My favorite place to keep my poison was downstairs in a small cabinet in my kitchen. It was always a handle of vodka. Svedka was her name. It was in plain sight. I would always keep HER in plain sight because I knew that Patrick would be checking to see how much I’ve been drinking. So I would have my '‘other’ places. The closet, in my drawers, in my bathroom under the sink… I would wake in the morning and just knowing I had HER in the cabinet made me happy to get up so that I can “start” my “productive” day?
The moment I knew I had a true problem is when I began stuttering my words, but of course I blamed it on any and everything but HER. Days for me would be waking up as early as 4 am for my morning swig. I would watch some mindless television program and then fall back to sleep until 7:30am when I wake to get my daughter off to daycare. During our morning routine I am indeed part taking in sneaking a couple more swigs. Patrick and I drop our daughter off and then I drop him off at work and head back to the house so I can continue with my affair with HER. By the middle of the day, around 2ish, I’m passed out. It got to the point in which I had to set multiple alarms so I wouldn’t be late to get our baby from daycare. I really didn’t think that anyone noticed that I drank? or how much? But THEY did. Especially Patrick.The reason I know is because even just being 9 days sober I can detect it on people, even the people that I would get drunk with before and never noticed then? Also the funny looks people would give me as I walked by them, not doubt reeking of booze.
I then started to notice that I was losing weight like crazy.I wasn’t eating. I was consistently 140-145 pounds since having my daughter in August 2019. Now I weigh between 117-121 pounds. BIG difference but yet I would blame everything else but HER.
March of 2020 was when the drinking for me hit the fan. COVID was in full force. I lost my job after four years. I didn’t know what to expect. I admit that instead of diving into my health and faith, I crumbled. I went to the liquor store immediately.I was drinking way more than before. There was not a day that passed that I did not drink. No Mixer, straight please.
Patrick and I would have big blow out fights. This would be the first time that our fights start to become physical. More on my end. There is no excuse and I won’t make one. Alcohol does nothing nice for my temper let’s put it like that. I would wake the next morning as if nothing happened and he would have a black eye. I would feel horrible, wanting him to forgive me at that very moment and things would go back to normal in minutes. That didn’t happen.
Got a new job that September. I was so excited but by this time I was so used to drinking everyday. I had to scale all the way back which I did, but that did not last. I just found new ways to hide it. Even while at work.
One day I went into my job and because I had been drinking I was so bold as to walk in and decide that I didn’t want to work that day. I asked to leave, the manager said maybe at 1pm if they were not busy. Well I didn’t want to wait and end up leaving. As I am driving home, I blacked out behind the wheel of my boyfriend’s Lifted Silver Rodo, His pride and joy. I ended up hitting the back end of a Jaguar SUV and in turn causing them to hit a Benz. WOW! I was so confused when they were banging on my window to get my attention. I was so thankful that they were minor damages and no one was physically injured. I didn’t get charged for drinking because nobody noticed. I made up a story about my health and that I was on a new medication (which was true) but I had no business drinking while taking it. The police wrote up the accident, Patrick came to the scene and I was taken to the hospital. While I was sleeping the doctor told him that I was highly intoxicated. I was grossly embarrassed. Did this stop me from drinking? Nope!
Things went back to our normal.
I ended up getting another job so now I work two jobs. I ended up losing the first job because I gave a shot to an employee that used to work there and was caught. I was kind of relieved because I hated it there. The second job I was there for about 3 months and was let go because they had scheduling issues, this time it wasn’t my fault. Now fast forward, I now work at a Restaurant and Bar. Do I like it? NO but for now I have to make money.
June 30, 2022 everything changed.
My Grandmother’s Molly Jewel passed away and I was unable to attend the funeral due to work. Usually we celebrate the 4th of July in Michigan but because of her sudden passing, my Parents invited everyone to their home in Chicago.
I booked a flight to go. I wasn’t going to miss my family coming together this time.
June 30th me and the kids headed to the airport. I made sure we had everything packed and ready. I checked all the boxes to make sure we had everything, my Son, my Daughter, Myself and HER. A water bottle full of Vodka and we were off to the airport. We checked our luggage and I told my son to wait while I used the restroom. I had the bottle in my daughter’s baby bag. I took 2 or 3 BIG gulps, trying to get as much down as possible before we got to the checkpoint. While in line I was so bold that I pulled the bottle out and drank more before tossing it because I knew that they would check the bottle even though I had a baby bag. I really didn’t care if anyone smelled me. We found our gate. I was a little annoyed because it was too early for me to buy any booze. That sucked. I don’t normally drink at my parents house so I had to just deal with it. I noticed that my hands were increasingly shaky and I was not feeling too well at all. My little sister noticed the shakiness in my hands and asked me about it. I was honest, I really didn’t know because even though I have had shaky hands before, this time was different. I thought maybe I was coming down with something? That night I went to bed to be awakened to me throwing up. It was bad. Yellow stuff was coming up. Cold sweat, dizziness. I fell back to sleep and woke up that morning feeling horrible. This part for me gets foggy so I am going off some of what I remember and what I was told…
I came down stairs, my little sister and Mother were in the kitchen. I went to get something out of the refrigerator and this is where the story is in the hands of my family… I was having a seizure from withdrawal . My Mother called the ambulance. I was told that I was foaming from the mouth and unresponsive. This made me extremely sad because my family was so scared, including my kids and my twin sister who stayed with me at the hospital the whole time. I never heard of having a seizure from drinking. I knew I drank a lot but I didn’t realize it had gotten that bad. I knew that this for me was my BOTTOM.
July 1st 2022 marks the first day of my sobriety.
I returned to Florida knowing in the back of my mind that I had an almost full Liter of Vodka under my little cabinet. Together with Patrick standing right there to be a witness, I poured the entire bottle down the drain. I vow to never disrespect my body and mind in that way again. My family is the air I breathe. I am now focused on getting to know ME. The sober and REAL Me. I’m pretty DOPE!
I don’t know about you, but when I wrote my bio on here it was the first time I wrote it all down. I cried my freaking eyes out! I can feel the pain and emotion in your post. You are very brave and strong. Congrats on your sobriety 
You will do great. Read more on here and ask questions. I’m so glad you found us!!