I was first exposed to porn at a young age, 10-11 or so. A playboy.
Later, my friend showed me a hustler. Then as I grew I was exposed to more, magazines and movies. My first movie was at 17. As I grew older I was able to buy my own mags, rent or buy movies. I wasn’t a habitual user until my late 20’s.
I married at 37, and thought I could give it up. I had a beautiful wife of 32yrs. Nope. Within 2yrs. I was using, still loving my wife, but using on the side. At 44-45, we got cellphones. It was all over. The world was opened up and I used more and more. To the point I stopped making love to my wife. I had PIED, but didn’t know it. I looked up all sorts of things on the web, but didn’t look up help. Maybe I would have learned something…
Flashforward, my wife walked in on me using. All hell broke loose. That was 18mths ago. I haven’t used since. Truth!
We have been in and out of good times and bad. She has lots of questions. Why, when, why, what, why, who, why … You get the idea.
She still goes into rages and weoponizes any information I have given her. She wanted the name and dates of my first girlfriend. From Jr. High. My first sexual incounter, when I was 20. And the names of any dates and girlfriends I had before I met her. Now, she brings them up like knives to hurl at me.
My lament is, I want to be open and honest, but really, every thing I give her is a weapon. She wants me to be more close and build contact, yet pushes me away when I try, then tells me I’m not trying to get close. This has been going on for a year and a half.
I want to save my marriage, I truly do! I need some advice to help her heal. I’ve overcome any need to use . Don’t want it, Don’t think about it, Don’t need it.
I’m just hoping for some advice .