I have a relative that is battling ED. My DOC is alcohol, so I was wondering if someone could shed some light into helping someone with ED. A few days ago, we had a zoom call and she looks like she is wasting away. Cheeks and eyes sunken into her head. Hair falling out. It’s very sad. Her parents have spoken to her but while she admits to being sick, she says it’s a medical condition that is preventing her from eating. She claims she’s under the care of a doctor but I’m not sure I believe her. Our family has confronted her several times but nothing helps. Is ED the same as alcoholism in that you need to let the person come to the realization themselves that they need help? I’m at a loss. I want to help but maybe it’s time to let go. Would greatly appreciate any insight.
Sorry to hear about your relative. I’m not sure your country, but there’s lots of organizations that also have info for friends & family. You can contact them for support and advice usually. Here’s some Canadian resources for family/friends of both youth and adults that have some info including suggested dialogue, tips etc
Oh man, I’m really sorry. I don’t really know for sure. I think with and ED, it’s a bit different than alcoholism with the help aspect. The problem with EDs though, is that help is incredibly expensive and treatment is very long. It usually requires long term inpatient treatment. I’ve done a few runs myself. It’s an incredibly complex addiction. We don’t need alcohol to survive, but we do need food. Anorexia is the most fatal mental disorder with a high mortality rate. The sooner she gets help, the better.
I’ve seen people recover, and it used to terrify me. But they seemed so happy. I’m in recovery now. I have both anorexia and bulimia. I have lost a tremendous amount of hair and it’s one of the things I’m really excited about. I miss my long pretty hair. I’ve also had a few heart attacks due to my eating disorder. I would probably lean towards getting her some help, especially now when she’s young.
This must be very painful for you to watch and my heart goes out to you. I can guarantee you that she knows she has a problem, but the solution is more terrifying than the problem.
I can tell you what does not work for me.
- when my family tries to feed me and fills my fridge with food
- when my family forces me on the scale
- when my family constantly mentions my weight
- when my family questions me and tells me " you need to get a control of this." that makes me feel very alone, it just confirms to me they have absolutley no clue what I am going through.
- meal oriented get togethers
- when people say “you look sick” or " wow you have lost a lot of weight" or " you look amazing"
The body dysmorpia that most of us have with ED is so extreme. I persoanlly do not see what you see, so any mention of appearance only draws attention to what my addict is trying to control.
I agree with Beth that help early on is important as anorexia is a killer. From experience though its like anything else we have to be willing. Sending lots of love and strength to your loved one. 
Thank you everyone. Your words of advice and kindness have helped me. She was in treatment once a few years ago and says she never wants to go back. She has two young children and I’m worried they’re going to grow up without a mother. But I guess the only thing to do is offer love and support.
I am sorry to hear that. I agree that you cannot make someone recover, and being too forceful with “help” can make someone withdraw even more. I guess she had a negative experience
of treatment, and that is why she says she never wants to go back. Does she know about ur drinking? Maybe if u open up to her about something, she will feel safer to open up herself?
Warning for those who don’t need a sad or triggering story now. I had a very complex ED for many, many years. It started early on when I was overfed and forcefed by an extremely abusive father. I turned to vegetarianism when some siblings did a competition (as meat is heavier) but that made him worse. One time I was embarrassed so bad at a buffet restaurant place when I’d finished a huge plate and he just got up ice cold and piled another. I was still young. The others left to play outside and I was there full and heart-broken hiding tears whilst some people around looked in shock and pitty, one even came over to ask if I was alright, but I said ‘yeh’ as I didn’t know any better. Not long after the very smell, mention or even thought of food made me vomit. I would taste the acid coming up and the fear would induce me to spew without food even being present. Nobody knew for 7 years as I kept it to myself in a judgemental family and opening up at school was daunting as the family moved around every couple of years. My two older sisters had bolemia for some years too, also caused by the toxic familial pressure - also kept secret, and one of them one unexpected day during a visit helped me by asking me if I’m ok as she noticed I was avoiding food, I opened up about everything and was let into their problems too and that helped. One of their tips was to look in the mirror and repeat that I love myself and am perfect, it didn’t help me as much, as my problem wasn’t self judgement as such. I overcame it gradually the less I had to do with the familial pressure. Even at 18 leaving the house to do some travelling experience in new zealand, eating together with a colleague was one of the last obstacles I had to overcome, it’s mostly gone now. I don’t know how I ever got over so many years of it, I never could have dreamed… I had many more addictions and problems during and since, just as serious. But I’m finally totally clean for once and pretty liberated by now 
After a long and hard struggle first for a conscious awakening, followed by a growth one 
I recommend opening a deep talk with her, whether there is anything bugging her in life, anything she’d like to open up about, what your opinion is and that you’re always there for her if she needs anything. Let her know these problems are NOT her fault, and usually environmentally induced! There are many websites and videos to help her understand and get out of it in time. One needs to be aware of their problems and origins before they can tackle them… 
I relate to that, it’s been many years since now, but those points were my trouble too… It was caring about my psychological wellbeing not my physical appearance that helped me. 
That’s true, it’s always easier to open up to people in similar shoes, even this app. 
Thank you for sharing your story. It really helped me understand where she may be coming from.
That’s a good idea. Maybe I’ll share my own struggle. There are so many similarities in her thinking that I can relate too. But there are also big differences that I can’t even begin to comprehend.
In my area The Emily Program is the main organization I know of and they have some really good resources on their website