September 4th 2024 7:30pm
I see a missed call from my brother and a text message saying “I just called the kids to ask about their first day of school.” I immediately call him back, as it’s ringing I hand the phone to my kids. He answers and the kids yell out in unison. “Hi uncle Jake!” Uncle Jake replies, “hi little princess” to my daughter and “hey Bubba” to my son. He speaks to them about school, tells them he’ll see them the coming weekend and they say their goodbyes. The kids hand the phone back to me. My brother sits silent for a few seconds as do I. I’m waiting to see if he wants to talk or not, he hangs up. It’s so stupid. I don’t know why I don’t say anything.
September 5th 1:30am I wake from a dead sleep, I have a weird feeling in my chest and I look at my phone and see a missed call from my mother. Just one. something inside me tells me to call back, instead I lay my head back down and fall asleep.
2:20am I am jolted again out of a dead sleep. This time my chest feels like complete emptiness. I set up in bed and staring into the darkness, wonder why I feel this void inside of me. It’s weird it’s eerie… Once again, I look down at my phone. I see that I have about 20 notifications. I don’t open my phone to see what the notifications are. Again, I lay my head down and fall asleep.
3:15am I’m woken by my son standing over me saying “mom someone’s at the door.” I look down at my phone and see that my cameras have detected someone, that someone is a police officer. I know immediately. My boyfriend gets up and goes to the door. I frantically look at my phone seeing about 50 missed calls from our mother and my brother’s best friend. I know. My boyfriend walks in and says “he wants to speak with you” and I immediately blurt out “my brother’s dead.” I walk into my foyer and the sheriff is standing at my door. We lock eyes and I utter “is my brother dead.” The sheriff says “you need to call your mom.” I repeat “you need to tell me if my brother is dead.” Again, “you need to call your mom.” I scream at him “my mom isn’t stable enough to tell me! tell me is my brother dead!?” The sheriff nods his head and I collapse screaming “not again. My husband died two years ago, not again!!”
3:30am I’m in utter shock as I call my brother’s best friend. She answers the phone sobbing and tells me how even though he had only like pulled a muscle or something and had been complaining about leg pain on Sunday, somehow that has progressed from then to now to him just dropping dead in the middle of a conversation with paramedics after allowing them in his home. I’m told the time he dropped was 2:20am. Now the complete emptiness I felt when I woke at that time makes sense. I felt him leave. The pain in my chest is literally unbearable.
I gasp for air so hard it scares me. My heart feels like it’s being tore, with some crazy rhythmic beat. The pain is going to kill me. At that moment I just know the pain is going to kill me. I look at my boyfriend, I’ve been clean off of drugs for two years. I scream “I have to get high. I can’t handle this pain. I have to numb it. I have to get high.” I leave and I look for my husband and I’s old dealer. I find her where I thought I would. I tell her I have to get high, that the pain is too immense. She looks me dead in the eye with a calm, steady voice. She says “you get high you die. You’ve been clean for too long, if you get high, you’ll die”. I freeze. I know she’s right. As I drive home, I thank God for her. What she’s just done, denying me. is unheard of in her world. I thank God for her.
7am my little sister calls me. “Hey Sis, I have a bunch of notifications on my phone. Is everything OK?” I whisper “he’s gone” she says “who?! what do you mean?” I say “Jacob‘s gone” she frantically says “how!? what do you mean Sarahya!?” I say through weeps “Jacob dropped dead. They believe from a blood clot that burst in his lungs.” She lets out the most horrifying scream I’ve ever heard as she sobs and repeats “no, no no…”
September 5th until today has been a whirlwind. I keep talking to people and repeating conversations because I can’t remember anything. I allow myself to cry for a few moments here and there, but if I let the dam break I fear I’ll never stop crying. I have slept maybe six- seven hours at most… Exhaustion isn’t even the appropriate word, as I fight off “friends” who have now turned vultures in his death. I try to keep my mother shielded from it all and alive as she repeats every day “I want to die and go with my boy, I don’t wanna live. I want to die.” She can’t though, our family can’t handle anymore death. I have to try to keep her here.
Bubba, I need you. We need you. This is hard. This is more than hard. I need you.
(Jacob did die of a pulmonary embolism. If he would’ve went in on Sunday, he could’ve been safe and they could’ve exploded it in his leg and gotten rid of it and he would’ve lived. After his death it was found he has a disease called thrombosis (not sure the rest) it is a chronic blood clotting disease. Every single one of us on mom’s side has to get tested for it because it could hit us at any time and possibly kill us. If we test positive, then we will have to continue to get tested once a year and be on blood thinners for life. My brothers alcoholism caused the clots to move quicker than it should have 
)
I could feel your pain in every word you’ve written. 
Sending love and strength to you and your family 🩵
Sending hugs to you 