In my sobriety, i’m trying to make new habits to help get free, i’ve realized i have a 2nd addiction, and it’s hiding.
It’s ingrained in my personality, in my habits, along with the Pnog*, along with the obssessive thinking.
I’ve been kind of an unreliable narrator in my life. I’ve struggled to be honest. I’m quick to deny that i dont have a problem, no matter what, it’s my first reaction, to always hide.
My hidden commitment to hiding always comes up.
It’s the double life thing.
It’s the life i show people, this nice guy character, integrity keeper, but it’s just a farce.
these are notes from a podcast that i listened to today
From one author: nice guys are secretive, they are so driven to seek approval, they will hide anything they think will upset anyone. “If at first you dont succeed, hide the evidence.”
Nice guys compartmentalize. They harmonize contradictory information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in there mind.
Hiding things that are unacceptable, secretive.
Cleaning my browser, always trying to be secretive, i’ve done this 25 years.
It’s like i’ve formed 2 versions of myself, the nice guy i show people, and then the addict that comes alive in pursuit of the filth.
one author’s metaphor: imagine a home where all the family resides. They make dinners together, they are happy. But what they dont know there is a secret basement down below. It’s full of secrets and actitives that only one member knows about. He knows about it and uses it for secret inappropriate behaviors. When they go to the basement, they become a person know one would actually recognize. There thoughts feelings actions are different. They act in ways that are in stark contrast in how they act with there family.
This is at the core of problematic behavior for pnog guys. I’ve created this place i sneak off too. It’s a reality that exist and i compartmentalize and folks dont know about it. Partners still have an idea. Like my wife thinks it’s something from my past, she might think i know about his basement but he’s been past this for years.
The author mentions: There’s more in the basement than just sexual behaviors. It’s a large space folks dont know about.
This struck a nerve with me.
We hide anything find unacceptable. Feelings, pain, weaknesses, desires, needs, etc.
We withdraw into this world where we go to the basement for reasons.
There’s a reason we go to that basement, it’s not just that behavior, I are hiding deep parts of myself.
I’ve created this character that’s not real, this fake false self. Even if folks like that person, its harder to receive acceptance, love, attachment when your living a compartmentalized life. When your hding, you can’t be known or fully loved.
It’s a catch 22, we compartmentalize to keep ourselves safe, but we kind of live in this prison where we never get our needs met.
This double life leaves me exhausted and alone. I’m always nervous if they knew the real me, i’m always just scared of being rejected, as i’ve always been, since i was a fat kid growing up. It’s why i’ve always put on a shirt in a pool my whole life. Why i wear a ‘man girdle’ (what i call it) so folks dont see my moobs (man boobs). Always hiding the insecurities, wanting to show a version of me i think will be appealing to others.
Honesty is a habit to acquire rather than a character trait.
I’m just a history of my habits. That’s who i am right now. In order to transform, i need to create HABITS OF HONESTY. WORK ON BUILDING SKILLS.
I’m trying to get a good therapist where i can practice honesty. As i get skilled at honesty, and i translate this to my home with my wife. This actually happened 6 years ago. I called a therapist on the phone and spilled everything. Then a week later, I spilled everything to 10 men in my congregation. But i did’nt change. It was nice to be honest, the consequences where, i was deleted from serving in my position, my wife held resentment against me for years and i didn’t realize it. Overall, did my honesty help? Yes it did, but honesty isn’t just a one time thing. It takes alot of work and in my recovery, it’s critical.
Reducing shame is part of the process too, honesty will help 100% with this.
Commitment to honesty is fundamental.
Not disclosing things and keeping things hidden is like a natural thing for me. Getting healthy communication habits is going to take time, i want to be able to share more of my feelings and thoughts, i need practice for sure.
Podcast mentions i need to destroy the basement, get away from the hiding. I need that version of me to come into the light.