I have always vee slightly reclusive and embarrassed about opening up even to random people as yourselves out of a feeling of minimal self control. Makes me feel weak to not be able to control my own mind. I just joined yesterday, and I started drinking again according to my normal habit after less than a day. I do mentally want to fix things, but I don’t know how to properly get out of the habit of it. Would definitely appreciate any advice. In the last ten years I have made it no more than 24 hours on rare occasions. I’m sick and disgustingly tired of it. I have destroyed every relationship and want to be good to people again, and also to myself. I know I am a coward and continuously fail. I want to be a good person again. The habit just overwhelms me. I am more than capable of realizing all of the negative effects alcohol has had in my life, and it has had many. Would love somebody to talk and relate to. I’m sick and tired. Cats!!!
Ive done some pretty fucked up shit in my day but I dont think im a bad person. Misguided and impulsive yeah probably but thats half the fun. What Im getting at is you are a good person. When you said you wanted to be that again that proved that you know what that is and that you are capable of it. Its a litle buddhist but its a good foundation. Just like admitting you have a problem is the first step, the first step to being a good person is admittig you are and then go from there. Paint the fence, daniel-san. (Karate kid)
This is only my opinion. But I have been in the same boat as you. I would say before I started recovery I wouldn’t go without a drink for more than a day or two. If you feel you have run out of options and don’t know what to do and have a good enough insurance plan I would recommend just a short stay at a hospital detox. Maybe that’s what you need to get those initial first days under your belt because you will be forced to stay sober there and you can get through the worst withdrawals safely and under medical supervision. That’s just my input. Glad you joined the forum 
I’m pretty embarrassed about opening up too more in person than online. I feel ur pain lol
I agree and I’m proud of u for stepping into this forum and spilling ur concerns we all have been there and I believe its great advice to do a short detox but I would strongly recommend a 30 day inpatient program if u have private insurance or Medicade go to meetings get a sponsor and get some information on how this works for each one of us AA has given me a foundation for living my life sober it didn’t get me sober so get these tools that are so freely given to us all
@KahLevel86 welcome! You’re not a bad person, you have a disease. We’ve all been where you are. This addiction likes to tell us we’re not important, that we need to drink, that we don’t deserve better. That’s pure bs. Give yourself a chance. You don’t have to feel like this anymore. We’ll love you and help you until you can learn to love yourself. We’re all here for the same purpose, to recover and live sober from a cunning and baffling addiction…one day (and sometimes one moment) at a time.
Karate kid! Yes! Haha. Thank you though.
Well thanks for the kind advice. Definitely helps to have people to relate to.
Hey, you are not a coward! This is hard stuff and guess what, you came to the right place! You can not do this alone, Everytime I tried I failed. I think about drinking every night, I actually crave it, to numb myself, to wash away feelings with the buzz feeling of drinking but it took me hitting rock bottom before I had the courage to stop. Now I try to replace the drinking feeling with the amazing feeling of working out so hard I get a natural endorfen high and the feeling of cleaniness with a really hard sweat. Then at night I drink sleepy time tea, melotonin and just try to get to a natural calm state, and then talk to people on this forum.
Hope that helps, rooting for you! You can break free and transform your life…
Blessings to you,
Lisa
I meant to say in my paragraph to you, is you can’t do this alone. You should absolutely come here and talk.
Thanks. It can be tough I guess because I was always such a self motivated person. Feels like being defeated. You’re right though. I have decided to check myself into a rehab. Extremely nervous. Social anxiety issues and panic disorder minus alcohol… Hah. I know many other people who use have similar mental hurdles to overcome. Hope I can teach myself to handle anxiety without using a substance. Scary right?
I am very proud if you for this decision @KahLevel86. So so so so proud. I could never check myself into rehab. It was always someone else who had to find me a mess and then persuade me to against my will. No need to be scared at all. Iv gone through treatment centers 3 times now. If anything its a small vacation from this crazy world where you can work on yourself for a while without any distractions. You will meet people in there who are going through the same shit and probably even worse (I garuntee that actually). Goodluck and write us as soon as you can :))
Don’t worry, I have such anxiety I have a driver for my kids. I hate crowds and I start panicking at night alot, and yes I feel like what is happening to me. I use to have everything under control, I could surf all day and drink all night dancing with my friends but I probably just " thought" I had everything under control, we seem to like to tell ourselves what we want to hear. It was and is humiliating when someone else tells you and that is when you become stone cold sober and it hurts, and you feel vulnerable"yes" so vulnerable and you think wait why are they judging me. The reality and truth sets in and you can realize the alcohol actually has had the control, we just " think" we are in control. The biggest problem is, is that years down the road you start aging, getting older and you will realize the party is over and you have to face what you are and where are you at this point and is it what you thought. Don’t worry about rehab, it’s hard but it will shake you to your core if you can do it and stick to it.
Keep talking to people on the forum and people who want to encourage you and build you up. That is what will help get you by one more sober day.
Take care and good luck
Hello and good on you for starting to change. Have you thought about talking to a medical professional? There are some medications that can help with the physical dependence. Just are thought.