Hi all, my name is Dan. Just signed up to try get a little motivation to stay sober. First time in any forum. I’ve been a recreational drug and alcohol user from around the age of 14 (much more fun back then). Started with cigarettes, then alcohol, weed, speed, cocaine, ecstasy and mushrooms. Ended up depressed at 18 from taking to much ecstasy. I’m 100% undiagnosed ADHD and I’m unsure if this is me self medicating to try and silence the thoughts or calm me down. Worked well! Until it doesn’t…
I’m now 38 and feel like shit most of the time. Still occasionally going back to weed, drink 3/4 times a week moderate to not so moderate, take cocaine every other weekend and constantly vaping high strength nicotine. My health isn’t to great, I’m running a business, married with two kids, both doing great and never neglected but my drinking and impulsiveness has impacted on them. My oldest son is 16 and sees the stupid shit I do and finds it funny.
I’m worried I’m going to die and not see them grow.
I have bad anxiety and mild depression. I don’t want medication for this though as I feel more meds make things worse, or has in the past.
I had about 12 pints yesterday, 3 glasses of wine and a few whiskys, 1 crystal vape bar and a gram of cocaine and I fucked up another weekend and I’m feeling pretty shit about it. I’m sick of lying to myself and my loved ones.
I want to be sober all the time. The thought of never having another drink doesn’t scare me, I have zero impulse control and this is the reason I shouldn’t. The problem is when I’m sober I feel so good I drink and take drugs to keep the good feelings going. I’ve had amazing days with friends that have ended with me sitting on the sofa snorting cocaine on my own to keep it going.
Hopefully, I can check back next Sunday and feeling a little more positive with no drink or drugs.
Welcome and congratulations for reaching out. Your story sounds very familiar both as there are similarities with mine and also because I have heard similar things from others on this application and in meetings.
Regarding ADHD- a side effect of untreated ADHD is substance abuse. However a side effect of substance abuse is seeking out ADHD medication. So my doctor required me to take the full 6-8 hour neurologist exam to get a solid determination if this was something I had. We didn’t do the exam until I had about a year of sobriety under my belt. I am very grateful my doctor took this approach. He didn’t dismiss my concerns as drug seeking yet he wouldn’t pursue it until some solid sobriety was under my belt. I was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated. I have never once abused the medication.
It seems like you have a solid brain still. You can turn this ship around and your brain can make a full recovery. Your liver will also repair itself if it isn’t too far gone. You can definitely do this and you have a happy life on the other side. It’s so worth it.
Greetings from another Dan - us Dan’s are the awesomest dudes on Talking Sober!
My experience was maybe more “typical” - lots of legal, family and job consequences that I just kept drinking right over top of. But what matters is this:
That is a powerful motivator. And you will need to return to that motivation time and again in the upcoming days and weeks.
When I got sober, I threw everything at it, I got on medication, I had mandatory sobriety check-ins, I went to AA and counseling. You’ve identified some underlying issues in yourself, and I’m sure you will be tending to those as well.
Welcome to Talking Sober. Check out the solutions available here and cultivate your willingness to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober. And by the way, the rewards of sobriety have come to me in ways I did not even consider back in my drinking days. It is worth it, hands down, every time.
Hey Matt and Dan, I never thanked you for your response last week. I was in a bit of a state and opening up to people and getting back so quickly was invaluable. Thanks for the advice, I’m going to book an appointment with the doc next week and get the ball rolling with adult mental health services. I think the waiting list is over a year but it gives me time to work through some issues.
I hope this is the start of something for me. Thanks again for helping me get the ball rolling. 1 week in.
No sweat on response times. But I appreciate you getting back to me. If you are ever feeling like hurting yourself or others please tell the scheduling personnel. When I first started seeing a psychologist (talk therapy, no meds) I was going to be scheduled a couple months out. I told the scheduling person that I was having suicidal thoughts and was concerned I may act on them prior to my appointment. I was then given a priority appointment and saw the psychologist that same week. I continued to see him for about a year and a half at varying frequencies. This was a big part of my early sobriety. It eventually gave me courage and will to go to my first AA meeting. The AA meetings gave me what I was getting out of the psychologist appointments and more for free.
So glad you’re getting an appointment!! As someone who drank to drown anxiety, getting help from a psychologist and therapist has helped me immeasurably. As has this forum, online recovery meetings too. Welcome to the community!!
@KeepMovingForward I’ve never been suicidal or self harmed or hurt anyone not consciously anyway. My erratic behaviour has lead me down some harmful paths and I know if I don’t sort this out it’s not going to be a long life. Certainly not a happy one and death does frighten me. I get what your saying though. I am apprehensive about AA but I’ll do whatever it takes, I’m going to schedule a date and go for it.
Thanks @Davina_Davis I’m glad you got the help you needed. And I think you’re right, support is definitely what I’m needing. This forum is incredible. I googled alcohol day counter I now have this incredible community full of wonderful people at my finger tips.
@Brian1965uk I’ll do my best to keep it up. Appreciated mate🙏
@Soberbilly. Well done on your two years! It’s inspiring for me man. And your supportive comments really gets to me. I’m nervous for the future but also positive that I’m now on a path that I wasn’t before.
Thats helpful Brian, getting pissed off at alcohol for all the time lost. I kept myself fit for years and was kind of controlling the booze and substances but the last few years I’ve struggled with everything… stress, drink, drugs and lack of fitness. Perfect time of year to sort my shit out, stop making excuses and lace up my shoes. Is it cycling you’re into?
Excellent. An hour is a huge improvement…I’m up in north Perthshire. Spoilt for choice for trails. That was my thing for years. Then my dog got to old to run and I changed jobs, in came the stress and I never got back to it. Might start with a gentle jog soon, maybe park run. That’s good to hear about your arthritis…another reason to be pissed of at the booze!
