I’ve been sober for 112 days now, when I was drinking I was a nightmare and thought my partner would leave several times, since I stopped drinking he’s always telling me how proud he is of me and I’ve been in a really good place mentally feeling like I’ve changed my life and am so much happier,
So, on Saturday he told me we’ve got nothing to look forward to, we can’t just go to the pub and have a few drinks, all his friends are retiring and going off on holidays (he’s coming up to 60) and he hates that he has to keep working and we never do anything. He just kept saying”we need to work out our new normal” which is true but he’s made me feel like absolute shit. Like I’m so boring now and no fun anymore. I know he doesn’t want the old Sarah back cause she was a nightmare but it’s left me massively deflated and questioning whether I’m a complete failure as a person. I’m boring sober and a nightmare drunk,!
That is a really hard thing to hear, especially as you were feeling so good about things. Please hang on to your positivity. 
It sounds like his feelings go way beyond your not drinking. For a start, your not drinking can only help with saving money to travel and do fun things. While in early sobriety avoiding the pub is a good idea, later if the pub involves things other than drinking, such as a meal, the quiz, whatever, then you could go. If his idea of fun is getting sloshed then it is a problem, but his problem. You are not the custodian of his feelings.
Dude work on your boundaries! Your husband having a 3/4 life crisis has nothing to do w you as a person. It’s not about you. So separate yourself from these things or work on your ability to separate yourself from what is not yours long term. That’s what boundaries are.
Another good advice is facts on the ground. You stated this fact:
So remind yourself.
Work on i.e. figure out your own unconscious thoughts cos this can only hit you this hard if you/parts of you share this thinking.
Besf of luck and have a good day! Even the hard ones, they belong 100%.
This has really hit home, hadn’t even thought of it, thanks!
Im only coming up to day 10
You should be so proud of yourself
My husband the same when i drink its you need stop drinking before your marriage is over then when i dont its come on have a drink have fun i can have fun without longest i did was 6months and feel it was done to pressure as to why i drank last time.
Think about you and what you want.
Hey Sarah, congrats on your sobriety!
Sobriety brings changes, right? To you, and to your relationship with those around you.
I sure know it has made me feel boring at times but that’s in comparison to what? The chaotic rollercoaster of alcoholism. Anything would feel boring next to that! I would choose boring 100% of the time compared to THAT toxic mess. Here’s the truth - the mind IS bored because you’re depriving it of those dopamine hits it has gotten used to. Here’s another truth though, being bored is good for the mind, especially for creativity. You can thank Andrew Huberman for letting me steal those insights 
. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a new thing.
As a guy it sounds to me like your partner might be trying to open the door to a conversation about what your new normal together looks like and is just doing a bad job at communicating that.
Im sure he is going through life challenges too, so let’s not be too harsh on either him or you. A partnership is just that - we try and look after each other and have constructive conversations.
Finding stuff to do together that is completely new is a challenge, but one that hopefully you both might enjoy.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with YOU or your sobriety! See if you can get him to reinterpret his thoughts more positively
Oh I know this, in the past we have had several arguments over this. Really does make you feel like shit and like you’re not good enough and makes you question being sober sometimes. But, I think @Faugxh makes a great point. You have boundaries now, and protecting your sobriety is more important. If your partner is finding it hard to fill life with things outside of going to a pub then that’s his issue.
You’re not boring, and your life is much better being sober.
Thank you everyone, some really useful insights here. Yes,I think he is struggling with what he’s going through himself and is trying to articulate that to me. I’m feeling personally attacked because I’ve still got that guilt from all the shit I’ve put him through?
He’s not much of a drinker so he isn’t bothered about going out getting hammered, as he said we just need a new normal. He’s a very dependable person I just struggle with how he processes things, he gets quiet and contemplates everything and I feel like it’s the end of the world if everything’s not happy and perfect. Guess I’ve got some growing to do and we both need to work on communication!
I think his language is careful chosen to not make you feel upset
“WE need to work on OUR new normal”
It seems to me like he wants to open a conversation with you and chat about what new hobbies you can explore, what holidays you could plan for, and planning for retirement.
It is a shame you have taken it to heart because I dint think he intended it that way, maybe continue the conversation, make summer notes together about hobbies you could try
Hi Sarah
You have to look at it differently. You are sober now and really starting to really live. There is so much more to life than pubs, bars & drinking. Make a list of things you want to do together! Get out and let Sarah LIVE!! You got this girl! Stay Strong & Sober 
I’ve been thinking and I’m doing so much better mentally but I still need to work on myself, I am terrible at taking criticism, I’m ridiculously sensitive and feel attacked.
Thinking over this weekend, it would have been better to acknowledge my partners feelings as HIS feelings not an attack on me. I feel like he has his shit together so nothing bothers him but that’s obviously not true! He gets down and upset just like me. I’m being selfish taking it so personally, next time I’m going to acknowledge him and how he’s feeling and not just make it all about me.
Thanks for the wise advice as always.
Aw wow. What an evolution from this morning. Live progress over here. 
Progress, not perfection.
You have so much wonderful feedback here and also your own insights, cool how it works out like that. 
I do agree that there is so much to renegotiate and figure out in a relationship once one person makes a huge life change, like sobriety or retirement, etc. Relationships go thru so many different phases.
Sounds like you are on a positive path of understanding it isn’t all about you, it is a big change for him too and how can you navigate thru this together, with love. He sounds bummed that he isn’t able to retire (and rightly so) and is looking for some ways to feel positive about himself, alongside you. Maybe start incorporating a nice walk outdoors together after work or your evening meal or weekends. Find some nearby towns to explore or museum to visit or whatever it is you like. 60s are an interesting age…lots behind us and we sometimes need to look a little harder to find those things that spark some joy. It is easy to see life as just work and no fun. But ‘little’ stuff is fun too. A bike ride, a walk, a Farmer’s Market, a movie, cloud watching, a puzzle, making a meal together or taking a course together…idk…just rambling now (as we will in our 60s 
).
You are doing great! And putting in the work. Maybe take a walk and talk and figure out what you both need now. It is okay to be in a not knowing and figuring it out space…this is all new for you both! 
Hi Sarah,
I’m not a relationship expert…. Nor an expert at anything. You decided that you needed to excise the “nightmare alcoholic” from your profile. You have done that for 112 days which is a miracle that many fail to accomplish!!! The real
Miracle is living a satisfied life in sobriety. Please don’t doom forecast the rest of your life based on 112 days. The strongest point that I heard was “communication”. Venting here is a warm up for a thoughtful dialogue with your partner. There are no concessions in sobriety….. “half measures avail us nothing” The old Sarah and the same nightmare routine is waiting for you to pick up that sucker drink. Have patience with yourself and your partner. The Promises WILL come true … if we work for them.
Take a deep breath and relax. I’m guessing that you have had many weekends worse than this 