Hi. My name's Jessica, and I'm and addict

Hi. As it states. I am Jessica. I am currently 14.35 days clean of heroin according to this app. I am really struggling with cravings and now my underlying anxiety issue. My clean date is 11.7.20.

I’m so proud of myself but I am also so frustrated because I am struggling so much since leaving detox. I wanted to go into rehab but absolutely no one will take me with my health issues. It was a 100 steps back moment for me as I was dead set. I am now waiting on my outpatient appt Monday where my previous MAT doc is pushing Suboxone down my throat. As I am clean clean Suboxone will only be possible if I have an opiate tolerance. I’m not willing to go back down that road. I’m finding it hard to find joey in absolutely anything including spending time with my children. Well child. My oldest has set some very reasonable boundaries for me right now which I am accepting. I seem to be having these deeply intense cravings which lead to all out panic attacks because I am fighting them so hard.

Is there anyone out there struggling like me? I want this so bad. But I also am an addict. Forever will be. I hate myself that I still miss that feeling. The calm sense that took over for me. Please tell me this gets easier. My longest clean time was 8 months with Suboxone.

13 Likes

Welcome Jessica, and congrats with 2 weeks ! Well done :slight_smile:

1 Like

Thank you!!! I wish I didn’t having cravings as severe still but it’s multiple times thru the day and night. And does anyone struggle with dreams where they almost use?

1 Like

Prepare for mornings waking up pissed and disappointed, for in a dream it didn’t end with “almost” !
Most experience using dreams, perfectly normal. And a relief once you realise it was just a dream :wink:

1 Like

Welcome Jessica. Congrats on 2 weeks, that’s an awesome accomplishment. Try to keep busy during those cravings. They won’t last forever. I took so many walks during early sobriety that even the dog was tired of walking. I also spent a lot of time on this forum and going to meetings. I went to IOP after detox which was a big help. Between working full-time, IOP and walks, I didn’t have much time to think about using. Do you have any hobbies? If not, maybe try new things. I found myself doing legos and puzzles with my daughter, something I never considered when I was high. She loved all the time we were spending together. Anyway, I wish you the best and we’re all here for you.

I still have using dreams once in a while after a year of sobriety

2 Likes

Hi Jessica and welcome,
My addiction is alcohol. Yes, those dreams are called relapse dreams. I’ts normale I’m affraid. I do not like them either, but the good thing is there not real!
So when you realize it’s just a dreams you are still clean! That’s the good part!
Congratulations with your almost 15 clean days! That’s great! Keep up adding those days, it will become easier after a while!

1 Like

Hi and welcome to the forum Jessica. Wow, two weeks is amazing, well done!

The thing is, Jessica that your underlying anxiety issues won’t get better if you use. I also suffered from horrible anxiety for a couple of years, and I always felt as if drinking gave me a calm. But the drinking made it worse. I am now 5 months sober and I don’t have almost any anxiety. I never thought it would get like this.

I am also an insomniac, but 5 months in now, and I sleep better than I ever have. I still struggle, and I still have a lot of nightmares and I also have relapse dreams, but I still sleep way better than I ever did when using. Drinking and using drugs made me feel as if I slept better because I didn’t wake up so much, but I was always drowsy waking up, feeling tired and exhausted during the days. My body has only ad 5 months to heal from 10 years of drinking and using, so I am looking forward to it getting even better in the future.

It does get better Jessica, and it does get easier. But you have to endure the initial phases.

What could help? Exercising, eating sweets or eating healthy, going to 12 step meetings, taking naps, going for walks?

1 Like

Hi everyone. I´m Daniel. I´m from Colombia so my English is not good yet. I´m still learning.
By the way, I´m 36 years old. I´m a veterinarian and I´m alcoholic. I started to drink long time ago, perhaps when I was 13. The reason was that this bad habit sadly is common in my family. My father and grandfather drank a lot (they died although for other reasons). I recognized my issu many years ago but just a couple year ago I decided to stop. At the beginning I had bad dreams, It was not easy but then nightmares were gone. Nowday, I have been drinking less than the past but my got is don´t drink anymore. Maybe, just a beer some times but not more. Greetings from Colombia.

3 Likes

Welcome! This is a great place.