If I recall, there are a couple of phrases… Falling off the wagon, or wheels coming off the wagon…
The wheels did not come off, they kind of exploded. And I started and habits again. For about 18 months I went back to old ways.
But scary as it is, I have not had a drink for a couple of days. I cannot find my old login, so I apologise about the lack of history connected with this post. But I knew I needed to return here. I do not think I can do this alone.
On the plus side, I know that I will feel better soon, on the downside, I know how shi… Unpleasant things have to get first…
Welcome back Phil. Take good care of yourself. You have any (medical) support? Detoxing bij yourself can be dangerous. As you very probably know. Anyway, wishing you the best and hope to see more of you. Be well.
How are you doing today Phil?
Keep yourself hydrated and try to eat healthy food to nourish your body. It’s doing hard work to get rid of all the bad stuff. Rest while you can.
Like @tailee17 mentioned make a sober plan to get yourself prepaired for cravings and other difficult situations. This thread is a good read:
Welcome . None of us can do it alone. Coming on here and being able to read things I totally relate to, and know that whatever I say, other people will understand, is so comforting. Glad you are back, and ready to fight again.
So, update… Yes I am doing this by myself, although, my son is staying over this evening. So not entirely alone …
But other than a couple of really bad nights of sleep, I am ok.
Tired, but ok. Trying to drink juice and flavoured water, but I am also drinking a lot of fizzy drinks as well. But I can only deal with one thing at once…
I am about to play audible and try to sleep… Then tomorrow is just another day
Thank you all.for your support. I think I do need to find something like AA. Being alone was one of the reasons I picked up bad habits again. .
I have just checked the date on the original post….
About a year later I have managed to make some progress….
A few months ago, I started with a local alcohol recovery service. I have been doing all the good things, swapping for lower alcohol content… starting a little later a few minutes a time. I have also been timing how long it takes me to drink, and adding a few minutes here as well, and also increasing the time between.
Unfortunately life has been giving me some very tough times at the moment. So for various reasons I am now on my 6th day of being completely alcohol free. Unfortunately I am now feeling the cravings quite severely.
My immediate problem is that I have been given a ‘free pass’, I mean that in the sense that if someone was to see me acting ‘tired and emotional’; they would not think it strange. I think if I allow that excuse even for ‘just one’, I would not get another chance. So I cannot.
Last night, I went to an AA meeting, and found everyone to be really nice and understanding. I have promised I will be at another meeting tonight, I have found I cannot keep a promise to myself.
All we have is today, this moment, right now. Focus on the moment. Also helpful is remembering why you want sobriety. I found that I was really sick and tired of letting myself down over and over. I wanted to be proud of myself.
That’s the “stinking thinking” they talk about in AA. When we are sober, one of the last things to let go is the seductive lure that booze can throw at us. “I’m doing so much better”, “I was ok on that harm reduction plan”, “It hurts too much”, “I can restart tomorrow”, “It just doesn’t matter”, “I can’t avoid this drinking situation”, “I’m too embarrassed to say I don’t drink” etc etc etc, that’s all our brains trying to re-instate the learned behavior we develop over years of drinking.
The primary tool I learned in AA to combat that kind of thinking was the saying “We don’t drink, no matter what. Big stuff, little stuff, pain, joy, just cravings out of the blue, we stay dedicated to abstinence. And the difference between abstinence and sobriety is that being sober, we don’t drink and we do seek help. If a craving hits, call or text someone or read some literature. Going to the market? Write “No booze today” at the top of your list. Little tips like that were very helpful to get me to break the learned reward cycle of drinking to feel better then feeling awful after drinking then drinking to feel better.
For me not isolating, looking for connection instead, is an essential and integral part of my recovery/discovery. Without it I couldn’t stay sober. I need my sober peers. Face to face was to much for me early on, so this became my prime place for that. And it worked. I’m totally sure I couldn’t have done it without it. I’m in awe of you, making it 1 month and 23 days on your own Phil. Keep going. The opposite of addiction is connection friend. Wishing you all success.
Unfortunately I have quite severe social anxiety anyway, so I really am going through this journey solo. It makes things harder, unfortunately.
But I have managed to stay sober, I will take that as a win I managed to keep myself occupied and doing a bit of maintenance on my car at my workshop. So I had to remain alcohol free so I could drive home, and I got my fuel gauge back working, no luck yet on the water temperature gauge, and I still have a reversing light and a reversing camera to fit….
That goes for me too, especially early on. That’s why TS, right here, has been so good for me. Safe. Can close the tab any moment you want. engage and disengage at will. No face to face. Worked so well for me. And after 5 years of therapy things have gotten a lot better for me too.
. None of us can do it alone. Coming on here and being able to read things I totally relate to, and know that whatever I say, other people will understand, is so comforting. Glad you are back, and ready to fight again. 
I managed to keep myself occupied and doing a bit of maintenance on my car at my workshop. So I had to remain alcohol free so I could drive home, and I got my fuel gauge back working, no luck yet on the water temperature gauge, and I still have a reversing light and a reversing camera to fit….