You son of a bitch. When I tried you 6 years ago I didn’t expect to be where I am today but I’m here. I had the foolish mindset of thinking I was too smart to get addicted, that I could stop whenever I wanted, and that my world wasn’t slowly falling apart all around me while I pretended like it wasn’t. But nay - you were sneaky and seductive and I was all too eager to give in.
Over the course of 6 years, I hid my usage of you well. No one knew until cops came to me and my fiance’s home to evict us because I spent all my money on you in lieu of paying the mortgage for the past 6 months. I had to come clean and confess my love for you, there was no way I could lie my way out of that one. And just like that, in the blink of eye, the man I’ve loved for the last 7 years and was to marry left me, and so did his family. I don’t have parents, so his family became my family.
I want to blame you for taking literally everything from under my feet that mattered to me. I want to blame you like it’s your fault that I would be married right now with an adopted child living a happy solid life if I didn’t try you 6 years ago. I want to blame you, I want to blame my dealer for selling you to me, I want to blame that eviction cop for exposing that I loved you, I want to blame everyone and everything but myself. Because if I do take the blame, it becomes all too real that I failed as a partner, brother, friend, grandson, human - and that’s very difficult for me to accept.
So let’s share the blame. You and I ruined my life entirely. I had it. I had IT.
And to think all I had to do was simply not try you that one day 6 years ago and I wouldnt be alone in this small apartment at 11pm writing this today.
I hope my hate for you will be the fuel that I need to be done with you and never see you again.
To Jake, my ex fiance, I’m still sorry. I’ll grieve us forever, and I hope someday I can forgive myself for ruining our future. But most of all I hope you’re happy and are still able to trust people after what meth and I did.
I’ll love you always.
Welcome to the site @Volleyballey !
Your hate and anger towards your addiction will help you get away from it.
Forgive yourself as you’re able to.
Lots of support here for you at this site. Read the threads, join in, one day at a time, don’t use.
Let us know how you’re doing.
Again, welcome.
Welcome 
. It sounds like you have lost a lot. That is hard. I hope you can move forward and build a new life free of addiction. Where are you in your recovery right now?
Everyone pays a different price for addiction.
Yours is heavy, for sure.
Keep moving forward.
Thank you!!
I am one day. I’m sure every addict says this, but this time feels like “the one” where itll work. Who knows. Thanks for the welcome!
Welcome Dillon, big hugs from me, this is a great community, no judgement we are all in this together, im sorry for all your going through but you can beat this…keep venting and have a good read around youl find alot of support and people who really understand 
wow man, this was heart wrenching. thank you so much for your brilliant share - so raw, so human, so full of courage. im proud of you for taking accountability, even though it must hurt so much! most -if not all of us- in this community have to live with the devastating outcomes of our DOC (drug of choice) - there is a path forward, there is grace and forgiveness, there is a new life to build & the only way to build it is sober & that takes immense strength and vulnerability, which you clearly have both of. we are in this together. so glad you’re here brother. 
And one time, it will be. 
You have it in your power to make it this time.
What a powerful share. I am glad you are here with us on our journey of building a new life free of the chains of addition. Welcome!