Some of you may or may not know me. I’ve been a member on this site and in my recovery community for pretty close to just over two years now. However not all of that time was spent in the rooms. It is my hope to share my experience so that others might benefit. About a year ago after having about 15 months in recovery I picked up and used for about three weeks and then came back. I found myself getting resentful at the lack of integrity others had that I considered my peers in recovery( I was taking other people’s inventory) which is a bad spot for an addict like me because it put me in a position where I felt like my opinion about other people’s lives was something I had a right to have(playing god,unrealistic expectations and living in a fantasy). This led to me living in fear and having resentments which inevitably took me back out again. You see I thought it was ok to form opinions about others since I was as doing what I was supposed to…boy was I wrong.I began to dabble with Kratom which I still believe has great medicinal value especially when it comes to helping a heroin addict detox…however it was still psychoactive enough to trigger the obsession. Before I knew it I was shooting dope and headed towards the brink of insanity where I hung in limbo for about 5 months. Sold almost everything I have and was driving to the nearest big city every day to do what we addicts do best…anyhow during the 15 months of sobriety one of my sponsees a guy I had the opportunity to take thru the work became really close and we had an ongoing relationship…he stopped by frequently to check on me during my relapse and even picked me up from a psych ward after a suicide attempt…he tried to help me thru the work…this guy passed away in a car crash clean btw…I was devastated…I showed up to the funeral after a long night of wrecklessness high and was surrounded by a group of people I knew from recovery…I felt like a piece of shit…I had about another week in me of using before I decided to try and do the whole sobriety thing again…went to detox then sober living and mimicked some of the things we do to stay clean but didn’t take the necessary actions to get sober…Until i shot dope and realized that through and through if I don’t take the steps suggested by the program any hope I had of being happy or living a life beyond the obsession and compulsive cycle of using was nil…I grew desperate and got with someone to what was needed to do…grateful to say that today I am sober and am in a position to be of service to others.
Sounds like you’ve been through a lot, your journey and advice will definitely be of use to members, congratulations on your sobriety too
did you, and or, how did you accept a higher power…?
I get confused very easy and sometimes just cant seem to figure how to accept a higher power… maybe start readinv the bible right? I just dont kno…
Thank you so much for sharing I’m glad you came back and are sober once again. This is my first rodeo so to speak- first time in treatment, first time in aa, first time getting sober. I hear so many stories about people with long term sobriety going back out with confidence. And each time it’s so much worse- truly shows the depth of progression this disease has. So scary and sad. I’m sorry for your trials and I am glad you understand and can work the steps inside yourself to grow. Thank you for the humbling reminder that this disease is so much more powerful than we often times realize ️
New life- in order to form a concept of a Higher power that worked for me I was asked to set aside everything I thought I knew about AA as a whole,God and how God works in people’s lives…then once I was asked to forge my own conception of God I had to write out not only how I thought God or my Hp was going to chow up in my life…for me getting into the particulars let’s say with the Bible or other people’s concept often turned on me…so I had to come up with some basic stuff to get started…me personally and my understanding looks like this…All knowing loving and forgiving who might speak to me through whatever facet of life whether it be music nature other people or simply hunches…encouraging me on a daily basis to grow in humility and integrity among other spiritual principles and pointing me in the right direction so that I might operate at my highest potential when it comes to being happy and helping others…by no means am I trying to force this concept on you or say even that yours has to look anything like this but I am simply sharing what works for me…also be mindful that our literature says one must only be willing to believe in a power greater then themselves and from there can commence growth…
wow very helpful and powerful. a lot of helpful info
thats really good stuff. gives me a solid base
god bless you my friend
Thank you for posting. I only have 27 days no alcohol. What you shared was powerful, and helped me today!
Good to hear you are working hard and doing well @Don_Cocan!
How are you doing?
I am doing fantastic thanks I am on day 610 and I am still thankful for the opportunities being sober brings.
Let’s see: I am in a great relationship. I have a new job that pays more and is better for work-life balance. I have started taking part in neighborhood politics to try to contribute to positive change. I have fun new hobbies. Most of all though I don’t drink to blackout levels every other week and am willing to think through tough emotions.
I must say that this helped me.
I am here because i am severely addicted to kratom. I havent stopped using kratom, but for 30 days last year before a hard relapse, in 6 years now.
I have run out of money. I have no more tricks. I am at the bottom tonight and tomorrow there is no chance for me to get my fix.
Withdrawals already claiming their territory and i am fearful of the impending shitstorm that awaits me. All i can do now is hold on for dear life and do the things that have worked for me in the past, and pray vigorously to my higher power for the strength to keep going.
Yeah, it isnt heroin. But any serious, daily, multi year user will tell you that kratom is an absolute nightmare to detox from.
It is possible though, and i look forward to feeling again. Numbing myself all day every day has taken its toll on me in a great many ways. I need to be me again. The process is painful and even now i am losing my cool writing this out. But i am alive. Im here.
Bless you all. Could use your prayers if youre into that sort of thing.
Ps sorry for hijacking your post it just kinda happened. Thanks OP for sharing and I hope you never know the pain and regret of relapse again.