So for as long as I can remember my mom has been on a diet. I remember as a little girl my mom saying oh I can’t eat that or that will make me fat if I eat that. She talked about weight my entire life. Loosing it, being afraid to gain it. When I was 14 I started to have the same fears. I was full blown anorexic by 15. I was 5’7, 96 pounds and hospitilized because I fainted working out in my room. I would work out 2 hours a day and heavily restricted food. My weight normalized in college when I left home and got away from the hyper focus on perfection and food. But I continued to suffer from restriction as a means of control and fear of food up until my sobriety journey started. I found intuitive eating and it’s principals and focus on listening to your body really resonated to me. I saw my mom and I was so proud to tell her that I felt as though I had made such amazing progress it. That I hadn’t restricted in 40 days. And instead of her saying she was happy for me she looked at me and said “aren’t you afraid you will gain weight”. I work out, I eat healthy, and I have an actual mental illness surrounding restriction. I felt like screaming. It’s so triggering to have someone you love say something like that after all the work I have done. I really truly hope when I have kids I make peace with food so I do not pass on this horrible fear of food and idea of perfectionism on to them.
That’s really crappy. Congratulations on your progress.
But I wonder if perhaps your mom has her own mental health struggles that she hasn’t addressed yet. I know I also obsess about food and diet and I can be a little loose with my words around my daughters. I’m fortunate that they are confident in themselves (where they learned that I’ll never know because it was not from incredibly self conscious and low self esteem me) and will call me out on it….I’m learning to be careful with my words.
Okay, I guess my point is to try and look at the situation with sympathy for what your mom may. E experiencing and you may find it doesn’t hurt you as much. I know when I stopped being angry at my mom for the things she did and said and tried to see that it was coming from her own pain that I started to feel better about myself.
Just a thought. I’m no therapist or expert in anything.
Hugs
I think all the women in my mom’s side of the family struggle with it. I do so sympathize, I understand on every level. I guess I just want the same empathy and understanding in return. I just don’t understand why she could not have just said “that’s great sweetie, I’m happy for you”.Why she had to add fuel to a fire I’m putting in so much work to extinguish. Especially because she knows not only that I have struggled so badly from it, but that she also understands how hard it is to overcome it.
Thank you I will try hard to remember that it is something that is still deeply ingrained in her. Sending love 
I’ve never struggled with an eating disorder but I do know what it feels like to hear hurtful words from a mom when I was doing my very best and wanted her to be proud of me. It shouldn’t be like this but we are imperfect humans raised by imperfect humans that were also raised by… 
Your message made me cry. I re-read my first post. I do think a lot of me being upset comes from wanting for her to be proud. But she’s not perfect and neither am I. I shouldn’t need her validation and I shouldn’t be upset with her for not knowing the right thing to say. We are all beautifully imperfect
That’s so sad Callie. I got tears 
My daughter was anorexic and my niece/daughter was bulimic. As a dad it was most difficult for me to deal with. It still is with close friends I know with ED. I just don’t know how to help. I think your mom was so insensitive to your needs. That’s just not right. But I guess she is stuck in that mentality, as you said she’s been on a diet all her life. Etc…. Sadly you can’t retrain her brain for her. I guess you could have calmly said “that really hurts my feelings mm” and maybe you did. But it would be so much easier to not engage. I probably wouldn’t have engaged.
I try to totally back off my daughter, where my wife is still worried she doesn’t eat enough. And my daughter looks fantastic. And I have no idea what she’s eating or not eating.
Enough about me. I’m so sorry you struggle with this, but it seems you are getting a handle on it. And you got a great plan. And being sober you can execute that plan. We’ll celebrate with ya here any and ever time.
Keep up the great work.
My mom never dieted, and she’s always maintained a healthy weight. On the contrary, as adults my sister and brothers are all over-eaters, and that was passed down to my nieces and nephews. My mom has started small-scale battles with my SIL, because she makes comments about her grandchildren’s weight problems. She just comes out with it and doesn’t realize how much it hurts, because she’s never had an eating disorder.
There are going to be some people you just can’t share your victories with, because they have no idea that it’s a battle for you. Sadly, some of those people are the ones closest to us.
I know it needs to come from your mom, but I want you to know how very proud I am of you. Love you bunches
Congrats on your 4 days.
I sent her a text and explained why I was so upset with her response. She apologized. I am much better explaining my feelings when I’m sober haha. That’s a nice gift from no longer drinking. I’m working through so much now that I’m not drinking. So much is rooted in my mom and my childhood. I need to take deep breaths and know that I’m going through a huge transformation in my life. It will take time for people to catch up with the new version of me. I need to forgive them for that
She probably doesn’t know how to say kind words about something she’s struggled with her whole life. Since she’s fighting her own demons she has a hard time acknowledging your success. She probably doesn’t mean to come off the way she did, she doesn’t know any better. Let her know how she made you feel and hopefully next time she’ll have a better response. In other words, teach her how she can be helpful.
I’m so sorry girls in your life suffer from it too. I think you have the right approach. It is definitely a personal thing, that a lot like drinking, you heal from and process in your own time.
When she said that I was quiet. I’m pretty non- confrontational. I actually started to make plans on how I could cut out meals. It’s easy to feed the beast. But I was laying down and I decided to text her and tell her why it hurt. I knew that cutting out meals was not healthy or healing. It’s funny how practical I’ve gotten and how much I can see when I’m not drinking 
She was kind and apologetic. I’m 25, I’m old enough to not need my moms approval or to keep falling into her engrained habits.
Me and my mom have so much that we need to work through. Maybe we never will but I think part of me just needs to accept and forgive her, and live my life on my own terms.
Thank you for celebrating all my milestones with me. I feel like I have another family here and you guys make me feel pretty confident and that anything is possible.
I also wanted to say that it’s ok to be upset with your mom. It’s ok to want to scream. We don’t have to understand and accept the “whys” of everyone else’s response to us. It’s ok to feel the hurt, and it’s definitely good for us to let them know. Never hold it inside. I’ve done that and the feelings grow into something unmanageable.
I’ve always had the problem of understanding why a family member is the way they are, why they treat me and others the way they do. It’s easy for me to explain their behavior away, because they had a tough childhood, or they’ve gone through some trauma or other. But we can’t allow that to overshadow our own feelings or our own victories. I’m still a work-in-progress on speaking up for myself. It’s hard, but we need to do that… gently.
All the women in my family are naturally small. Maybe they stayed that way by being hyper focused on food?! But of course my naturally, addictive brain took it to an unhealthy extreme.
I have wanted my moms approval and her to be proud of me for a very long time. I know so much of it is rooted in my brother and the abuse and trauma I suffered from at his hands. I wanted her to acknowledge everything I went through. But the older I get, I have to accept I may never get that. That I can’t drink away or starve away or any other numbing method those feelings or traumas. That whether I like it or not they are now a part of me.
That I can use it it grow and have more empathy for others.
Thank you for being proud Carolyn. It does mean the world to me. It’s giving me the strength to keep going love you right back 
Thank you Mel 
I like the tiny but aggressively supportive bumble bee.
I’m so happy you are here
[quote=“Callie99, post:13, topic:130126”]
It’s funny how practical I’ve gotten and how much I can see when I’m not drinking.
This is what is all about. It only gets better.
And calmer. I love being calmer. And not reactive.
You are very smart.
Caroline all of this hits home for me. I can relate to everything and my DMs are always open. I know that talking publicity about my eating disorder did not come easily so I commend you on your bravery. Congrats on your 40 days without restricting.
This is huge!! I’m really proud of you!! Congratulations on fighting multiple addictions at the same time.
I think your right Lisa. I know in my heart she meant no harm. That maybe it came from her own insecurity on the subject. Humans are not robots. We don’t always say the right things. Even Mom’s. Sometimes especially moms. That I need to see that and know when it’s happening. Tell her how it makes me feel (calmly) and move on.
Thank you Lisa
Sometimes I think you and Stella just understand me as a human. ( and probably a lot of people here).
I hate being upset with my mom. I buried a lot of really bad feelings, emotions, and experiences even as a little girl. I wanted so badly for people around me to be happy that I hid emotions to my detriment.
I definitely let them grow into something unmanageable. Then tried to keep them that way, hidden away for a long time. I didn’t realize in making excuses for others and dismissing my own feelings how much I was hurting myself. That my voice was valid, my experience, my feelings. I think when you do that long enough you start to believe your life isn’t valid.
Not anymore. Thank you for speaking up for yourself and teaching me how to do it by example.
so much love for you C
Thank you Stella💛 it’s been an exhausting, emotional fight with my own demons.
I’ll send you a DM