Hi Knives; I may have mentioned it before that I worked in a men’s prison so I don’t have any reference to a women’s facility, BUT; the guys in my facility were treated pretty good. They had jobs, schooling and aa meetings among other things…library, rec time. I guess I just want to take some of the fear out for you.
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I really appreciate the insight. It is terrifying to me whether or not I’ve accepted it. I read a lot of forums but those are usually people sharing their negative experiences and the bad things.
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I just mean in the way the privatized prison systems and mass incarceration aren’t proven to do much good. How I’m supposed to somehow be “better” because of it is beyond me. Rehabilitation and education does infinitely more to better people than incarceration, and that’s proven. I know how to make a positive out of a negative, do the best with it or whatever, but as far as making me ‘better’, that’s arguable. I understand it was meant to hurt, and it worked.
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Mmmm yes it did hurt. It belittled you. It’s so hard when people don’t see the humanity 
This poem is coming to my mind now. The pronouns are masculine but could just as easily be “they” or another neutral term; the meaning would be the same.
A free bird leaps on the back
Of the wind and floats downstream
Till the current ends and dips his wing
In the orange sun’s rays
And dares to claim the sky.But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
Can seldom see through his bars of rage
His wings are clipped and his feet are tied
So he opens his throat to sing.The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
Of things unknown but longed for still
And his tune is heard on the distant hill for
The caged bird sings of freedom.The free bird thinks of another breeze
And the trade winds soft through
The sighing trees
And the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright
Lawn and he names the sky his own.But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
His shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
His wings are clipped and his feet are tied
So he opens his throat to sing.The caged bird sings with
A fearful trill of things unknown
But longed for still and his
Tune is heard on the distant hill
For the caged bird sings of freedom.(Maya Angelou)
I hope you find your freedom Knives. I believe it is there for you. I hope you find it.
Hello friends. On April 17th it was the one year anniversary of the accident so my PTSD and emotional distress has been at an all time high. I am having a hard time keeping it together, have been feeling guilty about that, and isolating quite a bit.
My psych prescribed me 15 Valium to get through the anniversary and that helped immensely, but, ya know. Me and benzos…
I’m sorry for being absent. Thanks of you who have checked in.
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Good to see you Knives! It is an up and down journey. But you are walking it and you are capable of walking it.
Remembering pain is so hard. So, so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through that
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@Knives69. That is a very tough anniversary. I’m glad you checked in. I hope you don’t isolate too much and have support. And there is always this place. 
Someone who was at the scene of the accident finally told me what happened in the spaces I kinda blocked out. So hard to hear. So hard to relive. I spent all day reading prison forums again and fell down that rabbit hole. I definitely don’t want to drink but I am definitely missing those benzos I had. In my memory everything was silent. But I guess I was screaming. Covered in blood. I kept asking if he was okay and nobody would let me see him or tell me he was dead. I yelled at the cops for not checking on him and nobody told me.
It is so fucking hard to hear. Don’t wanna do this anymore.
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You’re going to get through this, I promise. Try to think positive and think forward. What’s done is done. I believe in you.
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Oh Knives that’s so hard to hear. It’s such a heavy emotional weight.
You’re not alone. Share, if it helps. We’re listening.
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@Knives69…I’m sorry you have to hear and relive such a painful experience. Maybe it will help you heal? Knowing what happened? I know absolutely nothing about what you are going through so don’t want to say anything trite or insensitive. I really admire you for not using and/or drinking.
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Fuck that sounds really intense. I mean of course the whole situation is. But yea…
No wisdom or advice, just another person with nothing but admiration for how you’re showing up here and in your sobriety 
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Just needed to put that somewhere. Someone called the cops to do a welfare check on me and that was embarrassing and made me angry. I know they’re coming from a place of worry, but it just made things worse in my already stressful and exhausting living situation. I haven’t wanted to self harm in a rly long time, pretty much since I stopped drinking, but it’s been nagging lately. I appreciate you all for listening to me. I keep thinking of that one guy who commented and told me to stop complaining that one time. Always worried I’m being a burden with all my heaviness. Love y’all.
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No burden at all. Don’t ever feel like that. We’re walking along side of you and will keep you with us throughout. Hugs sweetie.
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You are not a burden knives.
Have you ever seen that activity where a small group of people surround one person, and each person uses two fingers, and together they lift that one person back up?
How in the world can we lift a full grown adult w only two fingers?
By working together. And not only that, the opportunity to work together helps us strengthen our community & our connection with the people on the team - so not only do we lift the person up (and give them the chance to do the same thing with others), but also we become better people ourselves.
In fact, you have made our lives better by giving us the chance to provide meaningful support to you. It’s us who are indebted to you, and not the other way around.
Or maybe we can scratch all this talk about burden and debt - and we can just say, Knives, you’re part of us, you belong, and so of course we want to help. It’s who we are and who we should be. And it’s who you are too.
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Knives…you are going through more right now than most people ever will. Vent away. Anyone who doesn’t want to read your posts doesn’t have to. And anyone who wants to say unkind, unhelpful things to you… well…they should just keep it to themselves.
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You’re not a burden, Knives. You’re going through so much and are accomplishing a huge task staying sober and being present for it. It must be so so hard. Sending strenght and good thoughts. 
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I will be off in august. I knew it was coming, but just wanna cry today. The prosecution is still going to suggest 6.5 and my attorneys are going to ask for 4. Send some good manifestations 
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Sending good manifestations
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Sending a big hug, Knives. 
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