If you can provide me some sample questions that will help. Also any information about the college you’re applying to and/or test you’re preparing for.
Legal updates: the prosecutor is unwilling to waver on 6.5 years. Now, the goal is to wait for my sentencing and see if the judge will be more lenient. My attorney is going for a “shared responsibility” clause due to the fact that there were a lot of factors at play that influenced my decision making that day. I feel guilty; like it’s blame shifting but I have to remind myself that I bare the full burden and ultimately it was 100% my fault, there were just a lot of things that my friend also did that played a big role. Now it’s in the hands of the judge.
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Wow…that is difficult news. But you do have the chance that the judge will be lenient. And time off for good behavior. Hoping very hard for you that both of those things happen. When might you know? I wish I had something useful to say…I just want to say your story is important to me and others who have risked lives. Wishing you peace and continued sobriety.
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Good for you Knives. You are facing this with your feet on the ground & not running. You’ll find what you need 
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I really won’t know anything until my sentencing. I am to write everything I remember about that day, anything he may have done that contributed to the accident. There are a few things, but it’s so hard to write about. It’s hard to imply any blame on his part. Remembering everything is super difficult as I’ve blocked a lot of memories out, but luckily I have a therapist that is helping me with that. It really just is so incredibly difficult. I often think about just ending it all so I don’t have to feel this way anymore, but I can’t rationalize hurting anyone else. I’m just barely treading water. It’ll have been 9 months on the 17th. Feels so close and so far away. Like it doesn’t even exist anymore, but the pain is so palpable.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this Knives. It’s so hard. It’s just so, so hard.
Memory is like life in some ways. We can run from it (addiction and suicide are both running away), we can bury it, but it is there.
You don’t realize it now but when you face your life you discover power you didn’t realize you had.
Your emotions are valuable here, as guides on your journey. I notice the idea of assigning accountability to the other person you mention, is really troubling for you. If it’s ok with you, I’m curious about why. (You can answer or not here, I don’t mean to be nosy; I’m just exploring.) What is it about having shared accountability in this case that troubles you so much?
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I just feel bad implying that somehow he also played a role in his own death. I know there are factors, but I don’t feel comfortable taking even a modicum of the blame away from me. I don’t care if he contributed in any way. It’s ultimately my fault completely. Idk. It just makes me feel awful because I place so much blame onto myself, and I think that I deserve to carry all of it myself.
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You do that a lot: you hold yourself responsible for others’ behaviour in your family (for example, it sounds like you feel responsible for your sister); you hold yourself primarily or even exclusively responsible for the tragedy of which your behaviour was a part (“part” being the key word).
Yes what you chose to do that day was stupid. Nevertheless you weren’t the only one making choices that day, and - even more important - you don’t have to carry the sin of the world.
We don’t need you to save us. How does that feel? To not have to save others? What do you do with the space that creates?
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I’ve taken a few days to absorb this because I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t know how not to “heal” myself in that regard. A lot of people think that to heal myself I have to forgive myself and I disagree with that. I do think it’s possible to move forward, albeit slowly, without doing so because I think that some things are unforgivable. I don’t think I have a savior complex really, I think I just feel a lot of shame and empathy for others.
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I understand. It’s a complex picture 
This is a challenge that I face myself, not exactly in the same way but I go through similar lines of thinking; also my own family has a lot of threads of this. In my experience we can notice patterns; we don’t always understand why, but we can at least ask ourselves what we need and what could be helpful for meeting that need.
Forgiveness is not the same as validation. To forgive does not mean what happened was ok. Forgiveness is an act of faith. It says that it is possible to move forward, and to build something that works. It doesn’t mean we forget what happened, but it does mean that we say, the reliving and recycling of that pain is not helping anyone move forward.
(Edit: forgiveness also does not mean you have to stay with the person who wronged you or hurt you, if we’re talking about forgiveness of other people. In cases where you choose to cut ties, forgiveness means learning what there is to learn from the pain, and growing into new, different areas of life.)
My thoughts anyway. Forgiveness is very personal. There’s a lot that is in similar lines to it, as well: forgiveness is not the same as redemption, it’s not the same as forgetting, it’s not the same as permission. So if it’s not all those things, then what is it? The answer to that question is important to your sense of self, and your sense of purpose.
You’re still human. You have as much right to a purpose as any of us do. Nothing you did and nothing you can ever do can take that away from you.
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Hey pals, just checking in. In about ten minutes I’m beginning my first ‘’memory recall’ session with my therapist to try and dig up what I’ve blocked out that day. I’m not necessarily the most excited about this. At all… I’m worried I might uncover something that should’ve just stayed buried, or something that will trigger my suicidal thoughts. Ugh. I’ll check back in and let you know.
I haven’t hit a meeting in weeks honestly, so I think I’ll try one today. Wish me luck!
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Well, that was fucking awful but she said I did good. It didn’t necessarily help with my memory but hopefully once we’re finished I’ll have an easier time with the absolute blame and guilt I feel, although I’m not sure I can do that. 
I’m depressed:sparkles:
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Hey knives I’m sorry you having such a terrible time with this hell all of it.
I had a therapist who did memory recall therapy he bounced it around a bit, good ones bad ones. It pissed me off alot and it took a while but it did help. Didn’t solve everything but I found benefits in it. Might just take a few sessions tbh
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You did the right thing knives. You’re a good person and you deserve a safe, sober, present life. You don’t have to run; you are not a bad person and with time and persistence you will find your place. Take care love 
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I know it’ll take a bit. I’m doing for myself, but I also need to do it for court so it’s an extra level of stress trying to force memories. It’s frustrating feeling like I won’t get anywhere, and frustrating to know at some point I’ll have to recite these memories while a prosecutor tries to tear me apart. Ugh.
Thank you 
I did get to a (Zoom) meeting and it was necessary and I’m feeling a bit better. I routinely go to the Australian Sunshine Coast meetings, and the host said “happy to have you back, mate. We missed you”
Even that little gesture felt nice and reassuring. I’ve also been looking through my rehab journal and reminding myself of the community I met there that helped me feel better about myself and how much I appreciated that. I just want to get back to where I was in rehab because I was truly learning how to forgive myself.
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Oh yeah I read your story and saw your background shit going on,
However, I’m sure having it hang over your head, is a bit much and hard to heal. Let’s hope for a possible best outcome
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You are forgiven Knives. Each day you choose to be here, to be present, to be yourself and live, responsibly, today, is a day you are forgiven. Go in peace sister. Live your day.
There is only today. And you choose what today is. You choose to be sober and present. That is what gives you grace and peace. You don’t carry the whole world on your shoulders; no one does. You carry only this moment. And it’s yours: forgiven, graceful, capable.
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I figure because I trust y’all and it’s happened a few times I mind as well mention that I am an Agender person (completely devoid of any and all gender. Do not relate, cannot compute) I use they/them pronouns and shy away from anything feminine, so ‘sibling’ would be more appropriate and applicable to me thx for understanding.
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(If anyone has any questions about this I’d be happy to answer them! I have used this descriptor for myself for about 5 years now and feel relatively comfortable talking about it for those who are curious)
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