I know you’re going through a really hard time Knives, with the BP + the turbulence with family and friends + the COVID crisis + all this other sh*t. You’re in a hard space and I imagine it’s hard to find meaning in it; it’s hard to find a space that’s yours, where you can be as you are, in peace (or something like it).
Would you like to see some photos from a trip I took recently? Drove along the north shore of Lake Superior - giant lake; it’s just so big you don’t know what it feels like until you’re standing beside it! - and got the chance to take a couple panos while I was there. The first is a beach we passed (we Canadians don’t need your California beaches… sissies ), the second is one of the dozens of perfectly clear rivers that feed into the lake, and the third is a waterfall on another river.
It was stunning. I’d go back there in a heartbeat. Nothing but the Earth and the air.
For me in my sobriety these are images I keep in my core. I can go there any time I want, no matter where I am, with my thoughts - I go to that space, I see that sky, that water, and those trees, and I am at peace.
Those are so gorgeous. Thank you for sharing. My birthday was a pretty shitty day, but I’m still here. I definitely feel older. The mitigation packet is in to the prosecutor so now I just sit and wait until he chooses what he wants to do with me. I’m tired.
I hear ya. It’s tough when it’s out of your hands. And it’s exhausting on top of all the physical draining things in your life, to have to process all the emotion connected to the situation you’re in.
I don’t know if this helps at all - I know sometimes it’s more helpful just to listen, and I’m happy just to do that - but it’s so liberating and uplifting at times like this to think of something to be grateful for. Like I’ll get right down to “I’m grateful for electricity because it lets me start my car”. I can hear your exhaustion today; I hope you can see some light, somewhere in your life now (even if it’s just being grateful for the light of the sun).
Take care sister and remember: you’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self. You have dignity and no matter where you are, you deserve to respect yourself. No one can take away your understanding of yourself, or your respect for yourself - ever.
you’re in my thoughts Knives! wishing the best for you i read through your previous posts, thank you for sharing. your poetry and artwork is beautiful.
please try to be kind to yourself. cliche saying i know - but often it’s always darkest before the dawn. change is out of our control, but we can choose to actively shape it.
anyway, good luck and keep us updated!
Not the best. The prosecutor came back with a response to our proposal and even after everything, no criminal history, the family demanding to see me out of prison, the prosecutor still wants me away for 6.5 years because he doesn’t know if I’ll “be sober forever” or if I’m “still a danger to society”. It hurts. We’re going to ask if he’ll compromise at 3.
We won’t know anything until he gets back from vacation mid January. I’m hopeful he’ll be in a better mood perhaps. I don’t know what I’m going to do if he’s still hellbent on this.
You’ll do what you do whether it’s 6 years or 6 days: be stable and strong through it.
We’ve never met but I have met a lot of different types of people here and I have to be honest - I don’t think this is going to break you. I think it will strengthen you in the way steel is strengthened. It will purify you the way gold is purified.
I know prison sucks. But honestly it is what you make it, and you can make it into something.
Thank you. I am nothing if not resilient.
I’m really determined to get a degree, but you have to pass a test to be able to take college courses so I’m trying to force as much math into my brain as I can and I am nottttt as proficient in numbers as I am in other areas. I’m just so stressed. But still sober. I hope they take into consideration how hard I’m working. It’s a major struggle to keep myself together every day. I’m almost in tears even writing this. I appreciate how much support you’ve given me along the way.
I’m refreshing myself on literal basic arithmetic because I’m that rusty, but I think I should work on algebra1. I’m not sure what the content of the test will look like, but I was told that if I don’t pass I won’t be able to take courses and that’s the only thing keeping me sane about going.
Hey @Knives69, I (still) don’t really know what to say to you in your situation but wanted to express again how absolutely inspiring it is for someone like me to see how you deal with this situation. You’re looking ahead, preparing for a test to be able to take a degree, despite everything. You really do have what it takes, girl. I absolutely wish you all the best, hope that persecutor comes back from the best effing holiday of his life mid Jan where he and his wife made sweet loving under the palm trees every day and he found a cute street kitten to take home, and he’ll be clement.
Thinking of you girl! Keep writing to us!
There are probably others out there. I think working towards your degree would be a great thing to do if you do get time. Or even if you (hopefully) don’t. There are resources out there to help you pay, too. Start at a technical school. Much cheaper. I’m hoping the best for you.
If it would help I will be happy to tutor you in math. I am a certified teacher and used to run a tutoring company. My focus was on language tutoring, but I am good with numbers and I know sometimes as a learner it can be helpful to have someone work through problems with you.
Thank you all I am definitely getting time, it just depends on how much. The prosecutor absolutely nixed the idea of the first time offender waiver and DOC idea, so now it’s about negotiations and compromise. Looking forward is all I can do or I know I will lose myself and likely not survive this myself. I have been hospitalized twice now for attempts in the depth of my addiction, before any of this even happened.
I follow a lot of sober meme pages that make light of things and joke, and I commented my experience on one that joked about doing coke to sober you up enough to drive. I got berrated by someone who told me to keep these things to myself. My main goal in all of this is ‘to carry the message to the addict who still suffers’. If I can even make someone think twice about driving. Remind people that tragedy is closer than you think. I know people don’t make the best choices under the influence and I want to spare anyone I can from the absolute suffering a split second decision can cause. It was a tough interaction and I’m feeling a bit down on myself today.
Thanks for the SAT link. I’m doing practice courses with the khan academy website and that seems to be helping at least a bit; I get frustrated so fucking easily and tend to give up. Tutoring could be nice. A friend of mine is a math teacher and is supposed to be helping me but he’s been distant in my life lately, which has also been a struggle.
As far as language goes that’s the one thing I’m not concerned about as far as testing. I’ve always overachieved in that area, I’m just so bad with number comprehension.
I can’t stress enough how much your support means to me. I oftentimes feel very alone through all of this and it’s nice to be reminded that not everyone has such a negative opinion of me. Sometimes, like today, I’m having a hard time with the desire to just keep going.
It’s our pleasure Knives, we’re happy to help. If you’d like to do tutoring please send me a message & we can do it there; I doubt it will be of interest on the public threads
), the second is one of the dozens of perfectly clear rivers that feed into the lake, and the third is a waterfall on another river.
I hope you had a good one 
i read through your previous posts, thank you for sharing. your poetry and artwork is beautiful.
I am definitely getting time, it just depends on how much. The prosecutor absolutely nixed the idea of the first time offender waiver and DOC idea, so now it’s about negotiations and compromise. Looking forward is all I can do or I know I will lose myself and likely not survive this myself. I have been hospitalized twice now for attempts in the depth of my addiction, before any of this even happened.