Welcome back @Ren! 
it’s good to see you again.
I’m glad you’re safe and sound. It sounds like you’ve been reflecting on who you want to be, and what part of you might be clinging to old escape / avoidance routes, and what that part of you is doing. (It’s in all of us: at some point when we were younger, we developed a part of us, an identity, which runs away, into the addiction. It’s an isolating, numbing, escaping part of us. It’s troubling; it’s a challenging part of our identity, as we work to grow past it. I’ve been working on that myself too. I’ve come to understand that I can’t erase the Hiding Matt. He’ll always be part of my history, and he remains filed away in my mind. But I work to let him go. I am “retiring” him; I will be giving him a retirement ceremony this summer. I’m not running or escaping any more; I don’t need to. He can live in retirement now while I grow other parts of me.)
Re: eating disorders, that is something that comes up often, and there’s some really good threads here on that. Check out these two for example. You are not alone:
Take care and don’t give up Ren. Choose what you want and who you want to be, and trust in her, nurture her, be kind to her, encourage her, believe in her. She is in you. She is you. You can be the person you are, the full person, not hiding, not silencing, but fully present, for yourself and for the people you love.
You belong and you matter, no matter what.