Here goes. 5 weeks ago I had a day to myself while my husband and kids spent the day with the in laws. We just bought our first home in June and I was needing to get things organized still. Up to this point, I was drinking here and there but didn’t have any terrible episodes. My husband would bring drinks home without me asking, we’d have get togethers celebrating the new house, and hung out with friends for cookouts and pool hangs. Now mind you, he and I have been together for 10 plus years. We have 2 amazing kids, and have been through good times and bad. My drinking was always the reason fort he bad. when I’d drink too much, I turn into an emotional, mean, disrespectful person to everyone around me, even the kids sometimes. Well 5 weeks ago was a time where I had too much too fast on an empty stomach. I had to pick them up from his mothers house and took the cowards route and drove drunk. I should have been smarter and told them I had a few drinks and they needed to get a ride from his mom. But no, instead I drove, blacked out by the time I got there cause I remember nothing else. I was apparently a real ass and also in front of the kids, had to be carried out of the car when we got home… Etc. Thankfully no one or nothing was hurt. Here’s the other kicker to all this. The very next day his dad died. His dad was also an alcoholic but he never made the choice to clean up and be an actual father to my husband and his 2 brothers. From that day, my husband shut me out, I wasn’t allowed to be there for him in this crisis, wasn’t allowed to really be near them, nothing. 2 weeks later, he tells me he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore and wants a divorce. I’m crushed and terrified and heartbroken and confused because that day I messed up I made the final choice to end drinking and change myself for the better. it seems for him its too little too late. I’m now 43 days sober, not a craving or desire in sight but I’m trapped in emotional turmoil and just want my family back. Things have been amicable but I don’t want that, I want our lives back and to be better. I don’t know what to do.
This sounds like a terrible situation with even worse timing. Great job on 43 days. That’s a good start. I say this a lot on here. As addicts we want shit and we want our way and it damn well better be now. But the world doesn’t work for us. You need to give this more than 43 days. Maybe 43 weeks won’t be enough. How long were you an addict. Okay to play devils advocate. He just lost his father who was an addict. That’s got to be painful but what does he see when he looks at you an alcoholic?! You have to stir emotions within him. I will ask have you ever made that promise that was it! I’m done? I’m guessing several times so now he’s grieving and he’s looking at you and all he probably sees is he has to watch you go through the same thing. So all you can do is become the best you you can. And do it for you not anyone else. I know this is not the rainbow and butterfly sort of advice you probably wanted but I hope you can look at the entire picture without the haze. I can’t say what your future holds but I can tell you if you work on you that you will become a better person. And if you have to be strong enough to face this without the numbing agent. Just tend to your side of the street and trudge forward Best wishes
Congrats on your 43 days. From the looks of it you’re experiencing enough normal stress in life in terms of moving and the loss of a family member. Your husband is going through the same things. Throw alcohol on top of it all and quitting and there’s the cherry on top to the life changing happenings that are hard to deal with. In my experience of the first 2 it took a year to get settled and cope. I’m 210 days sober now and am figuring put how to deal with. Everyday brings me one step closer to a year in my new life. The same will happen for you two. Acknowledge how hard all of this is and deal with it. Be eachothers rock and it’ll get better.
Following along with the ones ahead here. I am sorry for the loss in the family,and I see you have some serious issues going on. Feeling pushed out is a terrible thing to go through. As others said, I really hope the situation takes a turn for the better,but you need consider your actions if this is the way that it plays out. I wouldn’t hold it against you for wanting to drink, but you know how that will end up for you. However this turns out alcohol will not help either way. It only digs the hole deeper for you.Best wishes,hope things turn around for you.
I’m so sorry you are going through all this. You will change so much in early sobriety, especially if you have some kind of program and are gaining a new support system. Have you considered just asking him for more time? 6 months is a rule of thumb in aa before making any major life changes. Best of luck to you!
He said it’s over. steps are already being taken to separation. There’s no time to right any wrongs or ask for more time. In his eyes, he’s not risking it all again. And don’t get me wrong, I do understand his reasoning. it’s just all so heartbreaking and terrifying and sudden. I just want the divorce final so I can work on me and get on with my life. he keeps wanting us to be friendly and blah blah blah, but if he’s gonna cut me out of his life like that without a word, that means I’m done too… And only working through this to finality. I dont want to be nice, but circumstances require it so I’m not stuck in a position where I lose the house we worked so hard for so our kids have such a place to grow.
I don’t want to spread false hope but separation is not divorce yet? I don’t know what you want either but if you are hoping for a future…fix you, play as nice as you can (not a doormat) and be present as needed. That’s my advice. If you are unsure that’s still my advice. And if you despise him(as long as it not abusive) then that’s still my advice! The reason being is as you get time and do repairs to yourself your perspective changes. Well not really we wake up to see life as it is not through the haze of addiction. So I’m suggesting you do your thing for a year and see where it takes you. Just my reflections. Good luck
Nah, we r getting a divorce, the only reason we haven’t signed papers yet is because we both need time to get separate finances in order and I have to buy a new car since he’s taking the new one we just bought. I’m keeping our house so he has to find a new place. It’s a lot of moving parts.
Hi…i’d like to say some things to you. I’m a mother too and i can imagine how are your feelings and guilty for all. But sometimes i think others points ir view can help us and i hope i can send you some helpful words. Sorry about my english. Lets: ok. You did a lot of shit, like a lot of us. I don’t think you are the worst wife/mother. Its clear for me that, otherwise, you wouldn’t be here. If you can see your errors, wonderful. Point. If you two have a Family for all these time, point again. It’s makes me think he loves or loved you. In my view, it’s time to think what you would like TO DO(nothing that envolves family) but some forgotten dreams: running, painting, become something new independent of being mother or wife. You can see you have a lots of chances to na something more. Where was you before being mother/wife? I know its ver difficult, but i can say i had to do the same to live with some facts that i did drinking in the past.
I’m trying to figure out how they said this, like in what context? Sorry, just because I’m going through my own guilt of feeling I’ve completely impacted my children’s lives in a negative way, and feel stuck with that remorse, etc…
Thank you so much, for explaining that more for me. Thank you for simplifying and dumbing it down for me. Sounds so simple when you word it that way. I’m 29 days sober, and it’s been such an eye opening and enlightening time. Every day is another opportunity to stay sober and keep moving forward.
So some good news to be had. He wants us to work on getting better and being more focused on each other. Work in progress but he stated he saw the changes happening and wanted to be a part of helping with that growth.
That’s great news. I’m so happy for you. I hope you both put the work in to find a happiness you never had as an addict.