I’ve tried so many times over the past few years to stop smoking weed. The longest I’ve gone is a couple of weeks, and i always feel so much better when i don’t smoke, but then something will happen and I’ll buy some weed and the cycle will restart. I’m functional in the “real world,” i dont miss work or any of my obligations, but i dont like the fact that i get high every day. I’ve made promises to myself that I’ve inevitably broken. Last night was the final straw. I drank way too much and then smoked like a chimney. I didn’t feel good, i felt sick and wished that i hadn’t drank or smoked at all. I couldn’t stop vomiting when i got home, and i just felt horrible physically and emotionally. I remember clutching the toilet bowl crying and vomiting, and just repeating, “i promise, i promise.” I inevitably flushed all my drugs down the toilet and here i am with this app.
I want this to work. I want this promise to actually stick. I want my word to mean something. I’m terrified of failing over and over again. But i dont want to let my addiction control me. And that is what it is, isnt it? An addiction, not a habit. I’m an addict.
I’m just rambling now. Here’s to my first clean day, i guess. I hope it sticks.