So a few things have been going on that i guess i just was trying to ignore? Idk. The biggest thing is this. I recently picked my mom up. My mom is going through a divorce. He is an alcholic, abusive, and a narcissist. They have been married for 20+ years. They got together when i was 3. Hes always been kind of emotionally detached and strict, but I looked up to him. I considered him my father. I loved him. Theres a lot of moving parts here. The last 4 years its just gotten really bad. They both relapsed with c0k3 a few years back. Idk if that triggered all of this alone or what the hell happened. So this “divorce” has been happening for like 4 years and just gotten worse. Next part my mom was recently diagnosef with ADHD and PTSD. She just started medications for the first time in her life which shes struggling with enough. Shes on medical leave from work. Nexg part. I have two younger sisters. One is 19 but still at home and one is 6 almost 7. They are suffering at the hands of this situation. My oldest younger sister i have always taken care of the best I can. I try to keep them both safe. The last several months ive been helping financially, showing up every chance I get. My mom has been asking for money which i was happy to help with. But it turned into an expectation instead of a favor. I started feeling taken advantage of. She stopped asking about my day or my life, only calling to complain. Forgot to tell me happy birthday for the first time ever in my life this year. And what sucks is she was always the parent who showed up for me. We have always had a good relationship. Even through her addiction and mine. It breaks my entire heart to watch her fall apart like this. Shes not herself right now. Then a couple weeks ago, i picked her up. It was a painful interaction. She was a mess and it broke my heart. Then, a few weeks later i was cleaning my car. I found a bag of c0k3 under the passenger seat. Well… my also sober boyfriend found it. Not only was it insanely triggering to have that bag in my hands but to also throw it away and then also have to work through the conversation with my boyfriend about it not being mine or not being his was fucking awful. Having that doubt present for the very first time in the almost 2 years weve been sober was horrible. But then when I told her about it she immediately deflected and asked if i was sure it wasnt my boyfriends. Then said well maybe it was an old one that had fallen out when i helped her bring some stuff to goodwill. The fact of the matter is that accident or not, old or not, if i had gotten pulled over i could be in jail, that could have ruined my entire sobriety journey or my boyfriends and there was no apology. Followed by assuming id send her money a few days later. Not even asking more of a “i need $200 I’ll pay you back Monday” kind of vibe. All of this combined with work stress, financial stress, trying to quit vaping, helping my boyfrend get through some very hard times, and trying to keep my head above water in general i just needed some space and time to process snd not be so consumed by the toxicity of everything.. i was trying to set healthy boundaries and stand up for myself. This leads to today. Apparently my step dad had a long conversation with my oldest little sister where he said "I’m leaving. Your mom will lose everything and you’ll have to go live with relative because i will abandon you, she cant take care of you, and clearly your sister (me) doesnt care anymore and won’t support you. "
She was already missing me and i know I’ve been distant as it is. So now this has damahed one of THE MOST important relationships I have or ever will have. He has also made several comments about me being worthless, selfish, and that I’m “not even his kid” ive been so angry with him lately that i didn’t even stop to process how much it hurts that he doesnt even care about me and maybe never did. But now I desprately need to fix my relationship with my sister quickly and thoroughly. But somehow do that without cutting anyone else off OR allowing all this darkness in to my life. I dont know what to do.
Oh hun I’m so sorry all of this is piling on your shoulders 
Big hugs to you 
I know it’s never as simple as what you can write in a post and there are always more moving parts and things. But could you help your younger siblings without going through your mom and step dad? Like letting them come stay with you or bringing them to/from school or giving/making them food?
Why does your mom need money from you? Because of the divorce? And if the dad is there… Why do the kids need to move to “relative” s house?
I’m sorry you had to find a bag of coke. Especially because it raised doubts with your partner. That wasn’t fair of your mom. She could t least acknowledge her mistake 
I wish I could come up with some comforting words…but instead I’ll sit and listen and hopefully being able to vent will give you comfort.
Ps. Your sister most likely knows that he is just trying to put a wedge between you. And even if she doesn’t now, she will see what’s real and what isn’t over time. Because actions speak louder than words 
This is some incredibly tough shit to be going through.
There are no 100% correct answers in terms of exactly what you should do so I’ll just offer some notes based on my experience only.
- This is going to drain you in myriad ways - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially etc. You’re going to need to protect yourself, your space and your boundaries.
- Don’t let the focus stay on the wrong-doer… Invest your energies in the people and relationships you want/need to be stable and strong. Bad people and their actions have a way of sucking all the energy from those caught up in the bullshit.
- Don’t try to “stay friends” with people who have wronged you. Fuck 'em. Refer back to point 2.
- Lives can get messy at any time, and the more time you spend on this earth the more mess can be made. You life and relationships changing in a huge messy event is not a failure, it’s just a phase.
- So much of this will be out of your control, so don’t try to control it. Refer back to points 1-4.
- Stay safe. Take care of yourself, and those closest, but know when to step away to remain safe - physically and mentally.
So, we were VERY poor in my childhood and she worked really hard. She had and maintained a high paying job and lifrstyle for 8 ish years. Her company sold and the new owner let her go. So she was essentially laid off. She hasnt been able to recover. Shes working but struggling to make ends meet. Plus, my step dad refuses to sign divorce papers or pay for anything for the girls or house. So she really is just trying to get by. So i will help with school fees and electirc or water bills when i can and she does her best to pay me back. Ive offered to let them stay here and they have ocasionally. The comment my step dad made about her needing to live elsewhere was just a way to get in her head.
The lack of accountability broke me. Like old new accident or not it was YOURS and you tried to blame the main source of my sobriety support first???
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I’m feeling much better after getting it out. I’m going to pick my oldest little sister up for dinner tonight just me and her and I’m having dinner with just my mom tomorrow. I need to have two different conversations with them each that set my boundary for my mental health without hurting anyone and i need one on one time for thst or ill get overwhelmed being pulled in too many directions at once.
I loved this! Thank you. I am on the spectrum (low spectrum and high functioning) I struggle to process, understand, compartmentalize and work through my feelings. Yesterday all i could feel was guilt for letting them hurt and anger at the world for letting them hurt. Today, I’m feeling much better and more sure of myself. I’m picking my oldest little sister up to ensure that relationship stays in tact and to remind her she ALWAYS has a safe place to run to and someone who loves her and is on her side.
I’m meeting with my mom tomorrow for dinner. I need to gave two different convos that set my boundaries for my mental health but doesnt make them feel abandoned. Theres a respectful way to tell someone i need space but i also need to discuss rehab options with my mom and other mental health things i need her to take care of and i have to do this individually because otherwise I’ll go into people pleaser mode and be overwhelmed by being pulled in two directions at once.
I have however decided my step dad is no longer welcome in my home, life, or welcome to my energy. The man who stepped up for me as a child that i loved is gone. If he chooses to get his head right get sober and make ammends we can cross that bridge then but as of now there is no fuckin bridge. He failed me as a parent and betrayed me, my sisters, and my mom who he was supposed to love and prioritize. I’ll also be setting that boundary with my mom. Do not ask. The answer is no. I dont want to see him or speak to him unless it is an emergency regarding the health or wellbeing of my sisters or mom.
But thank you. The energy behind your words was exactly what i needed to hear.
I have however decided my step dad is no longer welcome in my home, life, or welcome to my energy. The man who stepped up for me as a child that i loved is gone. If he chooses to get his head right get sober and make ammends we can cross that bridge then but as of now there is no fuckin bridge.
Wow… I’m not often at a loss for words and my emergency go-to is humor. I will tell you that I’m very jealous of the way you can express yourself under the circumstances. Reaching out for help was always hard for me and no matter what, I never gave up the whole truth about my feelings. I always had trust issues and still do. You are super fearless. 