Wow. That’s the first time that I’ve actually said that aloud (I said it while I typed it- and that’s a step!). I was always afraid of alcohol as a child, father is an alcoholic and was abusive, and there is a high percentage of “functioning” alcoholics in my family. As I grew up and started drinking later in life, I became increasingly uncomfortable w my relationship w alcohol but justified it bc I didn’t drink everyday but was unable to predict when I would be fine drinking and when it would be a disaster. Fast forward to present day and I found this app/site.
I thank the people on this site that have been so honest by discussing the mind games we play, and continue to lose, with ourselves and question, “am I really an alcoholic?” or is it just me “messing w my mind”. Welcome to every alcoholic’s favorite game, The Second Guessing Yourself Gameshow, where everyone wins a relapse!
This just happened to me and I fell for the “I’ll
Just have 1-2”… on an empty stomach… and a triggering/high stakes emotional day… and then the demons came. I had a relapse and put myself in a precarious position that I would have never done if I were sober. I even caught myself telling myself that it wasn’t so bad bc I didn’t black out and remembered. If that has become my likert scale of rating a good vs bad drinking experience then yes, I have a problematic relationship w alcohol and therefore am a recovering alcoholic.
I’m so happy that I found this forum and am actually crying as I write this. I went sober after splitting from my daughters father about 4 years ago bc I knew I would slip super hard (and fast) down that slippery slope. I was sober for 2yrs and thought I was ready and in a better mental space and tried drinking again.
Here we are about 2.5yrs later and I’ve gone back and forth w intermittent spurts of trying sobriety and falling victim to the mind games. Overall- I never end up liking the person i become and the choices I make, but the worst of it all is the embarrassment I feel inside for myself. I’ve been lucky to not have to suffer from any public embarrassment or any serious consequences, but as I’m sure u may unfortunately know, the mirror test does it for me every time. If I can’t look myself in the eye in the mirror then what am I doing? Who am I and who do I want to be?
I want to be the best me for her.