laws bbq’s (
horrible dirty house and garden, dog poo…INSIDE!) needless to say I don’t go to those any more lol. But, I was sat with my wine after a really hard week, minding my own business when my niece in law in her twenties came and sat next to me an whispered under her breath at me,” you’re a piss head you are, you’re nothing but a piss head”. I had just got back from nursing my very poorly mum that day and was in a hard place and yet here I am sat in her mums house because I felt I had to go. I have never forgotten that and I now use that as one of my motivations to move forward sober! Fuck em!
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Hi everyone, my first post here, am new to this platform…
So, setting boundaries… interesting, as its a major part of my recovery/therapy process! I believe my desire to better set boundaries stem from a growing feeling of self-love. I am more actively looking for MY needs, and not be too sensitive about others’ needs.
My fear of setting boundaries come from an underlying fear of abandonment, I think. Fear that a relationship (friend, family, love) might be hurt if I don’t give in to their needs. But the interesting thing is that the more I make little steps in guarding and expressing my boundaries, the more I am true to myself, better showing to others who I really am and mostly…the more inner-peace I experience. And funny enough so far NO-ONE has left me or got upset!
Its a beautiful path. Scary at times and it makes me insecure sometimes (DUHH, its new, out of my comfort zone, so ofcourse!), but I do believe it will bring me a lot of freedom in future to myself AND the people around me! (Because, my goodnes, it is SO exhausting to be always in someone else’s head, instead of my own!).
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Hi @DannyE , welcome! 
Oh that’s terrible, sorry you had to go through that Sarah but what a good way to motivate, to not forget that this happened! (Btw just for clarification, I meant a “no-story” as in a story where you say no, as you posted upstairs you have gotten so much better at it! So, I’m sorry if that came across as if I was fishing for trauma, I really wanted to share in your success and get some boundary setting inspirations!)
I’ve recently gotten much better with letting strangers know I don’t care for their unsolicited input. There’s this old weed smoking guy who is tidying up a wee dog park I frequent and he’s been chewing the ears of literally everyone who comes there. You hear his voice incessantly ramble and babble at whoever poor soul is too polite to walk away. I have not seen this guy not talk at someone awkwardly half-turned towards him and looking at the ground, and I go there a lot! Well, I have made it clear to him I’m not interested in his verbal diarrhea and value my time. I go there to play with my Queenies. he also tried to lecture me on how to treat my dogs, again, very firmly said no thanks. He’s understood and is now passive-aggressively talking to other folks about me, which is awkward but I don’t really care, I guess I’m learning. 
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Sounds like you’re getting steadier on your feet with your boundaries lady. Some people just keep coming and just expect us to stand there and say nothing. He sounds like an idiot! I have made myself unavailable to my mum in law. I send the occasional food parcel up with my hub but it’s his mum so he can deal with her. Lol. I just don’t engage in anything with her. Before I felt that it was my duty to do the whole daughter in law thing but you know what, no! She checks in every now and then and I reply with just letting her know how we all are but other than that I’m not bothering and I don’t feel even remotely bad for it. We have to stand up for ourselves, what we want and don’t want and will and will not do is important. It’s still quite early days but I wish I discovered this boundaries thing sooner 
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Wow! I am so glad I found this thread and just read every post thoroughly. I especially related to the person that was asked to paint the house! Lol.
I’m going through the same thing. My father has dementia and I am taking care of them and it is difficult to get my siblings to do anything! Even when they do agree to say, take him to a doctors appointment, at the last second they cancel,
Now, my therapist would say that I have to stand my ground , but here’s the problem, I cannot let my father go without… but everything, and I mean everything, it is just assumed I will handle everything and all.
As I’ve gotten sober and been learning more about myself, I have the biggest people pleasing attributes ever. I never say no. And then what happens is people start to expect it, not just expect it, demand it! Can anyone give me some advice about how to handle my situation. Yes, I do need to set boundaries, but then nothing gets done for my father. This makes the boundary setting difficult. Thank you all so much. Happy new year, Bobby.
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Hey Bobby! I hear you. My parents, age 90 and 88, moved to Independent Living apartment close by to me a few months ago. Two of my siblings live way up north and the other is incarcerated (fat lot of help he is! 
a little dark humor there). Unfortunately, all 3 of my brothers are unavailable for any day to day and have made it pretty clear that other things, like financial, research, stuff like that are also not stuff they will do (my incarcerated brother gets a pass on it obviously). So far 1 brother has visited twice, 24 hours the 1st time and about 36 hours this time (on a holiday, so cannot assist with practicals). They ‘just want to visit’ …which of course they should and my parents love. However, that doesn’t help in a practical sense. But it is what it is.
Your situation is different with them nearby. I know you want to do all you can. I also know it often ends up one person does a lot more. Are there any things they can agree to on a regular basis. And if they cancel, then THEY figure out how Dad gets to doctor or THEY set up next appt they will take him to? Are there certain days they can set up a visit to help with xyz or just to visit?
It is a challenge for sure. Of course you want what is best for your Dad, but you have to take care of yourself too.
Are you able to sit down with siblings and work up a plan that works for you all? Just a suggestion.
Anyway, you are not alone. Boundaries are hard, caregiving is hard. I struggle with this daily. Glad you reached out! 
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Thank you so much! Yes, we definitely have a problem in common! I actually think they cancel on purpose and just take me for granted, and they are right. They basically have me pinned into a situation where I can’t say no. Cause I just can’t let my dad go without. But I am aware of this, I just don’t wanna look back after my dad goes and say I should’ve helped him more. So I’m just basically taking the hit on this. One thing I have done is this…… I am very, very handy with a lot of things. And where I used to take it upon myself to do heavy repairs at the house, what I have done is tell them they need to call a professional. The good news is my dad was a truck driver and has a pension and my mother got rest her soul did a great job of saving money. What’s interesting is, especially my sister, looks at that money has hers, why she doesn’t wanna see it spent, but I say spend away, so for example there was a sliding glass door that needed to be replaced. And they were like, Bobby you handle that. And I put my foot down and said no. I made them call a professional and go through all of that and pay the money. In other words, I can put my foot down about those type of things, but anything related to his health and happiness. I have to bite the bullet.
God bless you and your situation. But you know what Sassy, my one friend gave me great advice, he is living in Guatemala, taking care of his mother, and he like us is taken on the lions share. And I asked him if it bothers him and he said yes, but it’s their loss cause they don’t get the blessing of helping the parent. So that’s what I try to do is look at it as a blessing. Thank you so so much for understanding. And best wishes to you and your parents. Love, Bobby.
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I am so glad you are calling in the professionals and even happier to hear your parents made good financial decisions. Mine did too and that is a relief for sure. Definitely agree that if you can get someone else to take on some of the work, do it. My Mom can’t iron anymore or do much laundry because they have a stackable and she can’t lift one arm, so I am setting up someone to come in and help and they can pay for it (and can afford it). Yes, I could do it, but I cannot do it all…so this is an easy fix. You are wise to have paid help when you can.
Wishing you some good times with your Dad and some peace with your siblings.
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Thank you so much! And remember what my friend said, you are going to get the blessings….
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