So i had a therapy session today. My therapist is really awesome. Ive had a lot of bad experiences, especially in my childhood, with therapy and psychiatry. When i was young my dad was CONVINCED that i was Bi polar. From age 9-17 i was placed on 18 different pychoschematic medications. They FRIED my brain. My dad would bring me to a doctor, if they didnt diagnose me based of his opinions and lies how he liked hed take me somewhere else until they did. Turns out I have low spectrum/ high functioning autism and ADHD and was never diagnosed as a child. And the trauma in my childhood left me with complex PTSD and borderline personality disorder. Anyways. This doctor i really like. Today i, for the first time, discussed with him this feeling/sensation that I randomly get. Its happened since i was very young. Its always been there. It went away for a long time about 2 years ago. It recently started happening a lot again in the last few months… ive never known how to describe it or was too embarassed to say it outloud. Well… this was what I told him: i get this feeling of dread, not like something bad will happen but as if it already has or is actively happening. Not normal panic or an anxiety attack just a feeling of fear and disgust.
I was still being vague. He asked how i cope with this feeling. I told him: it doesn’t make sense but I’ll change clothes or put more layers on.
He asked me again to try to describe it. And guys bare with me here… i know … but i told him “imagine having sex with one of your parents or a family member… that gross pit in your stomach…thats the feeling” his response was very calm but he said “Its interesting that that was your example of this gross unsafe feeling.” We dove a little more into my childhood trauma and a few of the other weird habbits and reactions i have to things. I do have a certain family member where some inappropriate things were said or done throughout my life. This same person was also accused of SA his younger sister. His younger sister also at one point in time told other members of our family and a detective that he had SA me as a child… when these allegations came out i was still heavily drinking and using. I just sort of shoved it all away. I knew that this person had done things to me but not to this same extent… I’ve always had this feeling that something had happened… but i had no memory or evidence so i just have shoved that feeling aside. My therapist agress that this feeling could be connected to something of that nature in my childhood that i may not remember but experienced and that trauma and fear may have stayed with me locked away somewhere. My relationship with this person is already strained. I blame them for a lot of pain and suffering in my life as it is. The question he asked me though was: but do you want to know?
And I’m stuck thinking on if knowing one way or another would even help me. It could make it worse to know. It could put me at risk of relapsing or opening up old wounds that I’m not ready to heal. I could accept that something likely happened and take steps to heal it. I dont know if i want to KNOW. All i know is I cant keep shoving it down and pretending like its not there. Because it is. And after 26 years it hasnt gone away.
Ive never talked to anyone about this until today. I talked with my mom about it. Surprisingly she wasnt dramatic in either a negative way or a positive way. She was just steady. She also asked me the same question and told me that she loved me.
Just in a weird place with it all. I have experienced SA type things in my life. But what that woman acused this person of… its different. Just really confused. I’m not used to therapy leaving me puzzled rather than at peace. But this feeling happening again was too much for me. He did mention that 2 years ago when it stopped is when i had started gaining weight, i felt less atteactive and wasnt getting wanted or unwanted male attention anymore. Now that I’m losing weight and feel more confident I may be noticing more male attention again and its making me feel uncomfortable.
Idk… if theres anyone who may have experienced something similar that is willing to talk to me, even in a private message it would be greatly appreciated. I’m not like triggered to the point i even want to drink. Just wondering if its even worth exploring at this point in my life. 
It was more of a hit than i was ready for on a Friday morning in the middle of my workday. Thats for sure.
