Having to deal with awoken emotions

Help. I have an issue. With my sobriety is coming my awakening. So im actually beginning to have to handle my emotions and feelings, and not numb them with booze. Ive been nearly 2 months sober and my brains beginning to wake up.
Situation in a nutshell: we are looking to buy a property. We have viewings tomorrow(3!)After work.
My fiancees 10 year old wants to come with.
Now i dont want her to come🤷🏻‍♀️ we never thought we’d be able to afford a mortgage, or buy our own house. This is huge! And i want to share the choosing process only with him.
Yet im a ppl pleaser as well.
On the 1 hand i feel guilty for saying no, on the other i want to do this just us 2. Then i think whats the harm in her coming. Then i think i know the dynamic will change in the afternoon with her being there.
Its not a big deal but it is - to me.
What to do argh!!
Indecision!?

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Congrats on 2 months sober that’s wonderful news!

I see both sides of this- if he has a child you’re getting the whole package as you know, and he’ll want to include her. Maybe you could persuade him to let her come once you have narrowed down the short list just the two of you. Kids emotions are quite volatile and you wouldn’t want to get her hopes up only to find you couldn’t have that property for whatever reason. Buying a property always seems to take a while and have complexities!

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Congratulations on your sobriety!

I don’t think it’s wrong to speak up about making house hunting a childless effort. Not that her opinion doesn’t matter of course, she can always see the house at a later time.

The emotional rollercoaster hit me hard as well. Just remember You are not your emotions. Your emotions are in motion. No justification or explanation needed, it’s ok to feel them then let them go. :people_hugging:

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Hey Ania :people_hugging:

Two months sober is great, well done to you! We can’t avoid the emotional rollercoaster that is life, and have to deal with feelings head on. I’m glad you asked for help x

The fact of the matter is, your fiancé and his daughter have always been a package. You don’t get one without the other. From a parental perspective, you don’t want to leave your kids out of things, much less something as momentous as this. It might feel sad for him to leave her out. Look at his daughters perspective; her Daddy is going to buy a new house with her step mom. Any home you buy with your fiancé will be her new home from home.

In order to manage this, you’re going to have to face some feelings head on. How is your relationship with your step daughter? You’re getting married to her Dad, so you will have a blended family. How do you feel about that?

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Yeah i see what you mean. Him and his 2 girls have always been a package deal and never been an issue at all.
Im just trying to process all my emotions and feelings without saying or doing anyting stupid haha. Cuz i often act first then think later.
But you do remind me of a point i am already aware of so thank you.x

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Okay, you don’t really speak of your relationship with the girls, and that’s absolutely fine.

A little perspective from my life, if that’s okay? My husband and I have a blended family. I have two sons from a previous marriage, and I have remarried to a wonderful man.

I wouldn’t have ever married him if I felt like he didn’t welcome my two sons with open arms into our own union. I’m not saying that’s how you feel at all, this is just a ‘me’ story :slightly_smiling_face: My sons had to come first before my own personal happiness, so I was very happy that my husband accepted us all as a package. Our marriage would not work out without this important element. I will always fall on my sword for my kids. Most parents will be like that, unless they have some things going on themselves.

When I married my second husband, he became their stepfather, and he shares the ups and downs of that journey with them. He has stepped up and is very present for them. We have since had our own two children, but we are a blended family and we want everyone to feel secure, nobody feels left out. My husband didn’t just fall into the role as stepdad. He had no kids himself prior, I had to help him along the way. What mattered was that he wanted to step up and be a good thing in their lives.

I understand this is an exciting time for you both, we are in the process of house hunting too :upside_down_face: We have to buy a home that suits everyone’s needs. We need great schools for the younger kids, the older ones need access to good colleges, employment opportunities. Its hard to tick all the boxes, but we are doing our best and involving the kids - big and small. We need to know they are happy with these houses, as one of them might be their new home :house_with_garden:

I don’t know if telling you about our situation has been useful at all, I just thought I’d throw out a bit of information in the hope it helps.

By the way, I hope the house viewings go well, and you find your nest soon! :slightly_smiling_face::pray:

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Ueah thanka hun it has helped. I bring a lot of my pwn childhood expirience and baggage into my relationship somehow and from time to time need to have someone elses outside opinion. Your messages helped a lot thanks for telling me your story.
Ive only been back 2 months in the community and yeah i dont sleak much about the girls. They live with their mum and we have them as much as possible - which works well for everybody involved.(2c a week an evening and every other weekend). Fiancee has always been their for them no matter what which is lovely to see. Dont speak much of them as this sobering journey is my own journey at the moment and i havent got to the stage of thinking about how my assicition affected others i know and have been in contact with during (although im getting closer to those mewsings.

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I would make sure to make the child feel included in some way or another. If that’s looking at listings online and asking what they think or taking them to the showing. Their input on the house is not the important part, making them feel like they’re included is. Happy house hunting to you! Best wishes.

Congratulations on 2 months! Home buying can be very stressful so work on your sobriety overtime during the process :slightly_smiling_face:

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