I’ll have 130 days tomorrow! I don’t want to pick up, like at all, but I’m falling back into the familiar depression that went hand in hand with my active addiction. I’m sad and unmotivated, though not complacent in my recovery. Still doing IOP and meetings, speaking and participating in them, my mental health is just back on the decline. I’m taking my medication and speaking with my therapist as often as possible, but I’m struggling to even get out of bed to shower.
I’m writing my letter to the judge about my character and the accident, and that is draining and emotionally taxing. I’ve hit a wall with that. I hate being reminded of my mistakes and what I’ve done and it makes me want to wallow.
There’s a lot of uncertainty in my future.
Not knowing about prison or the length of such, in an uncertain romantic relationship with someone I deeply love, but may lose at any moment, uncertain of who I even am anymore. Prison is fast approaching and the seasons are changing and life is carrying on while I get to hurry up and wait to stagnate. It’s hard to find things to look forward to or be happy about. I’m doing my best to take things one day at a time and find something to be grateful for in the moment, but intrusive thoughts are ever present. I have struggled with suicidal ideation my entire life and that is always looming in the back of my mind. I’m just not sure what to do to get back out of this familiar hole of depression.
I am, and I repeat it frequently. My anxiety brain likes to immediately finish it and go right back to future trippin. I take A LOT of medication for my brain but it’s always trying to sabotage me. I’m constantly fighting it and it’s incredibly exhausting.
Back in my early 20’s, and again since taking up martial arts in my 50’s, I have had about 20 amateur fights. In every one of them there’s a point in which you have to bite down on my mouth guard, dig deep, and keep swinging, when all you want is for the bell to ring. But you don’t. You fight until the fight is over.
Now is the time to bite down on your mouth guard and dig deep. Your freedom and future depends on it.
That’s an apt analogy. I really am trying my best and pushing harder than I ever have, but that familiar pull to give up is familiar and beckoning. I know I’ll get through it, but there’s so many weights around my ankles slowing me down. I’m gonna do it, but at a pretty big cost emotionally. It fucking HURTS.
Ooooh yeah. I’m familiar with the sad showers. I’m so depressed I haven’t changed the lightbulb in my bathroom for weeks so most of my showers consist of me sitting on the floor of the shower in the dark lolol. I’m trying to occupy. Meetings 4 days.
Hey there, I have found meditation and sensory mindfulness helpful on any given day, especially when I’m feeling melancholy or even worse with disturbing thoughts. All the best to you
All great suggestions. I cannot even begin to imagine how your feeling. That must really suck. You got 130 great sober clean days under your belt. You’re tougher than you probably give yourself credit for. In between biting down on that mouth guard, reciting the serenity prayer and exercising and meditating remember to just breathe.
I like to inhale really big through the nose and think or say to myself CALM then long exhale through the mouth.
Then again big Inhale through the nose think or say PEACEFUL long exhale through the mouth.
Big Inhale again say or think TRANQUIL long exhale.
One more time inhale think or say RELAX long exhale.
Repeat as necessary. It doesn’t take long. Even doing it only once can ground me.
Hang in there.
You using “apt” just made my night. I love words.
I hear you. I don’t have the same life or emotions exactly - but I know how it feels to be lost and not to know what will happen next. I had an outburst tonight at home that at first I thought was anger but I realized I was actually terrified of what I didn’t know. Like, what am I if I am not this? What’s my worth? Where am I going?
The scope of what we don’t know is… overwhelming. It’s enormous. It’s a weight we carry.
I worry I may be rambling a bit. But I hear your voice in the darkness. It is clear. It is reaching us. And your voice will always be with you. And I am grateful and honoured and happy that you shared it with us today. Thanks 
Not rambling at all. I completely get it. When I let my mind wander that’s usually where it goes; stuck in the turmoil of fear and frustration of the unknown and things out of my control. It’s an unrelenting cycle.
Thank you for hearing me. 
My pleasure. Take care. You’re going through a lot. Anyone would feel it if they were in your shoes (all a little different but we’d all feel it). Trust your heart here. Not your brain so much, with all its negative self talk - the cognition. Instead, trust your heart here. She is deep and rich and she is like a compass - she knows true north. Try to settle and tune in to her.
I hope that doesn’t sound too nutty take care - and be as kind with yourself as you are with the people you love.
I tried and slipped…yeah just stand under the flow of the water and allow your mind to disappear. If you’re clumsy like I am…light a candle.
You’re very sweet and I really appreciate that sentiment more than you know. Thank you.
Hi pal! Just wanna say that I hear you. I can get stuck sometimes on future trippin.
Serenity prayer helps. Prayer in general helps. Especially when I’m driving. I can have a whole conversation with my higher power while driving.
There was a dude around that was in a similar situation as yours. With a sentence looming.
His name is @MrCade. It might be worth looking back at some of his post.
Hang in there man. Life throws a lot at us. I’m struggling with this Covid shit. Lost my career, and scared for what the future holds, the depression of being locked in my own home. Some how things always work out, just don’t lose sobriety, shit would be a lot worse then.
Wow, yeah. Reading his last post was really helpful for me today. Thank you for mentioning that. I’m not so much struggling with the acceptance of having to go to prison, it’s just so much harder to accept the loss and magnitude of that loss.
Feeling a bit better today, appreciate everyone’s kind words and support. Out of bed and coffee before 10am 
Thanks brother. Things will all work out, everyone is sort of stuck wondering wtf is going on
I suppose maybe I’ll just comment here instead of making a new post every time I’m FUCKING miserable (which is often)
I feel like shit today. Cravings are usually at bay but today they are a real dick. Probably doesn’t help that I put myself in situations where people aren’t using, but I know there are drugs around me. I want company because I’m feeling depressed and suicidal, but my main closest friend I’ve had for years happens to sell drugs. I have borderline so I think of things very black and white; all good or all bad. Today feels all bad and I have a major case of the ‘fuckitz’ I made a minor mistake yesterday that has me feeling like shit about myself. Feeling loss and regret hard today and feeling so overwhelmed and so… lost and lonely. I want to go home but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t have much of a support system right now.
You’re not alone here. We hear ya
It’s good that you recognize the “fuckitz”. That means you’ve labelled it - and anything you label, you can let it pass.
If your friend is a dealer… that is rough. Is that friendship based on more than just drugs? (or situations related to drugs)
Stay safe, stay grounded. Leave early if you need to; go somewhere sober like a… library maybe, or anywhere that’s the opposite of drugs. Maybe stay in & read here on Talking Sober 
We’re here with you. You’re not alone. You’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life.