Well things have been difficult, I had a week where I drank almost every day and it really affected me mentally (depression). But I haven’t had a drink for 10 days and I plan not to, one day at a time.
I’ve been journaling quite a lot, trying to understand what led me to drink so much that week. What are my triggers etc. There were a few things causing me anxiety but mainly I wasn’t to see my alcohol key worker for 4 weeks (now just a little over 2 weeks to go to the next appointment). This caused a lot of anxiety for me which I never spoke to him about. And I felt a bit angry with him in our last appointment.
I’ve been trying to figure out why and I think I now know that I have become attached to him as in I see him as a father figure. My biological Dad left when I was 2 and we don’t have contact. My key worker is about his age. He shows me compassion, empathy and attention. Everything I craved as that little girl growing up. It’s classic transference. He’s off for a couple of weeks and this feels like he’s abandoned me, like my Dad did.
And I set myself up for failure. Being alcohol free means being well. Once I’m ‘well’ I’ll no longer need to see my key worker and the appointments stop. I freak out and self-sabotage by drinking again. It’s a constant cycle which I need to break. I definitely need to work on this in therapy (still on the NHS waiting list but have my first private counselling session coming up in 2 weeks time). Am I completely crazy? I feel it sometimes.
Has anyone else had attachment issues?