Hi Isela,
Welcome to the club! I am also a recovering sex addict - but more in the unrealistic sense - self-gratification and high speed internet porn! I am still a virgin (in my body) but can say that I’m totally NOT a virgin (in my mind!).
I have never had sex with a real woman - but have done way too much porn and M.
My dad passed away when I was 7 years old, this created a lot of hurt in my life and I have felt insecure from a young age and was verbally abused at school for many years and faced a load of rejection in my life - porn and M was my “painkiller” and I reverted to it whenever I felt depressed / angry/ bored/frustrated/hurt! I derived some form of “love/acceptance” from the fake makeup caked acting women in those pictures and videos! It’s all fake and I actually hate porn! I hate what it does to me! I hate the lows afterwards! I hate the shame, the self-hate, the detachment from reality and the guilt and cycle of addiciton and bondage. On top of it all I am a Christian and a hypocrite who wants to get free from sin! This thing destroys my life and I want to get free from it and help others to become free too! I strated my own support group here: https://talkingsober.com/t/porn-addiction-recovery/29825/51
Feel free to join us.
Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you get free!