Hi my name is Katie. I am new to this app.
I have battled alcoholism for years.y drinking has caused so many hardships, pain, embarrassment, stressors, etc. I was doing pretty good about 2
2 1/2 half years ago. I attended AA meetings frequently, I worked the 12 steps with a very kind, supportive, caring sponsor. I relapsed in late 2021 . I feel like a fool. My alcoholism has already caused enough hell in my life , I can not believe I failed and let my sponsor down:( im such a failure, I HATE myself . ) I look back when I had a good amount of sobriety under my belt. I was full of life, I had confidence in myself, I had dignity, I was happy, I had friend complaint me , which I feel was due to my sobriety and being so healthy. I miss her , I miss her aka meaning the Katie I was meant to be. I have lose a few friendship due to my heavy drinking, blacking out and having my bestie tell me how I embarrassed them and how I turn into a completely different person when I drink. He tried very hard to help me get sober , i feel guilty. I let a lot of people down. I no longer have a relationship with my best friend , and I lost some people in my life ( respect) sue to my downfall ; drinking. Last year when my father passed away in April , I definitely had a breakdown. I was very close with him. A domino effect happened where things when down and down and down in a spiral. I donât want anyone to feel bad for me , I just would like express how awful things got. Iâm December of last year; I was hanging around this woman whoâs my age who I had a few things in common with. However she is severely mentally ill with ANGER ISSUES that were absolutely insane. I lost so much in life, I had a close friend pass away in 2021, my father pass in 2022, I had an ongoing court matter for 4 years ( since October 2019). I had other hardships happen as well. I never got along with my mother . She has always had something against me. She never has liked me. I know it sounds corny but all I ever craved in my teenage and adult years was another that loved me. She never says â I love youâ after my father passed away I went to hug her and she said â Iâm NOT a hugger to meâ seriously who says that to their daughter who just lose their father that was like my other half .Him and I got along so well , he was always in my corner, he was what I considered to be both mother and father in one . He basically made up for the lack of love I got from my mom. I ran away from home twice , once when I was 12 and again when I was 13. I was desperately trying to get her attention. My sister had a baby when she was 16 . My mom took care of the baby( my niece) she she was born up until she was 18. My mom never asked me how my day at school was , never really cared about even conversing with me since I was 13 till well until the present. She criticizes me , belittles me, neber gives me credit when credit is due. Never when to visit me when I lived on campus during my college years. Most recently she was very cruel to me. Getting back to last December, that woman , Lisa that I didnât really know had brutally assaulted me . She stole my phone so I can NOT a call the police right away. I was petrified, scared, afraid, terrified; all these emotions all hitting me at once. She wonât let me leave the apartment building we weâre at ( her boyfriends place) he take off because he told her please leave the girl alone , ( she was yelling at me calling me an alcoholic and screaming at me in a full blow rage , it may have been a psychosis she was in or just her being crazy . Her boyfriend told her he really didnât want any took and took off.
So after she assaulted me and punched me repeatedly with excessive force , I feel to the ground.I will say that I when I saw the blood all over me and and realized it was pouring from my chin area profusely . I had to think on my feet. I was very quiet, finally she told me to get out. Keep in my mind this woman is 6â3 and weighs around 300 pounds . I walked to the nearest car with someone in it ( it was around 11PM ) I asked the guy in the car to please call 911. The police showed up and told me I needed to go with EMS /EMTS in the ambulance and go to to the Emergency room. It was very stressful because the police were just doing their job and asking questions, I was crying in a jonnie in a stretcher in the hallway. They filed a report and a detective called me the day after . The police and DA indicted her on assault and battery with serious bodily harm charges. I have to testify in front of a grand jury soon. In the ER the doctor told me I had a lip and chin laracation. It was a complex wound that was deep in my oral cavity. They had to call an ENT plastic surgery specialist. Thank God he was very kind, gentle , caring and made me feel safe and calmed me down. He did the surgical procedure for an hour and a half. I had a CT scan done and luckily it came back completely normal
I was all banged up . The scar on my right lower lip and chin area has improved, however I will be going back to the facial plastic surgeon specialist that they referred me to. She will do more cortisone injections and also perform a procedure than will reduce the scarring significantly.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2013. My PTSD is really bad now. Itâs gotten much worse, apparently my mother heard me yelling in my sleep swearing and it scared her. I canât help those episodes. My sons father noticed me swearing and yelling in my sleep as well. I see a trauma therapist now.
I know I have to talk about the traumatic event that happened when I was younger and other trauma as well that I have witnessed and experienced to get the hello I need to heal from everything I have been through. I only mentioned some things that happened . I have anxiety due to witnessing rape , seeing family members on drugs etc. I came from a good family , my sisters happened to fall victim to drugs and I witnessed them do them when I was very young and that definitely in combination with incident that happened to me when I was 13 please witnessing horrific event that happened to my friend, my mother never being there for me , it all makes sense why I turned to alcohol. Both my grandfathers had drinking problems as well.
I am telling some of my story in hopes of anyone willing to listen to tell me hopefully NOT to ever give up , because some days I feel so depressed and hopeless . I donât have any family support.
I have isolated myself from the mayor my friends due to deep depression. I managed to somehow screw up yet another friendship a couple of days ago, well technically last Wednesday. It wasnât entirely my fault; however I drank two drinks and thatâs all itâs takes to turn me into â an evil â person apparently. It hurts to hear that my fairly new friend said that to me . I said someone crazy stuff to them as well. I hate Alcohol with a passion.
I have been 5 days sober . Iâm scared because I know I absolutely Can NOT ever drink again.
I pray that 85 days goes by fast and that when I each my 90 days of sobriety; I can feel like myself again. One day at a time .
I habe alot more pain in heart and soul however I donât want to bother anyone anymore with my problems.
I am asking for prayers 
and guidance , and support.
That would mean the world to me
Thank you
) he reminded me during an incredibly challenging time ; that Iâm a fighter like him. ( implying I donât give up , or fold ). I feel like a few past abusive men whom I dated were verbally and physically abusive. Also my ex Chris who isolate me from my friends , make me feel self conscious about myself , he tried to shatter my self esteem. Itâs time to be happy again 
