OMG, I thought I wrote this! I’m the exact same way. I had to put myself in a day program (Intensive Out Patient) and right now that’s helping me stay accountable. I still struggle and had a rough patch today. I too struggle with the “happy” and talked about it yesterday in group. Didn’t get much feedback, but I want you to know you’re not the only one. Currently I’m on my 11th day with no alcohol. Wish I could provide some advice, but I’m in the same boat as you, looking for the same suggestions. You’ve done it before and can do it again, I do know that…and so do you. We’re our worst enemy. Drinking to me is a symptom of something else that I need to address and tend to. I do agree it’s a disease we now face. There’s work to do. Stay strong, you got this… probably more than you know. But don’t do it alone!!!
My struggle! I drink when I am happy and at home. So tough to get through this when you can’t really cut your home life out of your life. I kept that pattern up for months now, knowing I should quit and not being able to get past a few days. I struggled thru the first week and then it seemed to build momentum. Just don’t give up!
You can do it again! You’re doing it right now, you’ve already started 
And you’re already ahead of those sitting on a bar stool tonight who’s world will soon crumble catastrophically because of their drinking… in a few short hours they’d give their right arm to be you! So you’re in a good spot. You’re home, safe, sober & aware that you need more support & accountability… I’d say today’s a good day to be @Kmills888 
P.S. I’m checking in on you tomorrow 
️
I fucking adore you. You are a delight! 
I f#%king adore you!! And your ability to swear without symbols 
️:hugs:
Ah, I’m so glad to hear from you tonight! You have almost made it through another day sober. Fantastic! Look forward to waking up and not feeling like baked hell tomorrow. And the great news? You never have to do it alone again. You have all of us formerly drunk, high, porned up, lusty folks who are relying on each other’s help to stay sober and clean on a daily basis. Glad you are with this lot!
I was a home alone blackout drinker to. I didn’t think aa was for me but had been trying for 10 years to do it my way. The only place i felt safe was in a aa meeting. I knew if i was there i wasn’t drinking. So just kept forcing myself to go. I dont go as often now but have a huge support network i can use whenever i need it.
I was an “at home” drinker, too. It just made more sense to me: cheaper, no bathroom lines, whatever tv and music I wanted, could pass out wherever, no need to worry about making an ass of myself (lived alone mostly).
What worked for me was getting involved in something. A hobby, activity, group, interest, etc. Anything you like doing that you can’t do if you’re drinking…something you love and can sink your teeth into. You may have to try new things to find it. For me, it was the gym. Drinking is counterproductive to anything fitness-related, and the gym and related lifestyle was my salvation. I pursued that with the same ferocity that I had formerly pursued getting drunk and high.
That was ~6-7 years ago, and while I havent been perfect since then, in that span my sober days FAR outnumber my drink days, and its not even close. I just keep on working at it, working to get better and be better every time I’ve messed up.
All the best
I so relate to this. Finding a therapist you trust could really help. I go twice a week and it has been truly life changing. Sending you much strength! 
I totally understand what your going through. I am in the same boat. Reach out to me or anyone id you need someone to talk to.
The only person who can answer that is you.
My biggest fear is being alone or not being fully accepted for all parts of me and the people I care about leaving me. I used alcohol as a way to cope and mask my sadness and loneliness. Ya know what it did? It made all of those problems worse. I was also a drinker when I was home alone. I’d get off work and start drinking until I could barely make it to my bed on my own. Some nights I didn’t even remember getting to my bedroom.
I had to learn how to be okay with being alone and how to handle my loneliness. This was one of the first things I had to control. If I wasn’t going to be happy being only with myself, why would anyone else be happy being around me? I’ve taken lots of walks with my dog and we will sit at the park and people watch, most days though, I come home and just decompress from the day and either pleasure read or read recovery materials.
This thread all together has really struck a chord with me and this post in particular really hits home. I appreciate you sharing your words. I appreciate that I have found this community.
This forum has introduced me to some incredible minds. I feel like a learn something new every day.
I changed everything I did. I changed my little habits, when I showered, rearranged my things, anything I could do to modify the environment I used in and the way I behaved.
I also replaced my addiction with something healthy… gym.
Give AA another chance, go to 30 meetings in 30 days and see if you still feel the same way… we get to the point we will try anything to stay sober, taking 12 steps is worth a try… even if its uncomfortable… is it more uncomfortable than the insanity your’re trapped in?
I avoided 12 step programs for 12 years and and when I got to the point I would try anything to stay sober, I tried it again and found home…
I can 100% relate to this because this is my situation to a T. I used to be a very bad alcoholic, drinking every single day, waking up with tremors and extremely levels or anxiety. I decided enough was enough and went 7 months sober. Then I relapsed and now I go through long periods or sobriety and then rediculous benders. I keep lying to myself saying “I will only have 1-2 with dinner” etc… but an alcoholic like myself can never stop after a couple and I know. Cooking and BBQ is probably my biggest trigger. So many “happy” memories of just grilling and having a beer… I can relate when you say you drink when you are happy. I am the same. Sure, I also drink to escape emotions I want to avoid, but I think being happy is an even bigger trigger than being depressed. We drink when were feeling good… then wake up hung over feeling awful the next day. Make all these plans about how we’re going to change our lives… then after 2-3 days of sobriety we feel good enough to drink again. This has been a vicious cycle of mine as well… so I can 100% relate to what you’re saying. I am not quite sure how to fix it either. I know I am perfectly capable of doing it… I’ve done is before. And you got over 300+ days which is incredible, so I know you can too. I guess maybe deep down we don’t want it bad enough? I had more sober days this year than drunk days… and I at least I only drink once a week. << These are the kinda thoughts I tell myself to rationalize my behaivor… but the fact is, even if I only drink 4-5 times a month… when I do, I go hard and always end up saying or doing things I regret… so it’s gotta stop. Sorry for hijacking your thread. I ended up ranting about myself more than offering any advice. I hope we both can pull together through this time. Good luck
Hey there!?!? 
I had a very good night. Went to a high school football game and hung out with some friends. You’re such a sweetheart for checking on me, thank you! Got thru Friday night and I’m ready for another sober day. I know I can do this, I’m not giving up!
I miss High School football games on a Friday night! (my son is 20 now) Nothing better in the Fall. I’m really glad you went, had fun & stayed sober ️
Hey! That sounds like a lovely Friday evening. I’m so glad today was good for you. May tomorrow be even better.️
My daughter is 19… my friend has little girls that cheer so I went to support them. We had a huge mess of food before and after the game. I’m gonna sleep like a baby!
Thanks @MoCatt ! I’m going to make sure I stay busy with healthy thoughts. Might get a jigsaw puzzle so I can have something new to stress about instead of not drinking 