My very first thought this morning before I even opened my eyes. was about alcohol. My man’s alarm went off and the first thought that came to my mind “If I use cash to buy a tallboy, he won’t know, and it’s like it never happened.” Seriously so damn ANNOYING. About a month ago I had to reset my counter bc I had two tall boys, due to some drama that happened and I wanted them to relax. Unfortunately I can’t do that like normal people lol but yeah besides the slip up, and besides the constant arguing in my head about drinking alcohol im actually doing really good. Down here in the south with my man traveling for his work. I took time off work to refocus on myself and my growth, I am very fortunate to have the option of not working. I’ve been so-so on journaling, but I’ve been pretty consistent about working out and hitting the trails EVERY MORNING. I have also dropped weight which is super good but also kind of hard for me bc this might be tmi but I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past, as I’m sure a lot of people on here have, it’s very common in our day and age. So it’s nice that I’m dropping weight but I’m also seeing myself getting obsessed with it and not fueling my body enough so I need to keep an eye on that. But honestly I’ve been really great, slowly but surely seeing the results of the hard work.
Welcome back @Ren! 
it’s good to see you again.
I’m glad you’re safe and sound. It sounds like you’ve been reflecting on who you want to be, and what part of you might be clinging to old escape / avoidance routes, and what that part of you is doing. (It’s in all of us: at some point when we were younger, we developed a part of us, an identity, which runs away, into the addiction. It’s an isolating, numbing, escaping part of us. It’s troubling; it’s a challenging part of our identity, as we work to grow past it. I’ve been working on that myself too. I’ve come to understand that I can’t erase the Hiding Matt. He’ll always be part of my history, and he remains filed away in my mind. But I work to let him go. I am “retiring” him; I will be giving him a retirement ceremony this summer. I’m not running or escaping any more; I don’t need to. He can live in retirement now while I grow other parts of me.)
Re: eating disorders, that is something that comes up often, and there’s some really good threads here on that. Check out these two for example. You are not alone:
Take care and don’t give up Ren. Choose what you want and who you want to be, and trust in her, nurture her, be kind to her, encourage her, believe in her. She is in you. She is you. You can be the person you are, the full person, not hiding, not silencing, but fully present, for yourself and for the people you love.
You belong and you matter, no matter what.
Thank you so much for those kind words 
You’re amazing !
Welcome back, I’m glad you’re here.
