How are you Knives?
Not good, my friend. But I got a new sponsor (one that actually interacts with me lol) and I’m doing my best to get back to the motivation I had right after rehab. I was doing sooo well and just slowly let myself crash, so here we are.
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Hey pals! I’d like to do an out of character check in (but I’m tryin to ride this wave while it lasts) I feel good today! I woke up early to go to group which was what it was, then I hit my first in person meeting in MONTHS. It was a nooner and only the four of us there, but it was so refreshing and nice. I forgot how validating being around my people are. Today’s reading was about gratitude and it made me realize that I am just grateful to be sober today. Start little. I got home and cleaned everything, washed my bedding (which was long overdue and feels SO GOOD) and cuddled with my kitty who gives me nothing but unconditional love. A friend of mine (that rehab guy I fell in love with but didn’t work out romantically, also very grateful for him and his continued support and friendship) called from the rehab he’s currently in and we had a nice chat. Very glad to see him giving this another go. I then had a friend reach out to me wanting to get sober so I offered to take him to a meeting which feels good to be of service like that to others; feeling trusted enough in my sobriety to be asked for help. I talked another friend out of an emotionally dark place and into a better mindset and I realized, why don’t I ever listen to myself and take my own advice? Take my own insightful words into consideration for ME? So I wrote a gratitudes and affirmations list. It feels good. I talked to my new sponsor (who is incredible. Such a gift for me right now) and she told me that I basically just blasted through my first two steps with the exercises I’ve been doing and I’m already now on my third apparently? She’s having me write the synchronicities that occur during my day and the little coincidences and it’s so magical to observe. That alone steers me in the direction of feeling more secure in a higher power; the small nuances and connection in things that seemingly don’t make sense, but still belong.
TLDR- I am just happy in my recovery today. Happy to be feeling some semblance of confidence and clarity in myself. I’m so grateful for all of you invested in my journey.
Thank you for reading this 
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well put Sis.
I loved reading that!! Despite your circumstances you are finding positives alllll over the place. Obviously, your lengthy period of sobriety is really paying off. Just glad for you!! I hope the wave continues.
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How are you Knives?
Been better. I started taking lithium so I was incredibly sick in bed the last couple of days, but I’m functioning a little bit better now. I’m hoping this will help me, but it’s just adding more toxic drugs to my bloodstream that make me feel sick so I guess we’ll see. Other than that, started talking to my rehab love interest again and it’s been really nice to have a little bit of love back in my life while it lasts. Just trying to enjoy it for what it is and stop worrying about how it’ll end.
For the most part I’m just exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Thank you for checking in.
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Psychiatric drugs can be exhausting; I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. I’m glad it’s settling a bit but still it sucks.
Thinking of you. I want you to be safe. Take care Knives and be gentle with yourself 
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I’m glad you stopped in. I hope you feel better. And some communication to lift your spirits? I say YES to that. 
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I got off the lithium and I am feeling much better. It was making me incredibly suicidal and having a horrible reaction to it so they got me off of it immediately. Slowly but surely 
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One day at a time. Do they have alternatives?
Oh yeah. The laundry list of medications I have tried/will likely try is never ending. I’m already on one mood stabilizer for the bipolar they just want me on more bc apparently I’m not stable enough yet. Lol ugh. The lithium was supposed to make me LESS suicidal, not more, so that was a bust. I guess they mostly want me to not kill myself which makes sense I guess but I’m not sure that’ll ever go away.
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Ooof. Lots to carry there. I can imagine how difficult that is: never to know what the surface of tomorrow’s moodscape will be. Will it be smooth? Jagged? Clear? Opaque? Rising? Plummeting?
I can imagine that must be exhausting. 
You belong Knives. You have a place. Your thread is a valuable part of the fabric of life. It is bewildering but it is precious. You are bewildering and precious.
Do you know about the Golden Spruce? A mutant tree, sacred to the Haida of the Pacific coast:
In some ways the mystery of your own mind is similar, I think, to the mystery of the origins of the golden spruce. Who knows where it comes from or why? Nevertheless it is here. It is utterly unique.
Take care Knives
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Again and again I’ll thank you for your words because again and again they help get me through. I just wish I could be “normal”.
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Yes that’s understandable. Longing for what seems… more secure. More accepted.
Where do you think you started to believe your identity, your nature, was unworthy? That you had to be something other than what you are?
Forgive me if that question presumes too much. But there is a recurring theme in the thread here: a kind of despairing desperation not to be one thing, and instead to be another thing. Where did that start for you?
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Definitely as a child. Early as I can remember I was just never good enough. Never got hugged, encouraged, told I was loved. I felt pretty useless from the get go and maybe if I was “better” I could be loved. I of course started doing things ‘normal’ kids didn’t do. Self harm, eating disorders, substances, etc and that brought counselors and school staff to tell me that I wasn’t okay. Then the mental health professionals that told me I REALLY wasn’t okay. I don’t ever really remember feeling normal bc I definitely did not have a normal upbringing or life at all.
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That’s a painful space to be in, to feel so placeless: unseen, unappreciated. And to internalize that over time - it’s heartbreaking 
Have you found some ways you appreciate yourself now?
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How are things Knives?
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Thanks for checking in! Could be better! Stumbles pretty big time but getting back up. Some girl told me a few days ago that I’m a piece of shit and she hopes “Prison makes me a better person” which is so asinine, I know, but it’s hard for me not to ruminate. She could’ve just called me a piece of shit and left it at that and that wouldn’t affect me bc like yeah girl, hard same. But idk. That one hurt. Prison doesn’t make people better. Prison makes people prisoners. I’m getting anxiety about going bc I know I need to. Time out could be time served. My attorney said it’s basically up to me when I go so I’m going to enjoy a few months of sunshine and a little bit of time with my sweetie then I’m off.
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Oh Knives. I’m so sorry you faced that. That must have felt so awful, hearing those words.
You know what though? The fact those words caused you pain is a sign that they were meant to cause pain (in the same way that a tree branch can bring pleasure - seeing it on a tree on a sunny day - or pain - if it’s used to whip you). That means those words reflect the inner pain of the speaker - projected onto you - more than any “truth” about you.
Speaking of personal truth:
Hmmmm this sounds like the idea that your circumstances define your worth - and your (un)freedom.
No question, circumstances influence us, and shape us. They often define the terms of our interaction with others (and sometimes with ourselves). But “better” (or “worse”) are adjectives of personal goodness. I know a few names of people who were in prison whose personal goodness - whose constructive meaning to their community - was known and respected.
These same people might have been physically in prison. But they were not prisoners (at least, not in a way that held them back from being everything they could be in the life that they had).
You’re a good person, a worthy person Knives, no matter where you are or what you hear. Water off a duck’s back - that’s what unhelpful words and difficult circumstances are. Water off a duck’s back.
I’m glad you’re enjoying some time with your love. Take care & remember: the time that matters is now. It’s the only time we ever have. Make it everything it can or needs to be, for you, and you’ll never regret anything.
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