Hi. I relapsed last night after getting back from hospital with Dad. My parents live in france. I’m in London but as a teacher I get out every holiday to see them. The doctor told me that there is a significant chance dad has cancer. This basically blew my world apart. He has 2 appointments on 26th and 27th and a biopsy on the 6th Jan. The cancer is suspected to be in the tonsil of all places. It then threw up the question. It got me thinking about my own life. I had been 10 days sober but got home and necked a bottle of red. It didnt do much just zombified me really. So question is: Do you a) say life is too short. May as well drink and enjoy it and go hell for leather or do you b) say life is too short to be pissed and getting over the effects of alcohol… make a bucket list and crack on sober? I had been training for the European masters athletics and today I’m siding on option b. My head tells me that alcohol costs a lot and is bad for health and stops me achieving life’s goals. I’ve reset but that’s not a big deal. If I choose option b I basically say right my love is running and travel …here are a list of races and countries I wanna visit. When or if I get to deaths door I wanna look back and say I did loads with my life rather than just got pissed every night. I guess I’ve answered my own question but any thoughts?
I’ve been back and forth in this, too. My dad is dying from throat, tongue, and mouth cancer caused by decades of raging alcoholism. I know I don’t want my kids to watch me die like that. Life is short, but it’s also too short to spend every morning ashamed and hating myself and feeling like crap. Drink can feel good in the moment, but I’ve never, even when using moderately, looked back and been happy that I drank. You said zombified. Is that what you want your highest moments to be?
I am truly sorry to hear about your dad. It’s tough to see our parents struggle.
Take care of yourself.
Thank you for your words. Good point about the highest point me being zombied out.
Option B brother. You’re a smart dude. You know alcohol can only numb the pain and ultimately eats you up on the inside literally and figuratively. Cancer is horrible, but remember there’s always a strong chance if caught early it can be battled and cast out. Stay strong my friend.
Thanks @alpine_1975 . I think so too
Condolences for this unexpected pain - I can’t imagine being confronted with that during the holidays. Therein lies the trickery with alcohol, which is the ultimate deceiver. While alcohol offers temporary respite and the illusion of letting loose and having a good time, reality waits. Remember why you have sought to get clean in the first place. It is my funny little feeling that that is your intuition gently prodding you to choose B. Shit is going to hit the fan throughout the entirety of our lives. Alcohol is pseudo comfort. But, only you know what is best for you in any given moment - how anyone handles their pain is unique to them 
one thing I try to remember when life throws those very untimely curveballs is: I want to spend the rest of my life alive (joy, tragedy, all of it). Because if you’re not present, what’s the point? Best wishes & we’re here for you!