Honesty and issues with attachment

Well things have been difficult, I had a week where I drank almost every day and it really affected me mentally (depression). But I haven’t had a drink for 10 days and I plan not to, one day at a time.

I’ve been journaling quite a lot, trying to understand what led me to drink so much that week. What are my triggers etc. There were a few things causing me anxiety but mainly I wasn’t to see my alcohol key worker for 4 weeks (now just a little over 2 weeks to go to the next appointment). This caused a lot of anxiety for me which I never spoke to him about. And I felt a bit angry with him in our last appointment.

I’ve been trying to figure out why and I think I now know that I have become attached to him as in I see him as a father figure. My biological Dad left when I was 2 and we don’t have contact. My key worker is about his age. He shows me compassion, empathy and attention. Everything I craved as that little girl growing up. It’s classic transference. He’s off for a couple of weeks and this feels like he’s abandoned me, like my Dad did.

And I set myself up for failure. Being alcohol free means being well. Once I’m ‘well’ I’ll no longer need to see my key worker and the appointments stop. I freak out and self-sabotage by drinking again. It’s a constant cycle which I need to break. I definitely need to work on this in therapy (still on the NHS waiting list but have my first private counselling session coming up in 2 weeks time). Am I completely crazy? I feel it sometimes.

Has anyone else had attachment issues?

Thank you for your reply.

I’m definitely going to speak to my counsellor about the issue before I decide whether or not to ask for a new key worker. There’s pros and cons to that. I’ve had 2 other key workers both female and I couldn’t connect to either of them. I didn’t open up and found it really unhelpful.

My current key worker, although I have these attachment issues, he’s the first person I’ve been able to open up to and talk to easily. But of course I completely get where you are coming from as it is an unhealthy attachment. Definitely something for me to explore in therapy.