I have been clean going on 4 days now from pain pills, meth and adderall… previously, i was sober for 4 years with the help of MAT. I was and still am taking suboxone. I recently started seeking additional therapy outside of my regular group sessions at my suboxone clinic. I am trying my best to deal with the trauma i have endured as a child now as an adult. Im trying my best to " heal "… before starting this healing journey, i would just take my suboxone and that seemed to help the cravings. I recently had some things happen in my life which caused me to relaspe and go back to using drugs as my coping mechanism. I know i cant properly heal and deal with the things i have been through by covering it up with drugs so that i can just be numb and not have to feel any of the emotions that come along with healing. The smallest inconveniences that happen in my life and the first thing i turn back to is drugs to help me cope with it. What are some healthy coping mechaisms that i could try that could possibly make this healing journey a little less painful. I go to therapy once a week and at the end of my session each week, im mentally exhausted and all i want to do is get high so i dont have to feel anything. I want to be clean not only for myself but for my amazing boyfriend whom i hide most of my drug use from and i have a 6 year old little boy who deserves a clean and sober momma, also a healed momma as well. I need these therapy sessions, i need to face everything i know this but reliving everything each week is exhausting and painful. I cant keep using just to feel numb because myself and my family deserve the best verison of myself that i can be and when im using, im no good to anyone especially my own mental wellbeing. I also suffer from anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, BPD, PTSD and childhood trauma. Im currently taking medication for those illnesses as well. Does anyone have any advice that coule possibly help me on my healing journey stay clean at the same time? I dont want to use, its a constant battle every day and i feel as if i keep failing every time something hard comes my way. What can i do instead of using that could help me along this journey that i am on. I know its never going to be easy. Just looking for some positive feedback because the people around me dont really understand because they dont have the same issues i do. Someone, anyone, help?
Welcome to TS @JessicaAnn93
Have a good read around, there is a lot of information and shared experience here. You can use the search function above (magnifying glass) to search for keywords, also in combination like coping and trauma. A lot of people struggle(ed) with similar issues, you are not alone.
There are also threads who help to cope with everyday’s life and living life on life terms like the daily check in thread, the meditation thread, the gratitude thread, the mental health thread and others.
As starting point for resources for recovery I can recommend this one Resources for our recovery
I’m thinking about this
Maybe re-evaluate if this therapy setting is suitable for you. Yes, therapy is not rainbows and unicorns but IMHO a therapy session should include work on triggers, especially if the session itself is triggering. Maybe there needs to be adjustment in the therapy aproach. Just my 2 cents.
Dig out what kept you sober for years and use it, one day at a time from minute to minute. Many babysteps get you far, you only have to keep going. Don’t forget to rest. We deal better with life when we are rested.
Sending you strength, ODAAT 
There’s three pillars that form the basis of my Discovery/Recovery:
- Staying sober and clean. Without that nothing is possible and I will kill myself while wallowing in self pity and isolation. Plain and simple.
- Working on connection. Can’t do it alone. The opposite of addiction is connection. Inside and outside of sober communities that is for me. I found my sober tribe right here.
- Therapy. I suffered emotional neglect at home followed by sexual abuse in school. Ended up with a combo of BPD and Avoidant PD. Been working in therapy on dealing with it all for 2.5 years now. I know what you’re saying with coming away from therapy exhausted. One thing I can say that therapy shouldn’t be about is facing the trauma. It should be about re-imagining the past. Rescripting the past. Exposure therapy is a thing of the past really. It’s more about the (lost) connection between body and mind these days. Which is hard work the first months? years? too. It is becoming easier for me now, less exhausting and every now and then even giving me new energy. Don’t give up. Recovery isn’t easy but it so worth it. Hugs.
For me working on my PTSD order is to go underneath to trauma. I had some EMDR and exposure therapy. But whether it worked I honestly can’t say. Currently I have schematherapy, we’re we focus on my behavior. Mainly on avoidance and procrastination side of things, which is mainly a result of my trauma. Alcohol was my way of self medication. As @Mno describes my trauma made a split between body and mind which needs healing. I don’t know whether I’m on the right track, since I’m really having a hard time accepting all the things that happened as a result of my addiction and trauma. However sponsor and fellows say I’m doing fine, it’s a process. I was powerless I know that now, but that doesn’t make it necessarily easier at the moment. Feeling the feels can be overwhelming.
Greetz
The thought is that exposure therapy can be very traumatic all over again and therefore does more harm than good for a lot of survivors. EMDR isn’t exposure but comes close to it and can be very tough as I found out myself. And actually IR has some exposure in it too.
My individual therapist uses both EMDR and Imagery Rescripting (IR) as techniques to treat trauma. We did some EMDR sessions to try and treat sexual abuse but that gave a very strong negative reaction in my body and brain so for now we stopped that. We’re looking at things that occurred between my mother and me, which is more emotional neglect and abuse following from that neglect. And looking at IR to treat that, possibly combined with EMDR. Have to start that still. To explain what IR is as a treatment for PTSD I will give a link here:
The Pesso group therapy I do has sort of the same philosophy. But is aimed more at the body and at feeling. Each session one of the group members does a “structure”, trying to express some deep emotional need that thus far hasn’t been met. And using items and other group members as helping figures trying to actually meet that need, in word, in touch, in gesture, in imagery. Helped by the therapist. Thus forming a new, symbolic, memory to replace to old traumatic one. Sounds rather zweverig but it does actually help.
Hope this makes it a bit clearer @Rob11 .
It sounds to me like the past trauma is at the root cause of many of your problems. I would focus on confronting your past trauma in therapy and learning healthy coping skills. I don’t know the details but remember the trauma probably wasn’t your own fault. A lot of trauma morphs into a self hate complex that fuels addiction since the person has a lack of self worth.
I dont know if i have much else to offer as far as advice. Many people have given great suggestions already. I just wanted u to know that ur not alone. I have BPD and CPTSD and take medication for those also, along with trauma from my past and anxiety. Healing can take a while and i find that it sort of happens like peeling away layers of an onion. You heal one layer and peel that layer away, only to reveal another layer underneath that needs healing. Be patient and gentle with urself as u go thru ur healing journey. It may take some time. I have a 6 year old son also that is a HUGE motivation for me to stay clean. Our kiddos need us to be healthy, clean and sober 
Some things that have helped me:
- DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) helped with my BPD. Along with medication, this form of therapy has done wonders for me. Not sure if u can access this where u are.
- Mindfullness and grounding techniques. Basically slowing down and fully being aware of my surroundings. I do the 5 senses technique often and it really helps me to stay present:
- Staying connected to supports and on this forum has helped
- Deep Breathing
- I am also a huge fan of self care. I think its crucial in being able to manage stress and feelings of overwhelm and to show ourselves a little love.
I know it can be hard to give ourselves grace but just by you expressing urself and asking for help, shows how BADLY you want recovery. Im sure u have been thru alot in ur life and so it will take time to heal all those parts of u that are hurting. I know im still healing from past events from loooong ago. Im glad ur here 
Thanks for this. I will take this along. For me it feels sometimes that my therapy did more damage than good. Although it seems like my fresh trauma from my latest relationship bothers me the most. It’s kind of constructed trauma, meaning that she dropped her traumatic things in my bin. It is not for me, but if you love someone it seems you can take it over especially with my level of sensitivity . If I wanted to talk about it what it did to me (mostly I froze) she was unavailable and froze as well. At first I didn’t believe it myself, but it was for sure a trauma category. It is good to know that I loved her, but shitty things happened in our relationship while my addiction took it’s progressive hold on me.
Thank you for this reminder.
Thank you so much for all the wonderful suggestions and advice. Im going to look into the therapy part, a lot of others have also suggested different forms of therapy for me to look into. I actually go to therapy once a week, every tuesday at noon. So, today is therapy day for me. I am going to voice a lot of these wonderful suggestions to my current therapist just to see if she is qualified to do any of those and if not, maybe she could point me in the right direction while helping me herself as well. Ive only been to like 3 sessions with this therapist which is why i feel like its been so difficult because we are just getting started. I think i can benefit a lot from more therapy as well as staying grounded and connected through this community as well. Everyone has given me nothing but great advice and has been so welcoming. I was actually nervous to hop on here for the first couple of times, but i feel so much more comfortable and every time i pick up my phone, i come here before doing anything else. I have definitely been through a lot in the 29 years ive been alive and i used to constantly question god like why would he allow me to go through these types of things? I didnt see my purpose for being here, i didnt feel as if i deserved to live period. After multiple attempts to end my life, i finally realized that i am here for a reason. Each attempt was unsuccessful, even after me questioning god which we arent supposed to do, i finally came to the conclusion that the things i endured in my life especially as a child was not my fault and i done nothing to deserve the things i went through. I came to the conclusion that i do deserve recovery and i have plenty of purposes to still be alive. Im thankful those attempts failed and im so grateful to be alive and to able to say im 6 days clean and sober and because of communities like these, it makes it feel even more rewarding to know im not alone. Thank you for the awesome advice and taking the time to make me feel so comfortable here. 
ODAAT 
@JessicaAnn93 I’m glad you’re here. As I read your post, I felt like I could have been making these statements. A few of them I for sure have. Just remember that you’re not alone in your experiences. And that there’s a whole bunch of us who want to help you succeed! 
I saved the grounding with your 5 senses photo as my screensaver on my phone ( thanks @Butterflymoonwoman ! ) And I look at it all day every time I feel like I need to.
Congratulations on 6 days! I hope you’re able to get some additional resources from your therapist when you see them today. Maybe they can help with some of these other types of therapy mentioned above.
Also as soon as you leave therapy, try to do some sort of self care. To ease the transition from therapy and dealing with trauma, back to the present. 
That’s such a great idea… i never thought of that, doing some type of self care after my therapy session could definitely help ease me back into yhe present after dragging some old memories out that are pretty rough to deal with.
I definitely think im going to try and get something done to my hair or maybe ill buy some new make up to try. Either of those sounds good, been wanting to get my nails done, that would also be a good self care tatic to help me after therapy. Thank you for the great suggestion. I really think it can help too.
I am also going to discuss some of the other therapy options with my therapist and see what she can do to help me. Any support helps and im so glad to be apart of this wonderful community. 
Welcome to Talking Sober! I’m glad I met you, because I really do understand you.
I have as well that problem to “heal”… My traumas a lot control me, which causes relapses in my addictions. I’m working with this with my therapist, but it’s for now a lot hard, but still trying my best. So I believe you can do it too. 
Otherwise, I very like to draw when I feel a lot shitty, so I use it as my healthy coping mechanism. Others are as well writting poems, going outside to the forest to scream there and… Surprisingly sleeping. I read that sleeping is the most healthy coping mechanism and as well helps to body to relax a bit.
Good luck! I hope I a bit helped. If something, I’m always here for you.
Thank you for the encouraging words… means more than you know and it feels so good to know im not alone and that someone understands what i am going thru.
You can message me anytime, would love the company especially of someone who isnt going to judge me and who understands first hand what i am battling.