Heyo it’s been a while. A lot of shit has happened since I posted here last.
My fiancé bounced on me and ended things almost a month ago. It hurt like a mf and made me cry for hours when it first happened because we had been together for three years by the time he broke up with me. I even almost relapsed and sliced myself to pieces (I didn’t, I fought against the urge). It was related to the fact that he was one of two people I’ve dated in my life that I’ve truly loved. He was a good guy at the start and then he changed. In a bad way. He never hit me or abused me but he had rage fits often, he threatened to take himself out if he was losing an argument, he guilted me if I said no to sex. That went on for a year or so I think. I don’t know exactly when it started. I feared for my safety quite a bit which is definitely NOT okay, yet I stupidly dismissed it with the whole “he’s never hit me” type of mentality. He could have. At ANY point he could have. Hell he threatened his own parents on multiple occasions and trashed his room as well as the whole house. His own mother feared him and had his father install a deadbolt on her door that she always locked every night.
At any point he could have turned that violent and erratic behavior towards me and I would have been SOL because I can’t fight for shit. The fact that I’m even mentioning this scares the fuck outta me because no normal and healthy relationship involves those things. So in a way, he did me a favor by running for the hills because now I’m an entirely different person in the best sense. I don’t have to worry about pissing him off because I work too much, I can focus on my chores without distractions (besides my procrastination and ADHD 
) and I can travel without stressing if my ex was gonna be okay. I can dress however the hell I want without thinking “will he like it?” Bitch who cares? I like it and that’s all that matters. Of course it hasn’t been puppies and rainbows, I have had my moments for sure. I’m lucky enough that they don’t last long. It’s more like “yeah that was fun and all but it’s over with” moment and then I keep it moving.
This isn’t over, I know that and I know it could all slap me in the face again. I expect to break down at some point and cry, which is okay. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to grieve. Whether it’s the death of a family member, a friend, a beloved pet, or the end of a friendship/relationship, it’s okay to grieve. Don’t be ashamed of it, you’re not the only one out there that’s grieving over something and no one’s experience of grief or heartbreak is the same. Your feelings are valid, it’s going to be okay in the end, and make sure to take care of yourself first and foremost.
(Sorry for the essay that was a lot. Anyways have a good day/night wherever you guys are 
love ya)