I started drinking and drugging at a young age, kinda screwed up my brain I think as it seems as if my brain has kinda blocked out some parts of my life. I’m here for PMO. It’s been something I can’t kick. Any advice would be helpful! I’m 39 with a 10 year old amazing boy and I’m married. 
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Welcome Lippy! 
My name is Matt and I am also recovering from PMO. There’s a bunch of us here, so you’re not alone.
There’s lots of experience, stories, and resources here for people trying to kick PMO. If you search “PMO” in the search bar you’ll find a long list of threads.
In my own experience it is taking time to unravel the unmet needs I’ve been masking with PMO. These include ADHD and (possibly - I’m being assessed now) depression, both of which are conditions that get masked by the dopamine rush of addiction. (Whether it’s alcohol, opioids, meth, porn/masturbation, or a million other things, what they all have in common is that dopamine kick.) I am learning a lot every day. Sometimes it feels overwhelming but you stick with it and you grow.
I’ve been accessing support. I joined a sex addiction recovery group in my city and there I made friends in group, had counselling that addressed my situation, and also worked on my marriage. PMO has eroded intimacy in our relationship and there is work to do rebuilding it. To be honest, I’m not sure I’ve ever really understood intimacy or practiced it, with my wife or anyone I’ve previously been in a long term relationship with. I am learning a lot about intimacy.
For me, one of my key goals is to have a healthier, more caring and committed relationship with myself. I need to care for myself, in healthy ways, get the rest, mental balance, and social support I need to feel like I belong and I’m grounded. With that, I think I can move on to other, more interpersonal tasks.
Do you have some goals in mind for yourself?
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Thank you so much for your reply. I will definitely search the PMO in the search bar. I’m in another sober app but to be honest I feel like it might be hindering me more than helping. I guess my goals really is just to get back closer to God and not really struggle with this. I know that when I’m walking close with him I don’t feel the need to do this. It’s just when I allow myself to talk to people and really it can be anyone then this type of stuff creeps in. I have had people randomly message me on Facebook and just said that they could see it in my eyes that I would be open to this kind of talk. It’s almost like I would have to crawl into a hole to avoid it.
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My husband knows about my addiction but he chooses to basically ignore it and I guess pretend that it’s not there. He’s really good about sleeping stuff under the rug and just hoping to move forward. The thing is I don’t think Sweeping it under the rug is the right way to go. I feel like it’s kind of left me to struggle with it on my own.
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It’s hard, I know. I have also struggled with PMO and my faith. It has felt at times like I live two different lives.
I take comfort in knowing that the universe is our classroom and this universe is for us to learn. The universe includes free will - we’re all free to make choices. As long as I have a choice I have something to work for, something to live for: and we always, always have a choice.
Don’t despair. You have what you need to climb this mountain. You will find your path and your support if you keep searching.
It sounds like you feel unseen at times in your struggle. That’s a lonely feeling. My wife also struggles to understand it, but she has learned a lot; she joined a partners group - spouses of six addicts in recovery - and for her that has made a huge difference in understanding.
I am assuming you’re a woman (though correct me if I’m wrong, that’s no problem! 
). For women there are some different social expectations and pressures, and in some places it’s a different path than a heterosexual man like me. However - there are many women around the world who are walking a path to sobriety from PMO, and finding the support they need (some of these women you’ll find by searching “PMO” here - they have their own threads), and you can do it yourself as well.
For me, accessing a dedicated sex / porn / sexual acting out support group was key. (There’s not much difference psychologically between “acting out” physically in a hotel room and acting out over the internet, so the support is very similar.) Like many addictions, it helps to have support. It’s lonely and discouraging without people who really understand. More than that though, there are valuable insights in the programs at these groups, and members learn a lot. Both women and men participate in these groups. Some are women only, some are men only, you can find them by searching.
There’s a good post of sex addict recovery support groups here:
Note that these include groups like “S-Anon”, which is designed for partners of sex addicts, to help them develop their own healthy strategies. (Something to keep in mind if/when your husband starts asking questions.)
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The workbooks we’ve studied in my sex / porn addiction recovery groups have been by Patrick Carnes. I really like them. I think he understands the double life feeling and he’s done a lot of work helping people recover from their addictions and live more in sync with their values.
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Welcome! This group has been helpful for me and I hope it will be for you as weel.
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Thank you so much! You have been crazy helpful! Yes I am a woman lol. Yes that is some thing that I have dealt with a lot is feeling like I’m leading a double life. And I hate that because the Bible says don’t be double minded. I am a Christian and I love the Lord but if I’m honest this has been very hard for me to break. I would definitely search everything you’ve told me.
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Good for you Lippy. You will find what you need.
Our key achievement in life is to belong. We humans need to belong. We need to belong to a community, to a group.
The thing about belonging is it takes a leap of faith. Belonging is where you jump from what you know and have done - your past - into what you become, by joining a community. It’s a leap.
The phrase “don’t be double minded” is very meaningful. I don’t think it means like a light switch though. It’s not like “click” and all wandering thoughts disappear. That’s a mechanical concept - and we’re not mechanical beings.
We’re organic beings. We grow, we weave in and out, we reach and wrap and thrive and recoil. We behave organically, like plants.
For me, not being double minded is about choosing each day to belong, to my community, to my family, to my path, etc - to whichever group or journey I am choosing. That choice is my mind. You can’t ever make two choices: you can’t choose to go both left and right. So as soon as you make your choice for the day, you are choosing your one mind.
You got this Lippy.
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Thank you. I have tried that the past two days and have ended up failing both times. I’m just very weak these days and I know I need to come out of it being a Christian and I know that I need to repent. What I don’t know is how I keep failing and how to start again, and how to STAY stopped. I may have a bit of love addiction in there because once they say that is hard for me to leave.
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That’s very common. The pseudo-intimacy of an online or in-person fling standing in when we’re starved of real intimacy. We can go years or decades without real intimacy, often without realizing it, the whole time starving and desperate inside. It’s no wonder it pops up in our behaviour.
That daily struggle is real. The voice whispering, ‘It’s fine, just do it, you can start up again tomorrow.’ That voice is strong, especially in the early days.
Right now you’re in a hole and you’re just starting to see the light. You know you need to climb out of the hole but you need to have support to get out (just like someone throwing down a rope). The sides of the hole are muddy, slippery. It’s hard to get your footing alone.
Have you considered joining a group? There are many Christian women who struggle with sex / porn / love addiction (search and you’ll find many resources). There are also women-only programs for love addiction recovery, for example this one which meets every day:
There’s an intro meeting tonight. Call in! What do you have to lose? Nothing really. What do you have to gain? A lot. The minimum you’ll get is you’ll learn about yourself and about an option for getting out of the hole.
Celebrate Recovery is another option. That is a Christian program. It is for recovery from a range of addictions, including sex and love addiction. And with the Christian perspective, the path may feel familiar to you.
You have nothing to lose but your shame and hiding. You’ve been hiding for years. Come out, come up - you deserve to walk in the light, to see the sky, to feel the warmth.
You’re a good person. You’re a worthy person. You’re a creature of God. You always have been and you always will be. You are a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.